BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Been trying to learn as much as I can yet again, analyzing what I might have done wrong in the relationship this recycle. I've seen a lot of people mentioning the abandonment/engulfment dynamic and was hoping to start there. I'm not entirely sure what engulfment entails, I'm assuming the opposite of abandonment. How does one successfully walk the line between triggering abandonment/engulfment fears in their partner? Is it even possible? Thanks for any info.

Hi. Im no expert, but the fears relate to getting too close, too intimate, (engulfment), something as simple as saying I love you can trigger, then the flip side of, Abandonment is the fear of you leaving them (even if imaginary or perceived).  So it appears to be a losing situation.  I think my uExBPDgf had both at the end.  We were moving in together, we were getting to the point of being together a lot more, commitment, I think she panicked and pushed me away (push/Pull).  Coupled with the fact i had mentioned i wasnt happy with the way things were going in the relationship and her behaviour, and the recent fear of engulfment, she flipped and binned me.  I believe pulling the trigger before I did, (fear of abandonment, which is kind of contradictory, I know)).

To answer your question about walking the fine line.  Why would you want to? How can you truly be happy if youre constantly not allowing yourself to express and feel your true emotions.  How can you be happy "walking on eggshells.

in addition.  I wouldnt bust yourself up trying to find out "what you did wrong".  IMO, im guessing you did nothing wrong, in fact, you probably just acted like any normal person would in a relationship.  It was them that had the issues.  Them that was always going to be unhappy at some point.  So dont beat yourself up.

Have a great day.