BPDFamily.com

I am trying to get out of the relationship and over the weekend I did so well and then last night I just went "crazy" mad. I am so hurt that my BP owns no responsibility and treats me so poorly. Over the past year and a half I have lost my self worth my dignity and all confidence in who I used to be. I moved to a new town a 2 years ago so the BP in my life has of course consumed my life. Being the rescuer and caretaker is just as damaging as being the BP. I feel like I have lost all sense of control and ownership and I hate that I blow up too. I try so hard to let go and then get sucked back in because I am in a town with limited support. I read and read about the boundaries and self respect that I must put forward yet when its time to enforce it, I fail. I want my life back. I want my freedom. I want to get better. At times I begin to think I have become BP with him. I have become the person I hate one that responds in rage and malice for being the caregiver for so long. I am so exhausted

I'm pretty sure there isn't even one person on here who can't relate to at least part of what you said.

When my ex and I first broke up I was so angry I couldn't even get away from it when I was sleeping. I would dream about breaking things, screaming at the top of my lungs, bad weather storms, etc. I HATED looking back at who I was when I first met my ex vs. who I was by the time we broke up. But as time goes on, things will go back to normal. You will feel like yourself again. There might always be a little part of you that reverts when your ex comes up or tries to contact you, but you'll be able to control that over time, too.

The whole "boundaries" enforcement strategy is often talked about, but never works. You can set as many boundaries as you want, you can just never have an intimate real adult relationship with a BPD.

I came to the conclusion that the only way to make this kind of relationships work is being a slave to the BPD person.

I can SO empathize with you, I feel the same way. When did I become so reactionary? How did I lose myself? I'm smart, I'm educated, I'm a MH counselor for crying out loud!    He tells me "You're so angry" and I am... .

I should be able to handle this. You are not alone in this. 

Carmen I feel like I can totally relate to what you are saying. My exBPD never owns up to anything hurtful that she does. Ever. It is an intoxicating bond that has formed as a caretaker and the person with BPD. That's why it's so easy to "fail" when we get around them. It's an almost impossible urge to be around them. But we know deep down that it is a toxic relationship and this adds to our broken sense of self and self-esteem. Why would we subject ourselves to something toxic? Then we start to lash out because we are so tired and angry and frustrated that nothing we do seems to make any lasting change and from giving so much and now WE start to feel like we are taking on BPD traits as well.

I have been exactly there and it is mind-bending.