BPDFamily.com

I feel pretty embarrassed to post on here again after all this time. This is not my first rodeo and I had come a long way which is why I never even viewed the site for quite some time. I feel defeated with the fact that I'm even back posting anything on this site. I don't really even know what I feel right now besides pain and just plain stupid. To keep it short and sweet months ago my BPD ex and I had a recycle leading up until 3 weeks ago.

Previously I had changed my phone number and email addresses  I was contacted through my work email which I can't change because it's public knowledge. I told her I would have to think about contact of any sort because I have come along way and was in a good space and don't want any drama and also that in the past she wasn't so nice to me. Weeks later we were in contact and things were moving along slow but I thought different for the better. Time passed on and one day in a pizza parlor we were talking and she asked me about the past because she didn't remember it well and supposedly had memory lapses. I thought hard about it and just felt an explosion about to erupt and tried to evade it and said it's not important and is in the past. She stated her feelings were getting stronger and stronger for me again so she would like to know. I tried with so much care of my words and said something along the lines of "well remember please this isn't happening now in the present but in the past to be honest you were very abusive towards me and things in general were chaotic at times".  

After that statement I could see from her face that it was De Javu time and she became enraged. I kept trying to keep her in the present and saying "babe please stay with me here its not happening now ect ect". However this was the beginning of the cycle of you know what again. Resentment, Resentment and more Resentment. I almost damn near knew it was coming when that question came and it's almost as if she knew the answer already and was looking for a way to sabotage things somehow. I knew I couldn't lie about it and I had to tell the truth and I knew that trying to avoid the question would have caused the same result. I'm far from an expert on anyone but just so ya'll know I have read so much damn material over the years I could have probably got a damn degree on BPD smh. Which makes me feel all the more stupid.

Fast forward to now and as of 3 weeks ago we are no longer speaking and I am blocked. Again not my first rodeo so you guys know the drill surgically precise cut off and block you on the phone. I haven't even bothered to change my number yet or even know if I should. I tried to speak some logic and say can't you see the cycle and that she was taking her issues out on me again and it hurts blah blah blah. Then I remembered to myself "AG remember what you have read logic and facts don't matter in fact they make it worse"... ."AG you are painted black"... ."AG this is your fault you let this happen again"... ."AG if she says she doenst care for you anymore then regardless that it's the BPD only her feelings matter right now and that is her truth"... ."AG She is triggered right now and the trigger is you so you are as good as trash to her"... .

I know the drill she has a meager two friends left. One just came back into her life and the other she lost recently and got back from a raging episode. I was the one who convinced her to apologize to that one friend when she was trying to run from it. Time will pass and she will rage on them again and dwindle those two down to zero. Then somehow try to reach out for support. So If i know the drill and even knew the drill before it even happened with this contact then how could I be so stupid thinking a regiment that has been part of her life for so long has changed? Anyhow glad this site is still here and so glad it allows you to be somewhat private cuz God knows I feel so embarrassed of myself. I gain all this strength back just to loan some out again? Fool AG you Fool! I still care too even now lmfao. I don't even know if I should post on here or staying or leaving cuz seems I am the biggest hypocrate. SOrry for the long rant guys but if you read this nonsense thanks for listening.


Peace  

Do you feel like you took a couple steps back, but that's not so bad because of the many you took to help yourself with understanding, healing, etc? That's not such a terrible place to be (looking on the brighter side of things). If you didn't go as deep this time it won't be as difficult to find your way back out. The last time I recycled, I felt I knew what I was getting into. But I needed to make sure. Was there some of that for you this time?

Hell yeah I feel I took steps back. To be honest though I think I'm feeling heavy on the frustrated side mixed in with a nice side order of pain. Let me elaborate. There are some things I am pretty damn sure of but other things I see that I am blind to. For example as I stated I sorta saw the trigger coming but was unable to stop it from happening nor able to stop it from continuing. However when she first contacted me I immediately set a clear boundary and acknowledged the poor treatment and kindly set a boundary that the chaos ride was not welcome and that if she wanted in this had to be kept in mind.

Also for example two nights ago we spoke and the convo went ok and I thought things were gonna be civil (aka reconcile). She stated lets talk tomorrow and I said ok Ill call after work. I ended up getting stuck at work later and then worked out afterwards but texted her with updates but no response on her end . I called when I was finished and was about two hours late from originally planned but kept her in the loop the whole time. Trigger once again and I know it's the BPD. The frustrating part of these things are that when you are informed you damn near know what conflict is attributed to the disorder for the most part but cannot say anything about it being attributed to it.  I showed a little bit of our text convo to a female employee of mine I'm comfortable with and she let me know just from two sentences or maybe 3 or 4 that she was being spiteful and cheap shotting me. I didn't even notice that part but I guess a female is more intuitive to that kind of malice. She also stated that she was being childish and that I am a manager and got stuck at work and gave her updates so she has no reason to do that to me just cause I was stuck at work. After that it was once again I dont want to talk to you or see you and I need to move on aka surgical precision cut off once again.

The whole I don't have feelings for you I know aren't true either and it is more of a let's hurt AG thing aka punishment. I am beyond frustrated not being able to bring logic into the convos. I am beyond frustrated that I have brought logic into the conversations despite knowing that logic doesn't matter vs feelings to a BPD. If you bring logic or facts into a BPD conflict then you only add fuel to the fire and even if your logic or facts are that solid you get a wrong and strong kind of attitude in return not an apology. I am beyond frustrated at myself for even dealing with someone that treats people who are there for her like this. I am frustrated on so many levels. I'm not so sure if I knew what I was getting into as I had seen changes and she had supposedly been to therapy and on meds. I think the main thing that made me think things were different was the fact I saw her make an apology which was unheard of. That small part blew my mind and I was like wow I think she is changing for the better she would never apologize. However I am realizing that there is nothing to stop the trigger and anyone close will eventually get pounced on one way or the other just for living. I'm feeling so many emotions disappointment, hurt, anger, and a major level of frustration. I don't know if I needed to make sure or not I just knew that I cared deeply still and still had feelings. I also thought my progress and knowledge would protect me.

I have heard many times about drug addiction recovery that relapse is necessary part of recovery. And let us make no mistake our SOs or former SOs are our drugs. I found this on a site about recovery... .

"But from a strictly egotistical point of view, my relapses were beneficial to my sobriety because I survived them, learned some essential lessons, and took action to apply them. These were emotional lessons, not rational ones. Rationally, I knew drinking was suicide. But in the face of embarrassment or white-hot emotion, rationality dissolved. I learned, among other things, that there were no vacations from sobriety and that un-dealt-with anger and resentment were toxic, powerful relapse triggers that could induce amnesia and keep me from accessing my sobriety training. My relapses forced me to find a way to deal with those emotional triggers without reverting to my self-destructive medicine again"

www.addictscience.com/can-relapse-be-a-good-thing/

It reminded me a lot of why you said... .you knew rationally going back wasn't a good idea... .but I think each time we recycle we learn more emotionally (not saying we should keep going back just for that benefit, but if it happens we always come out stronger with more knowledge) Mine emotionally destroyed me 6-7 times and this last time I think I finally finally got it. Learning about BPD definitely helped though because before I was just super lost and confused as to what the hell was going on. So I wish you well and I hope that you do not beat yourself up too much.

Hmmmm... .That's a damn interesting way to look at it. Yes I notice lots of differences. I was definitely lost and confused first meeting her vs this time. I was not allowing projection nonsense bestowed upon me I pushed her issues right back on her and kept my own for me to deal with. I was able to recognize damn near every single thing attributed to the disorder. This was very helpful for me but not so much for her as it was probably what got me dropped to the curb. There was no more this is all your fault crap because I had my research to protect my brain and apply logic that this is blatently her own inner turmoil attempted to be dropped in my lap for me to deal with and I wasn't about to allow that garbage to happen to me again. I notice also that I learned to not dwell on bad mouthing BPD and her as it would only serve as me drinking poison and becoming a walking ticking time bomb angry at the world. I do feel some anger towards but before I definitely wanted her to get hers. Though I don't really wish her well off at this point I don't wish her harm either. Today I'm actually functional surprisingly and it is quite easy to filter through what I am feeling. I know through experience I will have ups and downs but I think you are right I learned a hell of a lot. Even at work I have an inner voice telling me "do not take this out on people just continue being you this is your problem not theirs so don't be a jerk because you've just got crapped on". Today the same staff who I let read the text said she noticed I was taking it well and I said I do feel pain but I am able to fake it something I could never do before. You are right about the lessons. Hopefully this is my last one lol. Thanks for your feedback and the link too :)