BPDFamily.com

A significant part of the Survivors Guide (right margin) is remembering maltreatment we experienced in childhood.  In this thread, we are opening it up for members to inventory their childhood problems in a poll. We encourage you to discuss you upbringing by focusing on the two most significant factors in the list for you.

Polls like this are prone to exaggeration - please be thoughtful in your answers.

We will publish the results here and compare them to study conducted at Wesleyan University.

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Parentification is defined as a style of parenting in which parents turn to their children, not to their partners, for emotional support."

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Hello!

1. My mother used me as a scapegoat for everything; still does and I am 30 now lol.

One of many examples: She was super jealous (another big problem for her) when my cousin got married and refused to go. I still lived at home at the time and she threatened my sister and I that if we go then we need to move out... .but it was like a rage, yelling and screaming. At the time I was in college, and I wished to finish so I couldn't move out. I listened and I did not go to the wedding ... .my sister was younger and they go into a fist fight over the ordeal. Well later a family member calls to try to talk sense into her, and she starts feeling silly... .doesnt wanna tell the family members her motive for not wanting to go... .so she blames me... .tells my eldest cousin that I did not want to go because I do not like my cousin.  

She is incapable for accepting responsibility for her behavior, and anytime she does something is and criticized for it she finds a way to blame it on me or my dad.

So I feel like the #5 on the list is something I can relate to.


2. I have determined that I was emotionally abused as a child.

Shes says things and tries to push buttons purposely to make people flip out.  She has her rage episodes where she says the most vile things and claims she never said them. (I believe she doesnt remember, my sister doesnt believe her). Shes unpredictable... .and this is very challenging to deal with as an adult... .let alone as a child.  Addicted to chaos and drama.

Thanks for listening!

B.

I didn't do the poll because most of it relates to parents and the abuse I suffered as a child was from my sister. It's really hard to have a sibling physically, sexually, verballly and emotionally abuse you and have it passed off as "sibling rivalry." And honestly, my mother did not know the extent that I was being abused for the most part. The few times she caught my sister, she punished my sister and tried to make sure it never happened again. But her friends and family said "Oh, it's just sibling rivalry and they'll grow out of it." Making it seem as if I was equally guilty. It left me with a lot of problems which I am working through, probably the biggest are self esteem issues, an inability to stand up for myself and constant fear of being abused. I have PTSD. I am improving.

I would say that the most significant factor that has impacted upon me as a child, was a lack of any form of real relationship with my mother and my father's emotional withdrawal from family life.

My father's withdrawal ('anything for a quiet life' was his motto) allowed my mother full reign over the family although she was the more emotionally damaged individual and had controlling and manipulative tendencies and some strange ideas. Thus, although I felt loved by my father, I felt angry that he failed to protect me from her strange and controlling ways. I didn't feel loved by my mother. She was a good teacher, but had no notion of how to show love.

My father tried to make up for my mother's inability to show love by giving me cuddles when she wasn't there (which left me feeling that what we were doing was wrong). I also remember him telling me to try and 'understand' when I went to him for backup support. He said she'd had a tough childhood. He took no action on my behalf. I wanted him to speak up for me.

I only remember him standing up to her twice. One time, the repercussions were that she walked out saying she was leaving him (Dad wouldn't make us eat our breakfast). The other time, Dad found out that she'd been squirrelling away her housekeeping allowance instead of spending it on food and had amassed £600 in her post office account. He exploded with rage and she was frightened into submission. The impact on me is that I have never believed that anyone would ever help me, that I was completely alone in the world and that I have to deal with all my problems myself. When I was raped, it could have been prevented had I felt confident that I could ask my parents for help and get support rather than condemnation. It was the same with my abortion. I bore it alone because I didn't want to be called a murderer. If I could have counted on their support, I would have kept the baby.

Lifewriter

I'm having trouble choosing the worst two for me.

Physical neglect.

I suffered serious medical neglect. I have a lot of health problems and they began showing up in childhood. My father would take me to doctors and if they didn't tell him what he wanted to hear, he would find another. I remember a doctor telling him I had stress fractures so he fired him to find one that wouldn't bother with x-rays and then forced me to play more sports on the broken bones. He was obsessed with making me great at sports. He would pretend to be such a caring parent to the doctors but be making me worse or even causing the injury or illness. I have some permanent damage from his neglect/abuse and I avoided medical care I needed for a long time due to a false perception that it didn't help me. It has caused me a great deal of extra physical suffering in my life.

Inconsistent Treatment.

My father put me on a pedestal one moment, showered me with gifts and then tore me down the next. I was not punished for some things I knew I deserved punishment for and punished for petty things or things outside my control. It made no sense. I tried harder to please and was never good enough. I saw my dad's love as completely condional and this deeply affected me to feel unloved.