BPDFamily.com

Haven't been on here for quite awhile! A few years ago I dated/lived with a super attractive and super abusive BPD woman. Those wounds from that have not really healed.

Since then, I had trouble connecting with any healthy women. Over the last two months I was dating a unattractive, not very intelligent girl. Right of the bay i started seeing BPD warning signs and just general red flags in general, but I stayed in the relationship because she was sweet to me.

Two nights ago she stood me up while I had to look after her two dogs and would not text or call back. The next morning i got a text from her phone claiming to be her sister, saying she was sick and had to go to the hospital yesterday where she got an IV because she was just dehydrated.

Huge red flag to me, such a weird crazy story. She works inside in air-conditioning. She comes over my house last night, no marks on her arms from an IV. I already had enough other reasons to break up with her, but i decided I'd give her a shot to prove this wasn't all made up. I needed to check her phone. She would not let me check it that night, and in the morning she said she would let me after we got ready. I told her not to bring the phone into the bathroom, and she said it was in her purse. Sure enough she did bring it in with her. So i told her that I just can't trust her anymore and she took the dogs.

Am i completely nuts? I just wanted to confirm that I wasn't crazy... I feel like if she didn't do anything wrong she would have just let me check it. I told her I wasn't going to snoop around a bunch, I just needed to skim through calls and texts from the past two days to confirm her story, because of what i went through in my last relationship.

No, you are not nuts.  The insanely far-fetched stories of my ex were just that... .stories. 

And really, needing to check someone's phone is indicator enough that the r/s is problematic.  Never in any "normal, healthy" r/s was I checking my partner's phone. 

The need to do so would say to me either that:

(1) my partner may not actually be misbehaving, but that if I feel insecure enough that I need/want to check his phone, then this r/s is not actually working for me

(2) my partner may be misbehaving, and so my need to check his phone indicates this r/s is not working for me.

Either way, sounds like this r/s doesn't cut it.  You are smart.  You know what you know.  Trust yourself!   

Hey, you were just more in touch with your gut this time around.  Nothing wrong with that.

My only critique is that you weren't confident enough to pull the trigger without trying to seek verification.  You didn't need to check her phone; you were just looking for an excuse not to go with your instincts.  You don't have any right to look through anybody's phone.  And she's under no obligation to show it to you.

What it comes down to is respect.  If someone puts you in that type of position--flaking, excuses, etc.--the person who respects you, your time, your feelings, etc. and is able to empathize will do what they can (within reasonable expectations) to put your mind at ease.  By the time you have to check their phone, it's already too late.

My advice:  next time that happens, walk away.  If she comes to you with a satisfactory explanation (which she will do if she cares) you can take that into consideration--and set a boundary.

Thanks for the responses. You are right, I was looking for a reason to not trust my instincts. By "need" to check her phone, I meant "the only way I will continue this r/s is if I can verify your crazy story."  Whether she was doing something shady or I am just insecure the r/s was done.

Really struggle to connect with healthy people...

drxap, I appreciate your sentiment.  Maybe this is true.  Or maybe you just think it is true.  What would it be like to say the opposite to yourself? 

Either way, there's only one way to find out and that is to get out there, meet people, trust ourselves and quickly let go of the ones we deem unhealthy/off/not a good match.  For surely, there are many healthy people in the world for whom we are not a good match.  So whatever the reason, if we don't match then time to roll. 

I have just started reading the book Attached.  It seems really good and gives me hope.  eeks made a comment yesterday on a post of mine regarding attachment that was very helpful (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=282160.0).  We can learn how to do this better.  We already are doing better.  We've - YOU'VE - proven that by ending r/s that weren't working!

I don't think you were wrong. I'm sorry that it had to play out the way it did. On some level I actually can understand that after two months someone wouldn't like their phone being checked. I do think that is within the bounds of being reasonable. However, that said, it is a strange story, and at least some explanation can be expected. Furthermore, after dating for two months you'd think you know if she had a sister. I think for me that's kind of strange. Mentioning a sibling is something that I do on a first date. Not that I go into it but just saying that I have a sibling.

In any case it does sound suspicious but more than anything it's the way it made you feel that you needed to protect.

drxap, i just read this on another site which made me think of your statement above.  Here is a simple technique to help with such thoughts: 

RAIN

The acronym RAIN, a tool used by many meditation teachers—originally developed by Michele McDonald—is a simple yet powerful way to handle a stress episode. It allows us to shift our perspective of the stressor from threat to manageable challenge, and to activate our own resources to meet the challenge with equanimity:

Recognition: Consciously take notice of what is occurring in your body and mind. For example, “My mouth feels dry and there is a pit in my stomach. I feel like an idiot.”

Acceptance: Acknowledge that the stress response is present and allow it to be here. This doesn’t mean that you’re happy about it, but giving up the effort to resist it is, paradoxically, the quickest way to help it subside.

Investigation: Ask yourself calmly what thoughts and emotions are present, what stories you are telling yourself. Following this technique, the candidate might have answered, “I can’t believe I sound so lame. I’m afraid that I will lose this opportunity, that I will not be admitted to business school, that I will feel like a failure in front of my family and friends, and that I won’t have a successful career.”

Non-identification: Having recognized, accepted, and explored the implications of your stress symptoms, the final step is to realize that although you are experiencing them, they do not define you. “I am having the thought that I may feel like a failure” is very different from and much more manageable than “I am a failure.”

So, in your case, "I am having the thought that I really struggle to connect with healthy people."  This is very different from "I struggle to connect with healthy people." 

Whatcha think? 

Thanks again for all of the support. I guess my biggest challenge is escaping all of the negative self talk. After the serious BPD r/s I often wonder if I'm nuts.

I was thinking the other day and i think if i ever get into another relationship i might need to tell my partner about my experience just so they know how it has affected my ability to connect. 

Hi drxap,


Why date someone who you find unattractive and unintelligent anyway? Don't you deserve to be with someone whom you think is great regardless of whether or not they have BPD?

Lifewriter

Wisely said. Good advice. ... .noted for future - Thanks Reclaiming.