BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I'm a 60 yr old mother of a 40 yr old daughter who has BPD, PSST, is physically, mentally and emotionally disabled.  She's had numerous suicide attempts, cutting, abused horribly by ex-husband and other boyfriends and significant others.  She's physically disabled and is on social security disability.  She has had and will need multiple surgeries and has chronic pain.  She's in therapy, support groups, been hospitalized and had EBT.  This year alone, she has had multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations and even an attempt on her life.  I'm overwhelmed, feeling drained yet guilty that I can't or sometimes won't help even when I can.  I have a high-pressured job that usually involves travel - early this year, I had to make emergency arrangements to come home because she attempted suicide.  I haven't felt comfortable to travel yet again this year.  I've been fortunate that my work and client was flexible but travel is a requirement of my job and I'm afraid to be away from her.  Financially, SSDI doesn't cover her rent, food, utilities, prescriptions, etc. so I'm always  needing to step in and help with food, gas, prescriptions, etc.  Then I'm angry because I need to help myself too.  Her needs always seem to be when I'm stretching my money so I can get through to the next paycheck.   She's not a bad person - she is smart, kind, a good person but has gotten herself in situations where people have abused, used her.   I should be able to cope with this; that I have a good salary and should be able to help and should feel okay about helping.  I'm overwhelmed, drained, have to turn my thoughts, feelings and needs "off" so I can be in a frame of mind to support her.  I feel resentful, that I am still focused on her when I need to focus on my future.  My confession is that I sometimes think that her pain, life circumstances, etc. will only get worse.  I believe in assisted suicide - I was with my mom when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  The six weeks she lived after diagnosis was filled with extreme pain and sickness, more than anyone who has no hope to live should have to suffer.  Sometimes I feel hopeless for my daughter, I don't see the end to her suffering and I wish she would have a successful attempt.  But I also know, that this is because I am overwhelmed and I really don't want her to die, I love her, she is my daughter and I don't want to lose her.  So I keep going trying to help make it better, hoping this is the time she will get better.   Wow, I haven't said some of this before.  

Writing this has helped, maybe dumping these feelings where others can read is a way to cope.  I know that I will be there for her.  I will take her to get some food and her meds tomorrow.  Encourage her and let her know that she will make it through this and it will be better.  It's an illness, it's not a shortcoming on her part.  She's had a couple of loses this month, even though they are "good" loses that she wanted (breakup with abuser), grieving this loss is normal and expected, but it's also temporary.  

Thank you for the opportunity to express this.  

 

Hi CMsMom,

I'm very glad that you are here telling us your thoughts and expressing how your daughter's illnesses are affecting you and your life.  This is a safe and caring place to share these things, we have walked the same path and have had some of the same thoughts and feelings you have.

The struggle to be supportive and help an adult child suffering with BPD and chronic illness will take its toll on us.  The dilemma becomes who do we care for first... .ourselves or our children and how much of ourselves and our well being do we sacrifice to be there for them.  The answer simply is that we must take care of ourselves first and foremost in order to be able and available in healthy ways to be there for them.

We have the skills, tools, and Lessons here on the site to help us accomplish this.  It isn't easy, it takes time, it takes continued effort and commitment and we must do it for us and for them. 

I hope to hear more from you and get to know you better and learn how I can begin to help.

lbj