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I've just broken up with my ex with BPD ,  well she called it off,  I'm wondering if they ever feel bad like we do after a break up,  or if they feel any pain of the break up.  The reason I'm asking is I live in a small town and drove past her earlier and the look on her face was like she didn't care for me what so ever and never did,  it was a heart breaking moment for me,  we have been apart for 3 month and been going no contact for 6 weeks,  I still feel heaps of anxiety when I see her and feel like I'm losing control and going crazy for the next couple of day,  do these people feel anything at all,  I'm not sure but I think she has a new partner which also makes it harder again,  does any one have some more advice on how I can deal with this anxiety and try to stop thinking about my ex all day every day,  I've done all the things people have told me I just feel nothing is working for me,  I'm even considering getting hypnotized to help... .

Hi

You are de-toxing from a very powerful drug, so your feelings of anxiety are perfectly understandable and will abate with time. Reading the lessons on these boards will help it sink in and speed recovery up.  |iiii

Does your ex think about? Almost certainly yes. Does she think about you in the fond way you hope? Almost certainly no.

I believe pwBPD loved us  - but only in the sense that we temporarily objectified the 'perfect partner' they continually seek. As soon as real life shattered that illusion they were done and we were history!

Your ex is hurting - or at the very least angry. However all the fault for the relationship breakdown has likely been projected onto you.

That's why they tend to find re-bound relationships a lot quicker than we do.


Fanny

Do they ever tend to sit back and feel pain at any stage,  maybe after the next relationship or do they ditch that one and move on to the next... .  I remember one time we broke up and she was with some1 she came back and said she didn't want to lose me as a friend  and that's why her and her partner split up,  then we got back together and said she never stopped loving me and being friends was just the underlying reason to get back together,  I'm kind of worried this may happen again down the track and I don't want to fall back into the trap.  And yes you are right she blames me for everything that went wrong.  Another huge problem I'm struggling with is her son,  he was 7 when I met him and is now 13 and I'm not able to see him  at all,  she said maybe in 6 months or so when we completely detached from each other but sense that was said her family got involved and said I'll never se him again,  it's just so confusing what may happen

It is confusing and hurtful - there's no getting away from that. More so when there's a child involved who you obviously bonded with - they are the 'collateral damage' in these relationships, so to speak.

You can't really predict their actions other than to say she will do what's necessary to secure her emotional survival. All you can do is focus on you which you are doing and try to find some positive distractions i.e. gym, hobbies, family and friends.

You are lucky she's done this now rather than 2 years hence when you're married with a kid. I know you don't feel lucky, but in time you will do.

Keep posting


Fanny

Thanks for your reply it does help a little to know that I'm not going crazy,  even though sometimes I feel I am.  Yes it's definitely hard with the child involved I was made love him like my own throughout the relationship which he is a great young man so that was easy to do,  to have it all ripped out from under me is like going through hell.  Every one says to give myself time and I will certainly look back at this experience and think to myself " what the hell was I doing there for so long"  I guess I would just rather this happen sooner than its happening

Your feeling and anxiety when you see her are very normal.

Here is how you can combat that monkey thought :

first, compile a list of all the negative things in your relationships and also the potential problem if you were to marry her - in 5, 10 ,15  years.

second, armed with these, whenever the feeling of regrets or anxiety come, you immediately focus and recite the negative lists. That will help calm down your attaching mind as you let your brain takes control of your ill-logic heart.

That's ks for your reply,  I will definitely do that,  it's makes perfect sense at the moment when I see her I think about the past and find myself  fantasising about how things could be,  I will definitely be trying that one,  it's funny I feel better already just thinking about that

Short answer yes. They think about how much they hate you. Then as time goes on our memory becomes more fond with them. My ex felt terrible because she "tortured" her ex from five years ago. But she left him like she did me. He never recovered... .R.i.p pal.

I know for a fact their pain never goes away. They are haunted by it.

Hi helpme,

I've had these same thoughts myself. You aren't crazy. We'd like to think that they are missing us and feeling bad for hurting us but that doesn't seem to be the case. I too have passed my BPDX in traffic and he acted the same as your ex. Later he contacted me and I asked him about it. We were on a bridge just me and him, passing, but he said "I didn't see you." Yes he did, but it just didn't matter until he wanted to talk to me again. It's like flipping a switch, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (in fact there is a really good article on this site about this).

I think the list of negatives is a good idea too.

K

The reality of all this is that the first few months flat out $uck and I don't think there is anything you can do about it. I don't think anybody can tell you how to get her out of your head. So, to be honest, short of doing something illegal, do whatever it takes to get your life going. Take it from somebody who is 10 months out. It makes shiver when I think back where I was a few days and weeks out. I had all sorts of crazy thoughts going through my head - from a suicide to a ordering a hit on her and anything and everything in between. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't really function. All I could do was to think about her every second of my life. I think I was certifiably insane for 2-3 months or so. But... .it does get better... .it will get better. Hang in there, dude, that is all you can do right now.

Mine found a rebound the day I told her it was definitely over between us.

Then 5 months later writes an apology.

She probably thought about me every day since. Not very healthy, but I've thought about her every day too.

Sucks. I think about us getting back together sometimes but after all that's happened its ridiculous to even consider.

Im just gonna say this because it might make it easy, due to circumstances with my ex and the things I've learned she told to her new partner and god knows who else she mentioned or this new guy i had to keep tabs on her for my own protection.

They will make it look like everything is love and happiness to the outside world, i have backdoor on her phone and computer (again i need to protect myself) but trust me they are miserable and cause trouble right away, as soon as they feel "comfortable" the true self comes.

She started "researching" ways to kill herself, on her notes there is a lot of weird stuff like calling herself stupid among other nasty words because she is having problems with the new guy, she writtes that she needs to change the way she talks because it makes him look bad and that she loves him and respect him; another note had the name of the guy written several times with the way she needs to address him, another note that states " dogs are more loyal (what he thinks of me)" exactly like that.

Yet you will see the pictures of this people like they are having the time of their life.

My best advice is to get angry in a healthy way.

I apologize if anyone gets upset with what i wrote.

Hi Help...

All I can say is, long ago I was with a pwBPD... .for 5 years... she had a kid who was 7 at the time... just like you.

It was like losing my family... .

Its ALL an emotional nightmare... .BUT GIVE IT TIME Bud... .

It will fade and you will NOT be bothered by this anymore.

You MUST grieve the loss.

But TIME will do its work... .and time is different for each of us.

It took me years cause I was alone, in Her city... .with really no friends... .That's why it took me do long... but I got through it... .and You Will Too.

Stay No Contact

Grieve The Loss

Make NEW memories WithOut her.

And let Time wash it away, and give you Newness!

Hi Kendal just wondering what article it is you mentioned so I can have a read of It,  it's very tough times my heart goes out to everyone ever involved with a person with a disorder

I agree with that. It reminds me of something my ex said to me after we broke up - "the only thing I regret is not paying you back the £300 i owe you. That gave you an excuse to be the worst girlfriend i have ever had. Im going to pay you back the money I owe you so I will be guilt free and know I gave you no reason to treat me badly. I will be guilt free. But you know your guilt won't go away unless your sicker than I thought"

I interpret it as projection, that actually its HIS guilt that won't go away... .

Thanks so much for everyone that has replied it has helped me think a little more rational so many story all with the same painful break away,  it's really nice to talk to people that understand me,  thank you

Hi, the good news is... .you have taken your first steps out of a destructive relationship.   The bad news is that it really hurts.  Its difficult to detach and it is a process.   After awhile you will be feeling better.  Try not to measure your progress with days and months.  You will get over the relationship when you get over it.

If my uBPD ex boyfriend is any indication, then absolutely yes.

Initially, it sounded like he broke off the relationship, but later on, he shared with me the "trigger" that made him think he was about to be rejected, so in his mind, she broke it off with him.

He was absolutely OBSESSED with her.  He could not bear to say her name out loud.  He wrote poetry about her -- how evil she was.  He would claim he didn't like talking about the past, but then he talked about her almost every time we were together during our 4-month relationship.  He would rage about her and talk about wanting to kill her.  He'd claim that she wanted to make him her slave.  Everything was her fault, and he took no responsibility for anything that had happened between them.  But the one time I dared call her a loser, he rose to her defense . . .

This was all one year after the final break.  I suspect, but do not know, that he was rejected in a recycle attempt, or somehow lost contact with her entirely, because it was a LDR with a married woman who probably also had BPD.  He said he had to go back and read his journals to keep her painted black, he missed her so much!

So far, the way he has treated me seems nearly identical on the surface.  He seems to have a "cycle length" of a month or two, so I figure I'm coming up on a recycle, unless he finds a replacement -- not highly likely.  If he talks about me with a replacement as much as he talked about his ex with me, the replacement will run! 

The way I understand it, pwBPD attach to someone and are never really able to detach.  In order to cope, they change the attachment type to a "hate" relationship.  They are not capable of being indifferent, IMO, to anyone to whom they have attached.  The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.  Hate is still a form of passion, and as you can see from the way my exBPD used his journals, hate is an active emotion that requires thought and effort.  So yeah, they think about you, just maybe not the way you'd expect.

From my observation/experience they definitely do think about exes.  My ex started to re-idealize his girlfriend before me (the girl he broke up with for me and cheated on).  As time went on, though, I started to become devalued and looking back I could see he was idealizing her again.  Subsequently, he broke up with me and went back to her.  That ended and he came back to me, saying he was thinking about me a lot and missing me.  Crazzzzyyyyy.  You just can't do that to people, but the exgf and myself both allowed it :-/

There was also a girlfriend from about 6-7 years before that he described  as "crazy," and he stated he wanted nothing to do with her.  Yet, now, two years later after he told me she was "crazy" they are facebook friends again, and seem to be friendly.  My ex cannot completely let go of people, but sad thing is when they are actively in his life and attentive he pushes them away and is very cruel, and seems to think whoever came before or whoever may come next is better.  It's such a nasty cycle.  My ex even told me "I always contact my exes."  He can't seem to leave them alone. My goal is to not give him the pleasure.  I don't care to be a friend or friendly, just so he can keep tabs on me, and just plain and simple, I do not want someone that mentally sick and toxic in my life.

PS I also know almost all the names of his ex girlfriends, even ones from high school-he is 34.  He talked about all of them, all the time.  It didn't really bother me, but looking back it should have.  It's completely unnecasary, but he can't let go of the past.

HelpmewithBPD, I think the answer is a definitive YES but, not in the same way that you and I think about an ex.  They truly split.  What "once was" might as well be what "never was" because they cannot hold all the memories in conscious thought.  We can read a world of meaning into that which often sounds like negativity about us.  But it isn't. 

I find it ironically funny how our guts tell us that something is wrong with our partners and yet we/me are not able to fully digest it b/c it seems too far fetched from reality.  In my case, I kept on approaching it with the logic that I have learned while living in this world.  While that is pretty accurate in all other r/s's, not so when your partner has BPD traits.

As far as actions you can take, many good ones have been mentioned here, especially about making a list of all the things that were not good.  But I want to call out a quote that I laughed so hard while reading that I spit out my coffee.


WOW!  That is so true.  As soon as things get stabilized and normalized their disorder comes out with a vengeance.  So, think about the opposite of that in regards to your question.  If she is not "comfortable" then she is acting disordered, that is not about you and is likely evidence that she IS thinking about you. 

Thanks for posting.

I think they probably do think of us, though i dont think they want to. Knowing my ex and the circumstances of our b/u, i bet she would like to think that i never existed. BPD is a heavily shame influenced disorder so even thinking about us is probably too painful for them.

These two statements is what I observed in my situation.

For me, the short answer is "yes". She does still think of me.

Long answer, what effect is my thinking about this having on my life? I cannot see anything positive... .for me or her. Shall I continue to torture myself over the "what-if-I'd-done-X-or-Y", what if, what if, what if... .

What if didn't happen.

I have to focus on me, now. Not her, then.

Hard as heck when your mind is consumed by this person. I get it, all of us here do. Hence the use of the word "family"... .

:)

After this second go with my BPD ex bf, I was with my friend and told her in a moment of heated emotion, "I hope he misses me!" Hahahaha-having a moment I was. She had a great response though, she told me, ":)oes it really matter?  He is so disorderded that yeah he might miss you one week, but the next two he won't, then he will miss you again, etc, etc."

I feel it is normal to wonder about that, but I think my friend made a great point- they are so disorderd it will constantly change.

Damn if this isn't True... .

I just want to read and immerse myself in THAT which helps *ME*... .

I don't need to feed that thing inside me that sometimes Craves this person... .

Uh uh... .

I want to get UP and OVER this mountain.

And something tells me... .there's some hard climbing to do.

Thank you so much for all your support,  I really am struggling with this and everything I'm ready is just amazing to know people understand me and it really is like a family,  thanks so much again

It's been 2 months since my breakup and my ex had messaged me thrice. Twice because she needed something and once to say thank you because i sent her stuff for her birthday. She never asked me how I was or what I was doing.

I have no doubt she occasionally thinks about me but she's never acknowledge the break up or me on social media or too any of our mutual friends as far as I know, at least not without provocation. Meanwhile I think about her constantly, it's strange going from so wonderfully in love to acting like a stranger in just a couple of months

The 10 beliefs articles really helped me let me during my detachment, but #2 and #8 really hits home on this topic. As sad it is, we can't apply our logic to a pwBPD, and for people suffering from object constancy, it really is out-of-sight, out-of-mind.


8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=144988.0)

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0)