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Title: How to end a romantic relationship with a person with BPD? Post by: BTA145 on August 28, 2015, 10:48:02 PM I've been in a romantic relationship for eight years with a person with BPD and Depression. She was hospitalized for a suicide attempt last November and now she is in the hospital again for suicidal threats. She has been in DBT therapy for the past eight months and while I believe in DBT whole heartedly as an effective treatment for BPD she seems to be getting worse lately - perhaps it has to get worse before it gets better. As for me, I have been in therapy for four months myself and I have since learned that I was in a codependent relationship (codependent enabler is a term I read on this website that pretty much fits me) and my therapist thinks I have symptoms of PTSD from this relationship. Of course it hasn't been all bad, but the unpredictability of moods and behaviors, the rages, the verbal abuse, the inconsistency, the suicidal ideation/threats/attempts, the inability for her to take care of her basic needs - eating, paying bills, showing up for things, etc... .it's all been negatively affecting my physical and mental well being. So now finally, through therapy, I have found my own self-respect and I have worked on a safety plan (I leave when she starts yelling and throwing things) and now I realize that I have to leave this relationship entirely in order to preserve myself. I love her and this is incredibly difficult to do but I have to save myself. But how do I leave someone who is actively suicidal and BPD symptomatic? We also share a beautiful apartment in a city where housing is scarce. But if I need to move out to get out of the relationship, I will. She is currently becoming more and more suicidal as she is sitting in the psychiatric unit of a hospital so I fear that I can't leave yet. And I'm terrified of me leaving and her killing herself. The first night I followed my safety plan (last Tuesday) she threatened suicide and her therapist called 911. I'd love some suggestions from people who have left these types of relationships.
Title: Re: How to end a romantic relationship with a person with BPD? Post by: Lifewriter16 on August 28, 2015, 11:06:47 PM Hi BTA,
Welcome to the Boards. I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time. I've only been posting for 5 months, so others may be in a better position to give you advice. However, it struck me that there is never a right time to end such a relationship so looking for one is probably a futile attempt. And, if she is currently in a residential mental health hospital, you could talk to them about your intentions and they can maintain suicide watch, whereas she won't have that level of support once she's discharged. Having said that, if/when you leave, be prepared for some major emotional reactions on your part. Withdrawal from a relationship with someone who has BPD can literally feel like withdrawing from drugs and it can bring up all sorts of pain and issues to deal with, so I'm glad you've got therapeutic support. Love Lifewriter Title: Re: How to end a romantic relationship with a person with BPD? Post by: babyducks on September 02, 2015, 07:44:52 PM Hi BTA,
I posted on your other thread but wanted to jot a note here too. First a quick housekeeping thing. The board you are posting on is the Staying board, because you are still with your partner while she is in the hospital. The moderators who are all volunteers doing a thankless job brilliantly have guideline for this board which include not urging members to exit their relationship. I included the guidelines for you. I personally think posting on this board is the best for you because we all are the resident experts at communicating with pwBPD in distress and it looks like you might need some help with that. but to be fair I wanted to point out if you go over to the undecided board, you will likely get a whole different set of messages, and you might want a different set of opinions. board guidelines Excerpt Summary: Understand the thought patterns of a BPD spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. Learn relationship building and communication skills and strategies for personal growth. Audience: For members who are in a relationship with someone who is suffering with BPD and who want to improve the quality and safety of the day to day family interactions. It is also acceptable to post on this board as you are working through the initial stages of a break-up and you are still communicating or trying to reconcile. Objective: To improve the quality and safety of your day to day family interactions. General Approach: The approach is four-fold: 1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship; 2) to understand our role in the relationship problems; 3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and 4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves outside of the relationship. A relationship with a borderline requires a great deal of strength - the healthy partner must assume the role of emotional caretaker or emotional leader in the relationship. This requires strength, understanding, knowledge and patience. Self-care provides us strength, understanding connects us, knowledge guides the our behavior through which we affect others and determines what is perceived. Patience and time are on our side. Additional Guidelines for this Board: Please read the community guidelines (see link at the bottom of every thread). The following guidelines are also in effect for this board: •Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult relationships. Please allow them the opportunity. •Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice. We are here to find solutions. It is a given that our partners are difficult. •We are not victims and this board is not about right and wrong. Please do not take sides in couples disputes or seek to have other members agree, support or defend your position in your relationship disputes. This will only serve to polarize matters in your real life and make resolution further out of reach. Additional Guidelines for this Board: Little is intuitive in a BP relationship. We encourage all members to read our starting guide - Before You Can Make Things Better - You Have to Start by Not Making Things Worse. She is currently becoming more and more suicidal as she is sitting in the psychiatric unit of a hospital so I fear that I can't leave yet. And I'm terrified of me leaving and her killing herself. The first night I followed my safety plan (last Tuesday) she threatened suicide and her therapist called 911. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can certainly understand why you would feel terrified. Was there something about last Tuesday night that made you follow your safety plan? You also mentioned you have been in therapy for four months, what does your therapist suggest considering what's happened recently? 'ducks Title: Re: How to end a romantic relationship with a person with BPD? Post by: BTA145 on September 03, 2015, 03:30:39 PM Hi ':)ucks,
Thanks for clarifying about which board I was posting on. I honestly thought I was posting on the staying or leaving - undecided board but maybe subconsciously or just accidentally I posted on the staying board. I think right now, this may be the best place for me because I still live with and am "with" my partner even though I am struggling with doubts. I am currently outside of the psychiatric inpatient unit waiting for my partner to be discharged. I have an overnight bag in the trunk of my car. I have several safe places to stay if I need to go. And I am trying not to expect the worst but just be mindful and skilled and wait and see how she is. She is literally getting out in a few minutes. I will let you know how things are... . Thank you for the responses and support! BTA145 Title: Re: How to end a romantic relationship with a person with BPD? Post by: babyducks on September 03, 2015, 04:08:10 PM thanks for checking in BTA, It was good to hear from you.
hang in there and pop in when you can. let us know how you are making out. |