BPDFamily.com

I've posted before that I believe my wife is BPD because she exhibits about all of the symptoms except maybe 2.  One of those is intimacy and the other is hurting herself (although she did bring up a couple of times a few months ago thoughts of killing herself).  She seems to desire intimacy a lot; however I am not the intimate one.  Does this mean she is not BPD?  Most of the posts I see on here quote the wife or husband as lacking intimacy.

PwBPD are all different. The list is really more like guidelines. :) A pwBPD doesn't have to have everything on the list, and some of the items will be slightly different depending on the severity of the BPD.

I mean, who'd think in a million years that the frantic effort to not being abandoned would be to abandon the one person who loves you? That's not on any list. Who'd think that that weird fight that gets picked every other month is a result of a high functioning pwBPD that NEEDS to release their anger, because they have no idea how to express it constructively?

The main thing I've learned since being on this site, is that pwBPD blame anyone and everyone else for their own issues. That's not on any list, but it's very true. That they project their own problems onto others. That some cannot manage their emotions, so everything comes out as anger. That many can appear as if they do not have BPD until something throws them into dysreglation.

So no, don't rule out BPD just because she doesn't fit all the criteria or into a nice, square box.  :)

Hi dacoming,

I believe it is Gunderson, a leading expert on BPD, who has said he wishes there was a scale for the degree of severity in BPD traits, more so than a simple list of criteria. There are many pwBPD who suffer from the most severe symptoms (attempting or completing suicide), and then those that Bill Eddy describes as "high conflict personalities" or HCPs -- which not all pwBPD are.

Sometimes you will hear people talk about sub-clinical BPD -- this can still present some challenges that most if not all of the tools/techniques here will help.

Can you say more about what you mean by lacking intimacy? I'm not sure what that means (emotional, physical, other?)

I've read multiple articles that say most people with BPD shy away from intimacy.  I think that means any form of intimacy.

Hi dacoming,

By intimacy, do you mean emotional intimacy? And if so, can you say more about what that means to you in the context of your wife's behavior?

An important thing to remember is that while BPDs have shared traits, they are all unique individuals. My husband's intimacy needs/tolerance fluctuates greatly. Sometimes he is extremely affectionate and physically, emotionally, spiritually intimate. Other times there's a wall.

One of the things I've learned is that some of the characteristics can hide inside cultural differences. I used to say my husband displayed all but 2 of the characteristics, those two being suicidal thoughts (although he did talk about not caring if he died, etc, but didn't seem to be directly suicidal, more like he wouldn't care if he lost his life), and self-harm/addiction. I realized that the self-harm was present but in a different way. My husband is from Haiti and cutting is not a thing there. If you cut yourself in Haiti people would think it was a religious thing or they would just discard you as a helpless maniac. But what I didn't see is that when he was dis-regulated he would stop eating or eat very little for days and even weeks. Starvation in Haiti is much greater of an attention-getter than cutting or the self-harm forms we see here.

That's just an example. But I continue to say, we have to realize that each of the BPDs in our lives are still individuals.

If your SO displays that many BPD traits, they probably have BPD, and even if not, the skills learned here can certainly help you cope with whatever issue it really is. Don't get caught up in the labels and traits. You have a unique person in your life which is why you fell in love in the first place.