BPDFamily.com

I always have these quotes that keep haunting me... .The things I could not imagine saying to my child. These have been said within the last ten years but my mom has NEVER apologized... .She's done a weak "Well, we ALL made mistakes. You made mistakes and we made mistakes. But people forgive their parents... " while still continuing the behavior even today... .I can't pinpoint one I guess, but these top the list... .

- "I hope your daughter punishes you one day the way you punished me." (I didn't even have children at the time.)

- "God should punish those who come between a daughter and her mother." (indirectly referring to my husband)

- "Even mothers curse their children if they are not happy!" (said to me in a rage)

- "You are just afraid he will be on MY side... ." (a few months ago, talking about my 3 year old.)

-"Grandson wasn't eating, but then I said, I'll take you back to mama's house and then he ate ALL his food AND his desert!" (Cackling on the phone when they were watching my son when we were traveling."

- When I was diagnosed with MS my enDad said, "You shouldn't be stressed. If you keep mom happy, then you will be happy too. Then you will be healthier."

- My parents picked me up from college and I was tired so not chirpy, and my dad said "Why aren't you smiling? We bring you home for Mom's entertainment!"

- Until last year with my then 2 year old, mother would make me stand there and have both of us hold out our arms to see whether my son would go to her or me. She would then cackle if he went to her... .

I could go on and on and on... .But those are the ones that really infuriate at hurt me...

Hi MiserableDaughter,

Wow, what your parents said to you is horrible! I can imagine that especially the things that attack your worth as a mother must be especially hurtful. Keep in mind that what they say has nothing to do with you—it reflects how they feel about themselves. No one who feels comfortable in his/her own skin would ever say such horrendous things. Interesting that your mother keeps some kind of "competition" going and tries to demonstrate that your kid prefers her… My mother constantly compared me to my sister. After my sister's wedding, she said "I always thought you are more beautiful, but when I look at these wedding pics, I realize your sister is much prettier." Like the evil stepmother in a fairy tale…

The worst thing my mother ever said to me? A number of times, she attacked my worth as a human being, as a woman:

"You are not a real woman, anyway" (because I don't have kids)

"Your partner will get sick of you soon and leave you."

(When I was still married and my ex went to a week-long conference abroad): "Maybe your husband will meet a gorgeous woman there and fall in love." Thanks, mom! Nice thought 

I just read your quotes again and shuddered—I am sorry you were diagnosed with MS. Your father's comment is outrageous…

Celia

as a child she would tell me she didn't love me, threaten to kick me out of my home and threaten to leave the house and never come back (baring in mind it was just me and her)

It's her behaviour I remember the most and that has mentally scarred me.

yep yep and yep heard things like this too. Why oh why do we continue relationships with these people ? I can't imagine a boss, co-work, friend or neighbor say such things but we let our parents. What is more crazy is that we accept it until one day you realize - hey that is not nice ! I do not deserve this -What am I doing here ? Couple of things I have heard:

I tell people you are dead, I do not have a daughter anymore.

GOD will take one of your children

I use to be sweet and nice NOW I have a blacken heart.

One of the weirdest way- sprinkling me with holy water and chanting love love love - yeah that was pretty weird, my kids were there too.

I wish I could slap sense into these people. The scary you make yourself the less I want and my kids want to be around you.

Hugs for you forever, MiserableDaughter.     Nobody should have to hear that from their own mother. I can't imagine what that was like for you, and I'm sorry you had to endure that.

My pwBPD is my sister, and she's said the following:

- "If I had all the power in the world, I'd make sure you never get what you want/feel you deserve."

- "You're evil and I hope you die."

- She accused me of "lording my suffering" over other people in order to manipulate them into giving me something or doing something for me (which is projection in the finest degree on her part). She would often make up stories that I abused her or forced money out of her so people would buy her things, for example.

- She once burst into my room after a row with our NPDdad and started a Project-a-thon, saying I was "rude, selfish, manipulative, mean, evil, narcissistic," etc etc etc. She was yelling at me, all while I was just sitting on my bed. I ended up calling her out on the projection and she ran away to her room to whine on the internet about how "mean" I am.   (I raised my voice, something I hardly ever do, and dad was too drunk downstairs to hear a peep, haha!)

- "You're so negative all the time, it's so hard to be around you."

- "Nobody likes you, you know. They just pretend to like you so you won't cry about it."


In hindsight, she really knew what buttons to push. Luckily I've severed ties with her. I suggest everyone who has a BPD family member in their lives do the same, for the sake of their own sanity and well-being.

Oh, and my mother also often said:

"you make me sick," and "I have heart problems because of you."

I grew up feeling terribly guilty and became a total conflict avoider.

Ugh, so many of these nasty comments ring true for me as well.


^ That one especially is one that I am familiar with.  Sorry you have to hear hateful/spiteful things like that from your own mom, CB.  I'm sorry we all have.

A few others I've heard:

"Go to hell."

"I wish you were never born." or "I should have never had you." etc... .

"You love your dad more than me."  or  "No one loves me." or  "I can't believe I gave birth to such selfish children."  or  "You all just want me to die. No one cares if I die!"

When I was a kid she used to insult my appearance (and my sister's) out of the blue a lot.  I remember walking past her in the den once and felt her eyes following me and then she said spitefully, "I was skinnier than you when I was your age.  You're gonna get fat like me when you grow up."

Or, if she was driving and I was in the passenger seat, she would often tell me to "Move that rat's nest out of my way so I can see!"  (my hair is curly - when I was a kid it was often frizzy b/c no one in my family knew not to brush curly hair - it was a source of great embarrassment for me and she knew it and would stoke it... .how much I hated my hair).

I also remember her telling me once that I had "fat knees" and that I should "never wear a skirt that shows your knees - your kneecaps are too big."  It sounds ridiculous, writing it like that, but I was so young it stuck. It wasn't until my early 30s that I realized why skirts always looked so weird on me - b/c I always bought them too long.

There were also all of the comments meant to insult us as people:

"No wonder no one likes you." or "No wonder so and so doesn't want to play with you." etc.

"Everyone knows what kind of person you are."  or "Everyone knows what a liar you are."  or, when I was deeply religious for a period of years in my teens - taking a lot of solace in it at the time, she'd say: "Everyone know what a fake you are. You're no Christian!" etc. A lot of those things were projection, I'm realizing now.

She also used to dehumanize us a lot in the third person.  When fighting with our dad in front of us, she'd refer to us as "YOUR daughter," or "it," or "that little b___," or "THAT THING."

Hello!

Reading through these hateful comments. On one hand I am horrified, but one the other I happy to have found this website with people who can relate to everything I have been going through. A lot of the time growing up I felt very isolated and alone like nobody knew what I was going through. My mothers family made excuses for her and often blamed my father for her behavior. My father is an alcoholic. Oddly enough her behavior was harder to deal with than his. She would be completely sober and just say some of the meanest things that I am sure you all can relate to... .

1. We were arguing about my dad and she hit me with... ."What? Are you f*cking him?" Which is completely ridiculous. I understand this is a thing that happens to people... .but my dad WOULD NEVER lay a hand on his children and for her to even say it is pretty messed up. 

2. I am 30 and her and my father recently split up (he left her) and she has turned into something different... .still BPD but insanely childlike... .very spoiled, bratty, ... .etc... .she says during one of our arguments "Your the reason I stayed with him all these years, its YOUR FAULT, every time I kicked him out you cried for him back" Which *might* have happened when I was like 6 years old. Its like she is referring to things that happened 20+ years ago like it happened yesterday.

3. My boyfriend died when I was about 23. When I arrived home after finding out... .I walk in the door and the first thing she says to me is... ."Why are you crying? you knew it was gunna happen"... .ouch


4. I was worried about my sister (she is 9 years younger than me)... she was hanging out with some kids... coming home real late... .and I tried to talk to my mom about it... .and she flipped out on my... .screaming... ."I thought you were gunna be a DYKE when you were younger... .mind your own business"... .likely because I was a bit of a tom boy and she hated it... .she wanted me to be girl/cheerleader type lol

There are many more... but those are my top 4.    :'(

After reading the responses, the old saying "sticks and stones... ." came to my mind. Obviously that saying is absolutely untrue, especially with the things that were said to us. In my opinion, words can damage greater than physical abuse. It is especially hard coming from our caretakers who were supposed to protect and love us. The phrases and words have been carried with me throughout my life and have been haunting. It is certainly something that you cannot forget. This is a huge factor in self-esteem and self-worth.

 

Some of the things that my mother has said to me:

"You should just kill yourself. You are so desperate and pathetic wanting a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't want you.  You might as well just do it. You are never going to get anyone else " (in reference to my uBPD bf and being upset about his behavior).

"You are the reason that I became sick (mentally ill) and the reason why your father and I divorced."

"You are an evil and horrible daughter. Everyone thinks so too. What type of daughter does not want to talk to their mother every day?"

"You are too stupid to go to graduate school. Graduate school is hard and you are immature, you do not have the ability to be a (my choice of profession). You do not take things seriously and you are going to fail."

"You are too pathetic and helpless to do anything on your own."

"You will be alone for the rest of your life. You have nothing to offer a man."

Hugs for everyone in this thread 

The amount of pattern I'm seeing in these quotes is unbelievable. And it's so unfair how growing up hearing these things makes you accept them as "normal".

Okay, worst things that have ever been said to me by my BPD mother... .

Lots of "I should just kill myself" or "I should have just killed myself" or "I wish the pills had worked" (in reference to her previous suicide attempts) and other variations thereof whenever she would go into meltdown mode

"You don't actually love me" - lots of this. And when she was in her Waif-state, it was sometimes accompanied with "just go live with your father"

Then other times, when I actually did express a desire to go live with my father (in my preteens) "He doesn't actually care about you", "he only calls you when I tell him to call", and "he only cares about his new family" were most hurtful.

"I just don't understand why you're like this now, you were such a good baby. What happened? I didn't raise you to be so ungrateful and s****y" (I was like nine)

I moved to go live with my dad when I was thirteen,  she guilt tripped me constantly about how she was going into debt because she couldn't afford childcare/babysitting for my younger siblings after I left and she was going to have to start leaving my siblings (who were seven, seven, and six at the time) at home alone because of me

"You're just doing this to hurt me" (when she found out about my eating disorder)

"Go ahead and starve yourself, you're not my responsibility anymore"


Ugh, there's so many others. But it's crazy to read how many of these other quotes other people have posted that I've also had hurled at me.

On top of all the insults, I was also often accused of being "too sensitive" (especially by my sister). Or, if I ever tried to stand up for myself, I was told, "Well, but what I said is true, isn't it?"

You just can't win: I was labelled to thin-skinned and accused of not wanting to hear the truth about myself... .

It's so difficult for me to fathom saying the things I've read to anyone- especially one's child.  

My mother sounds identical to Eagle's mother.  My mother was always projecting her self  on me.  

I don't know if this is the worst thing my mother ever said to me but it definitely sticks in my mind because it's so truly over the top cruel ( actually, I just remembered another thing):

1- I found a lump in my breast and immediately called my doctor and then my mother.  Her response:  " Oh dear G-d, I can't believe you are telling me this, I can't believe you are going to the doctor.  :)o you realize that if you have cancer, it could wipe out my inheritance?  I can't talk about this right now! ( click/hang up)"

2- I'm married to an abusive husband and until I can leave, I have sought therapy from a professional therapist who has taught me de-escalation techniques to use when he's being abusive.  I'm also working with the women's shelter therapists who have helped me immensely.   Anyway, my mother ' knows' this about me and my marriage and yet this past spring when she was here briefly, she witnessed me using my de-escalation technique and said, ' Why do you do that?  WHy do you make him abuse you?"  She also told me that she could never imagine being with a spouse and having to call the police on them.  She went on to say how ashamed she would be if anyone saw the police at her house.

Oh and here's a funny one:  She asked, ' Why do you have such low self esteem?" and I said, ' Why do you suppose that is mother?" and she said, ' I have no idea!"    ( spoken like a true narcissistic borderline parent).  The irony in her question is that I've never been stronger and more confident in my life than I am now. Why didn't she ask me that question when I was 17?  Gee, I wonder.  Granted, I'm not living the life I should be at the moment but when it comes to protecting myself from narcissists and other disordered people, I'm 100 percent confident and I don't take anyone's BS anymore. 

My thoughts are with anyone who has posted here. My mum suffers from serious depression so said some horrible things to me but the vast majority of our relationship is hugely loving and supportive and I'm so incredibly thankful for that, I think the strength shown to share your stories is uplifting and incredible and thank you.

I'm on this forum due to an ex gf who said somethings that are truly awful and soul crushing and I still struggle with but I'm grateful each day that these words did not come from a family member.

My thoughts and admiration to you all.

I relate to so many of these sentences... Sadly enough. Here are a few that stick out in my memory

"I hate my family" - when we were eating dinner when I was about 8

"Why don't you go live with your f-ing coach if shes so nice?" - when I was about 12, I  wrote an essay for school about why I admire my sports coach and she lost it at me.

"ungrateful little b" - I probably heard that everyday from the time I can remember to the time I moved out at 17

Its interesting that as I have set boundaries, made my own life and inevitably created my own empowerment, she has lost the ability to use these kind of lines against me. She very occasionally slips up and says something, to which I immediately end the conversation.

"Sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" I remember her first saying this to me when I was less than 10.

At least there was the "sometimes."  :)

-Military men always beat their wives. Your fiance probably has PTSD. He is dangerous. He might kill you.

-There's nothing (medically) wrong with you. I don't believe (your doctors). Send me your lab results and medical tests. (No he's not a doctor) This type is very common.

-Your brother became schizophrenic because he was a bad person.

-you quit everything you do. You will never succeed at anything because you are lazy and weak, suburban middle class white kid, spoiled and ungrateful. My father's family is very well off. The classism expressed is bizarre.

-you're not that smart. Others saying that don't have enough perspective. You are above average. My father strove very hard to prevent me from being in the best schools and the most accelerated classes no matter how many times I would place into them.

- never tell anybody you have a medical problem. People will stop being your friend and people will get you fired at work over it. I had IBD as a teen, which hard enough to deal with since it's embarrassing. I didn't tell anyone until my mid 20s.

   

With my uBPDmom, there wasn't much that she said to me that sounds that bad on paper. It was all contextual and cumulative, more manipulative than aggressive - which is part of why I felt so guilty for so long for wanting to get away from her. I didn't think I was allowed to call it abuse when she didn't use bad, angry words at me.

My uBPDmil, now, she's a different story altogether. She told me that I "should go find someone from Up North" instead of her son, whom I was engaged to (this in response to a random comment I made about not really loving azalea bushes?), and that she was "just about out of noblesse oblige" in dealing with me and my easily-offended ways. She said my best friend was a Neo-Nazi who had evilly influenced me. Later, she went on to accuse me of being a member of a cult that had brainwashed her son, and in an email to my husband expressed that she planned to hire someone to "take care" of me so she could get him back. This escalated as we refused to cave to her wishes. She called me a "that" (instead of a "she" or "her" in front of me when raging at a social worker who was assigned to her after one of her suicidal episodes.  Since then, she has continued to sign herself in emails to me as my "mother-in-love."  Woohoo!  It would be hilarious if it wasn't so... .violently messed-up.

We've gone completely NC with her and I have successfully gotten to the point where her words don't echo constantly in my mind anymore, so I'm not going to dig for further examples.

Read a book by Susan Forward "Toxic Parents". You'l look at the world differently.

"You should have been an abortion" --- pretty much takes the prize for me. 

When I was a teenager she screamed at my brother and me, "You have the devil inside of you." (This to a child who never got in trouble, never did anything stupid, and always did well in school.)

In my early 20s, after just having been diagnosed with asthma and looking to her for some support since she was diagnosed around the same age, "What about my health problems? Why do you keep going on about yourself?"

She has also told me that it would be my fault if my brother becomes an addict.

A few weeks ago she said she was going to see her lawyer about what she could do about how I was abusing her   . I just said nothing, turned around and left.

1. All the lies about stuff she did, and now denies, like when she left the family, how that in her mind is a story of how we pushed her out of it. "You all abandoned me". In fact she is the one who did that. I was 14, my brother was 10.

2. When I told her i had been drugraped. "You tempted fate" (BTW I dont do drugs, someone slipped them to me)

3. ... .And then making it about her: "You know, I have been raped too. By your dad"

4. All of the religious stuff she has been going on about for years. No matter how much you ask to be respected for being agnostic, she keeps on with the bibleverses etc etc etc.

5. "You live a life of sin, your job (a journalist) is sinfull, your friends are sinfull" - and wanted to disconnect (I would have been relieved had i believed her. Ofcourse she came back a few months later)

The usual “Hate you”, “Wish you were dead” , “You should have been a girl” but also

"Oasis are just another Beatles tribute band" – that one realy hurt.

Wow, these are hard to read, but nice to know I'm not alone.  My Mom I believe is uNBPD and my sister is DBPD/Schizoaffective

Here are things my Mom said to me:

-When I was 8 and diagnosed with asthma, the doctor told my Mom not to smoke with me in the car.  As soon as we got to the car in the parking lot she lite up.  I told her, "Mom, the doctor told you not to smoke with me in the car." Her response "Shut Up SisterofBPD"

-When I was in high school and broke up with a boyfriend she really liked and started dating someone else, she told my new boyfriend's mother that I still had strong feelings for my ex.  Like she would have ever known, she was never someone I confided in.

-When I was in college, by this time I hardly had to interact with her much because she worked nights and slept all day.  I really didn't say anything to her, but when I went to go out the door I said good bye.  Her response "Good riddance"   I looked at her and said, "Wow, that's motherly love for you."  Later that night, she said she was sorry for saying that but it was really my fault because how I treat her!

-When I was engaged and fairly close to my mother-in-law because she treated me the way a mother should and that was new to me, my Mom said "I feel like now that you have your Mother-In-Law you don't need me anymore.  My Mom was never there for me when I did need her so this one threw me for a loop.  Unfortunately My mother-in-law passed away 7 years ago

My DBPDsis/Schizoaffective sister has said the following:

-You're such a horrible person, I don't deserve to have a sister like you!

-I'm sure you don't want to think that you're husband had a crush on me before he met you.  (My DH was baffled by this one!)

-You're a spoiled brat and everyone sees it.

After she moved back in with our parents because she needed to financially:

-I will never forget that you didn't offer to have me move in with you!

-You should move out of state, you won't be missed.

-Your kids are developing P$ck's attitude! (mind you she said this after not spending more than an hour with my children in the past 5 years and has been targeting my husband since we got married).

-Family is supposed to be there for you!  I really got cheated in the family dept!

I could go on and on. Sigh

Painful stuff guys.  Very painful.  

"How could you think that?  I am so ashamed of you I thought you were better than that.  I was wrong" To be followed by a long period of silent treatment with her looking at me with a  snarl on her face, at least when she was awake.  After she would also take to her bed for days because she was so upset that I could think or feel such things.  And then she would tell my brother and father what I did that was so shameful... .my thoughts and feelings were the equivalent of actions in her mind and they defined me.

I heard and saw  this stuff so often.  Unfortunately, I was silly enough to continue to share my thoughts with my mother who instilled the belief in me that I can and should be punished for simply having a thought or feeling that she thought was wrong or sinful.  It is only recently that I am realizing that my thoughts and feelings are not bad or shameful, they simply are.  

"You look like a whore Harri.  That run in your stocking is a signal to guys that you want them go up your skirt."  I was in middle school the first time she said that and despite the history of sexual abuse, I had no idea what sex was and couldn't for the life of me figure out why *anyone* would want to go up there.  lol  <picture Harri all confused>  I got the same message when it was humid out and my hair frizzed.  See, my hair changed from poker straight to wildly curly only I never figured this out and how to manage it until my late teens.  As a kid my mother took care of my hair (it was her pride and joy- crazy huh?) and then when I started doing it myself, I just carried on the way she did it.  Once I got a handle on the frizz, I would then be called a whore because she did not like it... .she wanted my hair to be straight again and insisted that I was doing something to make it curl.  She had no understanding or physiology and hormone effects or anything.

"I am too ashamed to go to your school for your graduation.  After the hell you put me through I can't show my face to the nuns"  said by my mother as a reason for refusing to attend my high school graduation.  I went by myself though my father did surprise me by showing up for it.  <score one for dad!>  For my next three graduations, I did not even bother to show up.  Why?  My academic accomplishments were nothing.  I was a shameful whore who just got lucky with being book smart.

There are other examples.  Said daily especially late elementary and middle school days, at least when she was talking to me.  These though were key in helping to establish my shame based belief system.  

Claudiaduffy said something that fits for me too.  
At least when she was raging at me, I could attribute it to anger.  It was the things she would say daily, the things that instilled the shame and self-hatred that were said quietly and in "helpful ways that came from a place of motherly love" <shudder> that were so pervasive and damaging.

These are all really hard to read.  

Once my uBPD mother has gotten to the point of name-calling she's usually screaming so loud that I can barely understand her, but I've been called every name in the book: the "c" word, b*tch, f*ck you, etc.

I think the worst thing she's ever said to me was when I called her looking for support after my DH was diagnosed with MS. I was telling her how he was doing and that we had recently gotten the bill from the hospital and how expensive it was and what a burden it was going to be—just general venting. She snapped and just yelled "WHO CARES?" I ended the call as quickly as I could and that became a big turning point in our relationship. That was when I really stopped confiding in her because she genuinely did not seem to care.

The last time she blew up at me she kept bringing up "respect" and how disrespectful I was to her (after she physically assaulted me in my own home).

My father, not BPD, but I think possibly NPD, once told me point blank that I was a mistake and that he wished I was a boy so I could carry on the family name. That moment has stuck with me my entire life.

Unsurprisingly, I'm NC with both of my parents.

Reading through all of these things are intense.  No one should ever have to experience these things.  Hugs, you guys.  

Some of the worst things my uBPD mom said to me:

"You've been a b**** since you were 2"  

When I was thinking about becoming a social worker she said:

"You'll be a terrible social worker.  You have no capacity for empathy."

annnndddd

"Maybe someday you'll learn to love."

And when she was raging she would call me every horrifying name in the book including calling me fat and a cow when I was a kid.

"I tried to exercise too much so I'd miscarry, but I didn't. Then I thought maybe I'd love you once you were born, but that didn't happen. Then I thought I'd love you as time went on, because my friends told me I would, but I think I can only love boy children."

Hi everyone

It's sad that so many of us have had these painful experiences. The things BPD parents say to their children can be very hurtful indeed. Also the things BPD siblings, inlaws etc. say can have a serious impact.

More likely than not, these words and actions are projections stemming from a disordered mind. Keeping this in mind can help not take what's been said and done that personally. It's still unpleasant of course, the reality is that these negative messages aren't a reflection of who we really are at all.

Now as adults we (fortunately) have the opportunity to free ourselves from the negativity which has been projected onto us. It's important to not let ourselves be defined by the negative projections of us. Those projections have no basis in reality, they hold no actual validity other than in the minds of our BPD family-members.

Key is to not internalize these negative messages and to combat already internalized negative messages. Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with a negative inner voice that they've often internalized from their parents. There are ways to fend off this inner critic:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270316.0)

Take care everyone

I grew up being a conflict avoider too, I think a lot of us probably did.

The worst thing my mom said was to her husband.  He was in a car accident when he was 16 and his 14 year old sister died and he was partially paralyzed.  During one of their fights she said to him:

"too bad your sister died in that car wreck or you would F--k her too"

she was jealous because she found old love letters or something from an ex girlfriend of his, I don't really remember.  She treats him like total dirt.  And he will never be free.