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So as people may have seen in one of my previous topics my my exBPD (of 1.5 years) broke up with me 'wanting to be single for a while' about two months ago, with no contact for about 1.5 months. What I want to ask is about the fact, as far as I know, shows no sadness from the break up. She's posted nothing online, not talked to any mutual friends I've asked and seemed general detached when we did speak. Hell she only told her mother who she lives that we broke up a week after it happened.

Given the length of the relationship and how intensely I cared for her at times (when her depressive episodes got suicidal) I find this all very disheartening. Is this normal for a BPD? And if so how have others got through this feeling everything you put in couldn't resulted in very little emotions on their end when it was all over?

Hi Corgicuddler95,

I am sorry that you are going through this.  

It is really tough to go through the aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD. As much as we try to piece together things logically, BPD behaviors really defy logic. Sometimes the behavior or actions is completely opposite of what should be expected. Granted when you are looking at it this way or from the view of a non-disordered person, the behavior absolutely does not make sense. I have made things harder for myself by thinking that my pwBPD is not disorder and his behaviors are 'normal.'

An inability to regulate emotions is one of the cornerstones of BPD. Sometimes emotional dysregulation can be presented as "over control" or suppressing emotions. My pwBPD has a tendency to over control or suppress emotions. One time I was very upset and crying over something that he said to me. As I was crying, I looked over at him and he was staring at the TV and texting. On the surface it seemed that he was cold and indifferent. Later he told me, that he was so upset for making me upset, he "zoned" out. It is a combination of dissociation and avoidance. Maladaptive avoidance is huge for someone who cannot handle the intensity of their emotions. The irony of constantly avoiding and escaping painful emotions is that they will continue to be painful in the future and eventually causes more problems and rarely solves anything.

As with many people who are or were in a relationship with a pwBPD, you are now unfortunately a trigger for them. The closer you were to them, the more intense the trigger is. PwBPD do have issues with object constancy (the ability to view a person as having both positive and negative qualities) and object permanence (out of sight, out of mind). It becomes hard for a pwBPD to envision or imagine their partner when they are not physically present. In addition to avoidance and suppression, a pwBPD will engage in splitting as a defense mechanism.

I understand that you would feel like you never mattered, but you did to her. Applying BPD logic, the more you meant the more you trigger her. No matter how much someone tries to suppress, avoid, split, or engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms on a regular basis, it does not have a permanent effect. This type of behavior actually increases the frequency of thoughts and emotions.

Shame is another aspect of BPD. At their core many pwBPD have feelings of shame and self-loathing. Although some pwBPD do not directly express this, it is still present.  Similar to emotional dysregulation and avoidance, shame adds to a chain of maladaptive behaviors that are cycled.




 

Eagles - how do you get past being a trigger and get things to settle down?

Corgi- I had a similar experience. I feel abandoned and hurt. I couldn't imagine doing to someone what they have done to us. I keep telling myself that the cycle will

Continue for my ex, but I have a choice to be in a healthy r/s  folie

I totally understand what each of you are going through. Two months ago I was planning a wedding with him, a month ago he cheated, jumped out of the relationship, and as far as I know he is now with her. He didn't apologize or even tear up during our breakup conversation. But I could see the shame on his face. I can't speak for everyone, but at least in my situation, I believe he is sorry for hurting me (not sorry enough not to do it, or to chase his new high/infatuation), but to the best of his ability. And I know seeing me would trigger him to feel more shame. I think I'm okay with not seeing him because one of two things would happen... .he would either pretend like nothing has happened (which would hurt) or he would project his shame outward onto me... .and that would hurt too... .so it's really just best to try to love them and forgive them from afar I think and try to find peace the best you can and get excited about life. Its not easy. Some days are better than others... .today happens to be a good day for me, others I'm down and crying all day. I really wish you all the best of luck in healing. I think what hurts so much is that you're picturing how you would handle a situation and for you to cut and run, you'd have to be super cold and with no feeling, but you can't know for sure how they feel (nor can I), but its like they speak another emotional language... .one we don't fully understand... .<3 *hugs*

The pwBPD is the only one that can reduce their triggers. There really is nothing that a partner can to alleviate a trigger. The trigger many times is shame and guilt based. From my experience, my pwBPD has directly told me that talking to me gives him anxiety, because he feels so much shame and guilt of the horrible things he has done to me. Those "terrible things", strengthen his already present view that he is a horrible person. He hates himself for who he is and what he has done. It is really sad. I am a trigger for him being associated with his shame, guilt, and self-loathing. No matter what I would do, I have tried so many things, that is something that is a part of his pathology. I cannot change that and he cannot either unless he is willing to work on it in therapy.

If you are meaning, how does the partner of the pwBPD move forward with the knowledge that they are a trigger?  Radical acceptance of the disorder helps with that. It is really tough to do. I have had problems with radical acceptance myself, because of my own issues. 

Had the first bit of contact for a while yesterday, they asked me for a number I had which I gave them and they replied saying thank but put a :) at the end which the first sign of any affection they've shown for me in over a month.

Now I'm just confused and having a day reminiscing about how they were the worlds greatest snuggler  :'(

Similarly I've been thinking about how this reflects more on her ability to love than my ability to be loved. Her actions suggest she only loved me because of idealisation and her BPD not because of the person I am :/

This is a very important revelation. The way your relationship went was NOT a refection of your lovability. <3 It's really hard to accept when your preprogrammed beliefs say the opposite, but overtime if we work on seeing things in a balanced manner and observing all of our good qualities we can change our thoughts about it.