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After her 3 failed attempts at passing the Bar, $30k debt (i was debt-free and financially stable before we met, and doing well). She simply pulled out of her studies, wasting everything that i had setup for her and is already living with another guy within a day. "I make him happy" - she emails me, when that is likely said to hurt me when for months and months she knowingly withdrew her care and love for me, acting avoidant and wanted to 'hurt me because i hurt her'.

Now, i don't to feel angry or hatin anyone, so i do write each morning in my journal on being grateful and forgiveness.

What I want to know is what is HEALTHY feelings of Anger and Hate? I dont want to suppress my emotions but i dont want to fuel or feed them either.

When you really peel away at emotions you'll realize they're all on the same spectrum - it's how we react to them is what makes them unique.

As I'm reading your post, I'm seeing someone who is processing anger in a very healthy way:

1. your title suggests that you are aware that anger is a natural step during the grieving process

2. your journaling (btw awesome!) integrates gratitude and forgiveness

3. Your acknowledgement of anger.

You're doing good daz_BPD! Own up to your feelings, don't you think it's ok to feel anger to have your values violated? At the same time you already have forgiveness in mind. That's awesome!

Hi daz_BPD,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how frustrating that would be when you're trying to help your ex with passing the Bar and she simply pulls out of her studies.


I agree, reflect, don't repress.


A sufferer of BPD doesn't know who they are, lacks a sense of self, identity disturbances, an unstable self-image. The pwBPD may have frequent changes with goals in life, jobs and careers, gender identity, sexual orientation, friendships and values.

Anger and hate are good emotions because they will make you take actions to change.

But to carry them pass the initial stage will only make you SUFFER.

you are doing the right thing by forgive. and you need to determine a time when you need to forget.

Okay, thank you for your responses.

I think Letting Go will be the hardest, since Ive been obsessing over her, and obsessing about her everyday for years. Worrying about her and her behaviour.

The guy she is with uses drugs, and i know she is desperate right now. I'm very worried she will do something she later regrets (she has a daughter too from when she was 17 years old)

Letting Go... .Okay

Hi daz_BPD,

I completely understand obsessing over a loved one and how difficult it can be with letting go.

There's no magic pill.

You are on the right path.

Why spend time worrying about things you have NO CONTROL over ?

Can you control or stop the guy with whom she is , from using drugs? Nope

Can you change her behaviors, nasty , reckless? Nope.

That is not your place or my place to change other people. It is our place to change our emotions and our feelings.  

My motto is " I will forgive but I will not forget."

We can  forgive other's trespassing agains us, but we should not forget so they will NOT do it again.  

Forgiveness in fact is not for the other person, but really forgiveness is for us. Forgiveness will allow us to lessen our load in life and move on.

You should let her go and let her do whatever she is doing because that what she is and does. But you should never forget what she did so that she or anyone else will do it again to you.