BPDFamily.com

I have been with my partner for 8 years now. There has been a lot of love in our relationship. And, after everything, I do very deeply love him. In spite of everything, i know he has loved me. But... .I don't know if I can go on living this way.

I used to be such a happy, lighthearted, optimistic, driven person. (sometimes I still am) But, so often I feel dragged down into a world of strange heartbreak that I can never seem to break free of.

For the first 2-3 years, I had never heard of BPD. Then, I made friends with a psychologist. I talked about my bf for about 3 minutes, when she said "BPD. absolutely." I read all the books I could find about it. I never felt so relieved in all my life. Prior to that, I was positively baffled how my bf could be so sweet, so lovin, so wonderful for weeks, even months at a time... .and then completely snap.

There are the extreme's. Pure rage. Screaming, threats, actual physical fights. He's punched me in the face numerous times during a rage or two (once he punched me consecutively 3 times in the face while I was driving both of us, and I nearly wrecked the car). he swung a golf club at me once, that surely would have caused internal bleeding if it hit in my abdomen where he was aiming - instead of the wall where I dodged him. in self defence, another time, i slammed him to the ground once and broke his wrist. He's threatened to kill me numerous times... .many numerous times.

Ive never told anyone about any of this. I don't tell my friends. I don't write it in my journal. I tell nothing.  I suppose I am, in a way, ashamed of it. In my community, in my world, I present big, strong, muscled woman - an arborist by trade (in a profession filled with mostly men). I don't think anyone would ever imagine my bf (a slight, bookish, intellectual-seeming sort of man) would ever be able to hurt me. But, when rage posses him, it positively terrifies me. I freeze, like a deer under lights, not wanting to hurt him back and often not really believing that he is coming at me with such rage and violence.

The physical violence is not often. The instances have happened maybe 5 times in our 8 year relationship. There has not been a single violent incident in the last 3 years. BUT,  even if it has stopped, that is 5 times too many. i wonder if he could ever snap, if he could ever go too far. It only takes one "too far" to end everything.

But, really... .daily life is often not so bad. I work and have supported us for the entire duration of our relationship. He keeps the house, which is at least something. If it werent for the mood swings, the occasional drug binges, passive agressive behavior, the absurd self-hating narcissism, his eternal obssession with suicide... .really, I am saying... .if it weren't for the BPD, I wouldnt mind a healthy and cooperative relationship where I make the money and he keeps the house world. that's could be fine.

BUT... .with the BPD... .life can hurt for me.  Things can be fine for weeks and weeks. Then, something strange happens. He misinterprets a comment I made about a movie he liked, or sometime equally innocuous. Then, he won't talk to me for days. He lays in bed. He won't eat. He won't drink. He tells me that he is going to commit suicide by dehydration and starvation. Its gotten to the point where ignore and let things pass... .(but, still, i feel like my guts are torn out inside, like there is nothing I can do)

Or things are great. I plan a 2 week trip to visit my elderly parents out of state. Before I leave, he says he is excited to get work done, to finally finish his novel.  Yet... .when I come back... .the house is trashed, he has sold my ipad, my book collection, gone on a crack binge, partied with who the hell knows who... .my house is full of cigarette smoke, with sugar soda cans (that he and i never ever drink)... .

These are the times when I kick him out. Then, he threatens suicide. He leaves, returns, texts me his detailed plans about how he will kill himself. Gory scenes. Specific rocks to jump off of. Where to buy enough heroin to do it right. How the blood will pool. Pure manipulation. Somehow, he is back. And, I let him back because I am so overwhelmed with the the thought that he might kill himself, that I let myself be manipulated. The relief at his being alive outweighs any good sense I should have to not let him treat me that way.

He's always the sweetest and kindest and best when he is trying to win my trust again. Somehow, I find myself compartmentalisng all the bullsh*t behaviour, letting him back again.

He's delusional. He hates himself. Every single day, I tell him that I love him. Every single time, he says, "no you don't. you hate me. you tell me every day that you hate me." The thing is, I never, ever, ever tell him that I hate him - not even when I am furious, never. It is total fabrication. What is happening in his mind that a sincere "i love you" means "i hate you"? I don't understand. It he experienciencing some kind of circular "I hate myself, so if you love me, I hate you too?" Or, what? Does he really truly believe that I tell him that I hate him every day? (i don't f*cking get it!)

He makes grand, grandiose plans. Plans for life, plans for travel, plans for everything, plans for his novel (10 years going), plans for his book tour. But, these things are never completed. They never even start to happen. it is virtually impossible to go to a restaurant with him. We can't even plan that. It's as if nothing in the future can ever be counted on. The only way to plan a dinner date is to say (with 5 minutes to spare), "Hey, let's go out to eat RIGHT NOW". (And I am never sure if we are going to get there for sure until we are seated at the table with beers in front of us) It's like the future doesn't exist. We have planned vacations that never happened, because at the last minute he "didn't want to go." It is like there is only the present, with him... .and the past could be anything.

Sometimes he gets mad because he has no money. I am able to hire him about 1-2 days a month for landscaping, and that is the only job he has every worked in 8 years. Basically, it pays for his snacks and fancy beers til he runs out of money. (Once, I got him an out of town job that paid fairly well. I worked a week longer than he. And, by the time I came back, he was in jail for cocaine possesion  he made all the money he madewas gone) But, when he gets about his lack of money, he says I am "enslaving him", that I have "trapped" him at our house, that I am stealing labor from him by "making" him wash the dishes and clean the house. But... .I have never ever stopped him from working. I would be positively f*cking thrilled if he got a job. He is very welcome to leave, if he wants. Though I love him deeply and would be sad, I know it would be better in the long run for ME... .if I could separate from him. Yet, he gripes because he has no money - as if the world owes it to him, as if *I* owe him. "I have paid the rent for 8 years," I remind him, in a level voice... ."For eight years, you have made me your SLAVE," he screams back, with a fury. I have the car. I pay for the house. I buy the food. I buy the beer. I buy us every single dinner out, ever. "You have made me helpless," he says. "You have broken me down and enslaved me." (such utter delusion! i have given him a free place to live and all the time in the world and he blames ME for his inability to take advantage of it?

UGH.

I write only of the bad here.

But, there is so much good too. We laugh together. We can talk for hours. He is really, very smart on many topics.  Sometimes we have weeks and months of mostly joy and amazing times. Sometimes, we compliment each other so well and thrive on each other. He has such potential. If he ever got that damn book published, it would be brilliant. But, he is a tragic, emotionally crippled, self-hating (I think he likes to fail in a way, because he hates himself so much that he thinks he deserves it)

We have made plans for the future that seems so possible, like life with him COULD be so amazing. But he always seems to sabotage at the EXACT moment when things are going well. (once i discovered i was pregnant and was excited, feeling maybe ready to raise a child - maybe with him. and he came with a few weeks of awful emotional torture, also physical. this was the last time there was any physical fighting. i had an abortion and never told him. i broke up with him. but, of course, we reunited following an epic suicide threat)

BUT, I really need to live my f*cking life. I dont know if I can live beholden to the anticipation of his next breakdown. (what will it be next time? will he jump out of the car when I am driving at 30mph again? will he go on a rage and smash up my art and painting workshop when I am gone? will he steal my car and go on a crack binge if he earns too much money on his ONE day of work per month?)

I love him deeply, truly, profoundly. The good can seem so good. But, the bad is awful - harrowing, heart-wrenching. I did not know such emotional pain existed until I met him.

Intellectually, I know I should leave him. If I want raise children, I should not be with him... .If I want to travel... .If I want to return to my former profession as a travelling free lance writer... .

But, I just wish he could heal. I wish it could work with him. (he is resistant to therapy and even reading about BPD) I just don't know if it can... .and I am torn between what could be and... .not wanting to regret my life. i don't want to spend all my years waiting for him to get better... .(but i dont know how to leave him. and, in my core, i don't want to. It feels like a trap - my sad, self-inflicted trap. (if only my intellect was more powerful than my emotions. it's not - at least, not now, not yet... .and i wonder how i can make it be? how can i get there? how can i make myself leave him when I love him and don't want to? I know would be better for me... .)

May I have the permission to be angry FOR you?

I don't care if your partner is the Buddha or Christ himself, that amount of violence and anger is inexcusable - BPD or not. I can tell from your writing and from your career that you are a caring person who values and cherishes life. Perhaps you even put others above your needs? Why can't you put yourself to those same standards?

You said it yourself that you miss the person you used to be. Yes, I can see that 8 years is a long time to be with someone, but trust me when I say that it is NEVER to late to start again. It's never too late to start loving yourself once more.

And the relationship I read here is not that of a normal romantic one, but one of a caretaker and a child. Think back on your past romantic relationships, surely you know the love you seek and deserve is supposed to be beautiful. And that love shold be a 2 way street! Sure with a pwBPD you can feel good and have genuinely lovely moments, but it's easy to confuse intensity with that of intimacy.

I was certainly addicted to the drama of it all.

Do you have a safe place to go to?

Resources for you for domestic violence. Just take a quick look, everything you described will be repeated there. You can call or even chat with the experts on there 24/7;

www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

You cannot solve the problem with the same mind that creates it.

You cannot solve your r/s problems until you decide to change your thinking and paradigm. He is who he is , mentally ill, BPD or whatever. With you or not with you, he will always use the suicide to make people feel guilty and succumb to his desires.

first of all, you have to decide whether all the abuses, physically and mentally, you have suffered will make your life a happy one to live. (because those attacks will not diminish with times).

secondly, he probably has isolated you from many of your support web. You have got to gained them back. They will help you see things more clearly, and not be fearful of his self harm threats.

Thirdly, to me any one who use self harm as a way to control others is a LOSER. so the question to you is , DO YOU WANT TO HANG AROUND LOSERS OR WINNERS?

Your happiness is your to make, and not his to give. So far your happiness is his to give and that is why you are so dependent on him, despite the abuses. Per your notes, you know that, but you cannot make the right decision.

It is up to you

Hi pseudosuga,

(I have a son studying horticulture... .I like your name  )

I want to welcome you to the BPD Family.    I know what you mean about the relief of finally having a name for "it".  I think all of us here probably had that same feeling when we first discovered BPD.

I'm glad you posted the truth of your relationship that is a step in a good direction.  |iiii

What you describe is abuse.  There is no other name for it and there are no excuses for it.  If he is angry, mentally ill, you did something he didn't like whatever the" reason" he is responsible for his actions and I will say again there is no excuse for his actions.  You deserve much more than a sometimes he beats you and sometimes he's nice to you boyfriend. 

Along with the link rotiroti gave you I'm going to suggest another one that will take you to an article about co-dependency, I know codependency well I was married to an alcohol for 20 years. https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I want to encourage you to keep posting and sharing. I know this is a tough topic but you'd be surprised by how many of us could tell you a similar tale.

I had a boyfriend in High School that I now believe was BPD, he was controlling, when I threatened to break up he tried to slit his wrists in front of me, he lied constantly, and one day he slapped me (He was the center on the JV football team - not a small guy).  He was the damaged boy with the "good heart" that I would love enough to heal    I was clueless. I eventually became unhappy enough to leave him.

I also want to encourage you to look to yourself too.  Since posting here about my past relationships I have noticed that I had some patterns in my relationships that I repeated over and over.  I've had relationships with "the damaged boy with the good heart" again and again.  Fear, low self worth, and codependency that was me.  What about you?  Why do you think you stay?  Why don't you love yourself more than this abusive boyfriend?  Therapy might be a good idea to work through some of this too but we are here to listen and support any time 

Take Care,

Panda39

Thanks everyone... .I really appreciate your words.

As for a support web, I do have a web of friends  - and some very close ones (some whom ive known for 15+ years). They all dislike him very much. Pretty much every single close friend I have has told me that I should get out of the relationship. I don't really confide in them about details (except my one friend who lives very far away, who is a psychologist), since I don't want my friends to have to deal with my big problem of a relationship. Also, I haven't wanted them to actively hate him, which would happen if I told them about his irrational behaviors. But, they see how it affects me anyway, and all of them dislike him.

I don't know what it is inside me that makes it so I don't leave. I know I need to. I know I want to. Honestly, at the root of it all, I am concerned that he will kill himself. (I know that's not my responsibility or my fault if he were to kill himself, but I don't know that it would haunt and pain me FOREVER if he did.)

I think it is things like the one that is happening right this very moment.

Last night, I came home  with his favorite foods and beverages, for us to have a movie night. When I left in the morning, everything seemed fine. He was cheerful, engaged in a project, and fine. When I came home... .I found him lying in the attic room with his eyes closed, refusing to speak with me except for the occasional snarky/mean comment. So, I went to our room and enjoyed the food and movie that we were planning to watch, by myself - figuring that I would enjoy my quiet night off, if he wouldn't. This morning, he walked past me in the hall with a swollen face, blood pouring from a cut on his forehead, and blood on his shirt that appeared to be coming from a wound on his stomach.

"Oh no! What happened?" I said, with much concern.

"Shut up," he said, in a monotone quiet voice.

Later, he emerged from the bathroom, cleaned of blood. He asked me to drive him out to the forest, miles away from town, so far that he can't walk back, and leave him there to die. He then proceeded to tell me that I had spent the last week telling him how worthless he is, how he deserves nothing, how he's "too weak to deserve to live,"  that I have been telling him over and over that he is worthless and should die. (All these things are blatantly untrue. I have told him none of these things! I have never told him that he should die, even in the deepest fury Ive ever had. I know well enough to not tell a suicidal person to die!) He told me that he beat himself up, last night and this morning, with a beer bottle from the recycling - that he wanted to kill himself but he was too big a coward to do it.

I cannot deal with this. I don't know how to help him.

I don't particularly want to be with him, but I absolutely don't want him to die. He has pushed all his friends away. I can't think of a single person in town who he can stay with who is not me. He pushed his 20 year old daughter away (she can't deal with hearing his suicidal thoughts all the time), but he blames me for her absence.

He isn't willing to get mental help or talk to a hotline, or anything. I am not willing to call the police to get him help. (He is a person of color - we both are - and being violently assaulted by the police is NOT something that would be helpful. The police have killed suicidal white people in my town multiple times in the past.)

What can I do to de-escalate a suicidal situation? Beyond the scope of my relationship (which, really, I don't want anymore. I am working on a solution that involves him going to live with an old friend of his who lives in a different town... .but that is something to address at another time, like when he is thinking/acting rationally, which is not now.)... .I really do love him and don't know how to encourage him to not do himself harm.

Does anyone have ideas or experiences working with BPD suicidal people? I feel so alone in this... .what to do, how to act, how to help him get out of rock bottom crisis mode... .

(probably, though... .I will do what i have often done when he is threatening suicide... .which is cancel my work - thereby losing money - and staying nearby to keep an eye on him from a distance, until he snaps out of it... .i feel almost numb when it happens, like i have stepped out of my emotional body and am just trying to determine the most logical and effective ways to encourage him to not kill himself.)

(And, yes, I do want to leave... .but that is an issue for a less urgent time... .like, after i sort out a safe place to live for him, which i am working on... .)

Suicidal threats... .self harm... .

You are not responsible for your boyfriend's choices.  That being said I know you care about him so what can you do?  You can set a boundary, you can tell him that you are worried about his safety when he makes these threats or does these things and from now on when it happens you will call the police.  Then do it.  Then keep on doing it if the behavior continues. Public Safety is the job of the Police they are professionals, take yourself out of these situations and let the professionals do their work.

No one is a mind reader when it comes to these threats we can't know if they are serious or not... .this might be FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt - Emotional Blackmail) or it might be a serious depression.

Either way calling the police is a good choice, if it's FOG your boundary will teach him that this behavior won't get him what he wants (control of you) and if it's a serious threat the professionals will keep him safe and get him help.

Hope this helps,

Panda39

psuedosuga,

First, maybe you can take a look at our suicide protocol (scroll down to Helping someone with suicidal thoughts):

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

Given his extremely dissociative behaviors, though, my primary concern is for your safety. Do you have a plan ready in case you need to flee?

Turkish

Hey pseudotsuga, It got to the point in my r/s with my BPDxW that I kept an overnight bag in the trunk of my car, just in case I needed to leave and go to a motel for the night, which happened numerous times.  Like my situation, yours is a no-brainer.  You're in the toxic soup, I'm afraid.  It doesn't get any easier, believe me.

LuckyJim