BPDFamily.com

Today is approximately 7 ½ months since last physical contact. I don't visit the forum as often because I don't want to get caught up in dense emotions while I'm on break at work and I feel like at this point its getting redundant. From now on I'm trying to condense my current state into a single block post so I'm not clogging the message board with extremely specific questions. This is for reflection purposes, as many of you have had similar experiences.

Sexually: I feel as though I'm still somehow “committed” emotionally. The same hesitance and fear that kept me from pursuing other women physically during our relationship has somehow carried over. Even seeing porn or seeing a sex scene makes me think of her and her new boyfriend sometimes and its hard to keep that out of my mind. I almost feel guilty at times to actually experience my own sexuality. I don't know if this is because of the relationship or if it was already there, but I haven't had a problem quite like this. It could have something to do with contracting HSV-2 from her and not wanting to risk passing it on. All of my interactions with the opposite sex, before this relationship, were centered around sex so it could be that I'm actually integrating a healthy form of relation to the other gender. I've made quite a few platonic friendships with women at work.

Emotionally: I feel largely taken advantage of, both in and out of the relationship. In because I did not set any ground rules early on, stayed longer than I wanted to and out because now she's been with someone for 8 months, got the 2nd pregnancy she wanted and I assume he's set boundaries that she respects. The guy acknowledged he “acted like a child” in his previous relationship so I am going with him having learned from that. I realize however that I did the best I could given what I knew and have been trying not to beat myself up too much if they are in fact enjoying a more successful relationship than we had. Key is that I feel like he's more “man” than I am and that I just didn't know how to handle being with her and thus lost her respect.

Intellectually: Its hard to really pin down my ex's behaviors. After she was talking to other guys online for a while she out of nowhere broke down and apologized about it, saying she felt horrible. Then she started talking to one guy friend from a long time ago instead of a bunch of strangers. Then after we broke up, she got extremely drunk during her family's annual trip to their home state and got “date raped” by him (apparently she was too drunk to realize what was going on... .her cousin confirmed that she really didn't seem to know who she was having sex with ?) She also slept with four other guys from online during the time between me initially leaving and us rendezvousing again. She was also apparently seeing a guy who was bisexual but seemed more gay than straight.

So I don't know why I think about it so much. I feel like maybe I missed out on an important lesson I was supposed to learn while I was with her or something. My day to day life feels very bland and unsatisfactory; nothing really makes me truly happy and I have a hard time interacting with others. I feel like the interactions people have with each other are mostly fluff and devoid of any actual substance, though I could just be projecting my current state of mind. I really just get up, go to work and pray for the day to go by quickly and painlessly so I can come home and be alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever because I seek external fulfillment and can't seem to find it within. If I could, I know I wouldn't care at all about what happened, but this is on my mind a lot. What makes it more difficult is she was an acting-in borderline (assuming the diagnosis was correct) and didn't do anything overtly malicious or evil.

I get the feeling her life has gotten a lot better since I've been gone, that she's more responsible and has a better relationship with him than she did with me since they don't live together and since he's probably way better for her than I was. I feel like a lot of my behaviors during the relationship were really unhealthy and cruel. It hurts me so much that I have to focus on an illness she may very well be recovering from to detach myself from the connection I thought we had. I still don't know if I really truly loved her. Today I shed a few tears thinking about how she is a good person and deserves to have a better life, and I deserve what I have, which is a decent life. It was letting go of the anger I held toward her. I just don't know why my soul feels so empty.

Thanks for sharing ds. It sounds like you're still struggling. That's okay, the aftermath of these types of relationships is often tough to get through. 

You've been thinking about her, but it seems like you're looking inward at yourself some as well. A good first step.

You say you feel empty, so in the interest of more self examination, what should a full life look like to you?