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I'm trying to figure out why my H can function so well at work or in social settings, but not at home.

Examples:

If I mention some place I'd like to go, I get ignored. If someone else mentions the same place, it is the best place to go EVER.

If someone at work doesn't understand what H says, he patiently explains. If I don't understand, he sighs, rolls his eyes, etc. Often I never get a real explanation at all.

H is able to plan and keep things on track at work. He can't even pay the bills on time at home.

H talks to people at social settings about all kinds of things. I can even join in the conversation and he includes me in. At home, I can't get any kind of discussion out of him.

If someone asks H why he likes something, they get an answer. If I ask the same question, H gets insulted and says I'm judging him.

Why does this happen?

When you discover the answer please let me know!

I suspect this occurs for many reasons, and it is also mentioned in "I Hate you -- Don't leave me" to some extent:

1. Co-workers never trigger their fear of intimacy nor engulfment. Think about your own work place, most interaction is very superficial.

2. For a pwBPD who lacks a sense of self-identity, his/her professional setting can define an identity for them by casting them in a role of sorts. Some pwBPD (especially high functioning ones) can be very successful at what they do. This applies to the roles of co-workers as well, their identites are clearly defined... .and pwBPD are able to interact with them as such. You will read posts about a pwBPD being confused when running into co-workers outside of the work setting as it confuse them.

While this makes sense, why doesn't that role continue at home? He's the "in charge guy" at work. Why not at home? What makes him abdicate responsibility when he gets home? Too much effort at work and now he is spent?

Excellent question - every BPD is unique and I do not have the answers to it. It could be that he is tired, had a bad day, etc.

However, if he does play by the BPD playbook, it's that the home triggers his fears of intimacy. And how do pwBPD react to triggers? They act out either outwardly or inwardly. I know how frustrating it is, my pwBPD is a completely different person behind closed doors... .I actually enjoyed going to her work functions because she would be this sweet and outgoing person. Go figure right?

Clean sheets give them a chance to create an image of who they would like to be.

Once an image has been exposed they don't take the responsibility to repair it, they trash it, and look for a new sheet to "start again".

Co-workers DO trigger pwBPD. The more low functioning, the more difficult to hold on to their job.

Indeed the high functioning BPD, as exw, are able to hold a job and can be very successful.

However don’t be trapped by the fairy tail that the mask they hold up at their work won’t crack!

As with all humans, one favours certain colleagues or have more trouble in interacting. Just normal!

But, co-workers are pulled and pushed away too, it is however inevitable (due to that job) to push them too far.

In fact the same pattern as towards closed ones is exposed, but in a mild way.

They are seen by colleagues as civil, normal driven people one moment then moody, inconsistent and manipulative the next.

Seen it for more than 3 decades!

As with all(!) human beings, at home annoyances, frustrations, etc. of that day at work will surface.

But any circumstance outside home that “invalidates” their mask, so feeding their inner turmoil / rollercoaster can only be smoothened by the ones closets to a pwBPD. So ‘every justification’ is felt to project their feelings in an abusive way on their SO (once they are close enough with you).

Remind also that pwBPD have difficulty processing facial emotions! They see negative emotions on a neutral face, they have difficulty recognizing emotions as sadness, fear and disgust (according to Anthony Ruocco, uni of Toronto).

That applies for ALL places, not only at home... .

The core stays the same.

It applies for the lower functioning pwBPD that they can’t hold jobs and/or have long term relationships.

The higher functioning pwBPD are better equipped to show situational competence, to stay in control of that mask, until exposed.

The core stays the same.


As waverider said

Remind that we are / were all the stand in for the parent, even co-workers, because as waverider also mentioned, once they have to take responsibility towards others (we, and yes, co-workers too) persecution is perceived and they trash it.

When the audience is gone, the mask tumbles down and they end up empty, every day... .

I think another poster, Sweetheart, defined BPD as an attachment disorder with those who are most intimate with us. This would explain why dysfunction is most present with the people they are most intimate with- and also the most fearful of abandonment with.

I think motivation is a factor in moderating behavior and this can vary according to how severely affected someone is. I think all people do this to some extent. I am likely to wear sweatpants and a t shirt at home, be informal with close friends and family, but wear work attire and have formal behavior at work, but I don't have BPD thinking and behaviors in either place because I don't have BPD. For someone with BPD, they are likely to not hold it together in more personal circumstances and more or less pull it together for work, but the basic personality style is still there regardless. For people on the most severe end of the BPD spectrum, they can not maintain any relationships for long at work or anywhere else, but people who are mild, or just have traits can be successful on the job and have difficulties with more intimate relationships.

Hi Offroad,

Lots of good responses here, and I think most agree with what I have studied and/or observed, that it has to do with where they are on the scale of high-to-low functioning.   Your H sounds like he's high-functioning, as is mine.  They can do very well at jobs to a point, though with a lower stress tolerance that may make them snap sooner or later.  In social situations they can be charming, but without letting others get really close.  I thought my H was easygoing and sociable for quite some time after meeting him.  He managed to get through his working career and retire with a decent pension.  Since learning about this disorder, I've thought of others I've known who I believe to be similarly afflicted.  One of them can't keep a job for long or hold on to any kind of a relationship.  She has never been married.  I believe she would be on the low-functioning end of the spectrum.

BPD motivators are impulse, need, and immediate gratification. These are more effective with those who are not overly familiar with them, as they are superficial

Responsibility and obligation are the motivators needed to gain respect from those who know them intimately, unfortunately these motivators are lacking.

When my partner first started her most recent job, I would go pick her up after work she would be laughing and chatting away with her coworkers. Five minutes later, she'd say she couldn't talk at all to me because she was sick or something. It used to bother me.

Fast forward a year, and she's threatened to sue the management, thinks almost all the coworkers are the scum of the earth, and ends up quitting in anticipation of being fired.

For a while she can do well at work and gain a lot of positive attention, because as long as she can hold herself together she is actually very smart and capable. So she used to like being at work a lot better than being with me or other friends or family who've seen her at her worst. Then once the people at work start to see her the way she is (missing work without calling in, being rude to customers, etc)--she splits them black, plays the victim, and bails.

I think thats pretty much the standard routine, even a year is impressive, my wife struggled with a week. To the point I stopped encouraging her to get a job

Mine would hold his sh#@ together at work, but then come home and rage at me for every little thing any co-workers did that ticked him off.

His excuse was 'if you can't take it out on your wife, who can you take it out on!'

After I left he hasn't been able to find anyone to 'take it out on' since.

Why do BPD people bite off their own noses to spite their face?   

All good insights, I wondered this as well before I realized my wife was BPD, I was like how the heck does she stay employed? And tend to think a number of things:

1. She holds her breath at work, smiles, does her job, but all day she is filling with BPDness that when she comes home sprays out all over me.

2. Sometimes she does crack at work, but I rarely hear about it, and before I knew she was BPD, I would hear stories about co-workers and ALWAYS side with my wife, now in retrospect, I REALLY would like to go back in time and hear the other side of the story, many of her stories didn't make sense to me, but I didn't pry too much. But, they always had an element of things don't add up. For example, she forgot to do reports -- I am like, how can you forget to do something you have to do to even LEAVE the premises?

3. High functioning BPDs is a new term to me, seem to have some understanding that they can only destroy so much around them, their insecurity and low self esteem seems to be a safety mechanism in some ways that says, "you can always find a new boyfriend or girlfriend, but a new job like this would be a LOT of work, so I can't be as BPD as usual and get away with it".

I wish they would treat their co-workers as bad as me, and treat me like she does he co-workers. She will bend over BACKWARD, and into a PRETZEL for a complete stranger since she wants to look AMAZING in their eyes -- but for me, I literally can't get her to do something that takes 2 mins, if she does it, then that's an admittance that she should have done it, or shouldn't have to be told to do it, etc. and that's an attack on her self esteem, so better to just ignore and deny me.

My personal theory is that they cant keep their mask on 24/7. Its hard work for them so in the relative safety of their own home they can take it off.

Add to this the fact that partners become devalued as we have seen behind the mask and failed to live up to their expectations. This devaluation means they can justify letting the mask slip. In a way it shows that we mean something to them.

This is an interesting insight... I sense this at times, she knows she should have done something, but if she then does it, it draws attention to the fact that she should have already done it... hence an admission of guilt... so sticks to denial.

eg If she doesn't put something away straight away, she wont do it later as that is an admittance that she was supposed to... so she just denies it was ever her job, or has good reason not to.

Rather the mask doesn't work at home as the partner knows its only a mask, so no point making the effort to put it on.

But it did work in the begining. Werent we all attracted to someone that at first seemed perfect until the mask started slipping. The longer your together the harder it is for them to keep up appearances.

Yes, I believe there comes a point where it just takes too much effort to keep the mask on 24/7.

I think the underlying problem of not having a self means that they become chameleons. But whatever they turn into isnt a comfortable fit. Theres only so long you can try and be something your not.

The mask was off within a month after we were married.  It was a rude awakening. 

My husband has taken less and less responsibility at home as the years have passed.  If I ask for help with something, I can hear him bristle before he makes a sound or says a word.  Maybe I can even see his hair stand on end.  I should have stashed away a dollar or two for every time he has said, "I don't want to be obligated to anybody." 

I used to think he was saying that to be silly.  Now I know that it is his mindset. 

That was one of my ex's favorite sayings too!