BPDFamily.com

September 8th marks 5 months NC. Not a peep, beyond third party and weird/random anonymous contact which I can't prove. I guess he really meant it wanting me out of his life. He isn't blocked anywhere but I have respected his wishes and kept silent. I was hoping for a friendship or at least closure but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I wish I could reach out but something stops me, it's almost like I know there's no point deep down. I feel isolated and lonely and people don't want to hear it understandably so I keep to myself. I have become avoidant and phobic of people which scares me. I know I sound like a broken record (sorry) but please remind me making contact will make things worse. If they want contact they will find you right?

  I'm so sorry you're hurting, Beach_Babe.

I understand completely. I didn't block my ex, either, but didn't contact him because I was respecting his wishes. And although he did contact me a few times in the months after our breakup, he never wanted me back in his life, and he never gave me any real sense of closure. There were so many days when all I wanted was to hear from him, to talk to him. I wanted so badly to feel like I mattered to him. I felt so lonely and I withdrew, not wanting to have anything to do with most people.

I promise you that it gets better.

I also know that that doesn't make it better right now.   It hurts and it sucks. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and try to find at least one or two people in your life whom you can talk to - not necessarily about your r/s, but just in general. It helps ease the feelings of loneliness.

You say that you wish you could reach out. What would you want to say to him? What questions would you ask? It might help to write a letter - post it here, or keep it to yourself, or destroy it, whatever. But just getting those thoughts and feelings out can help a lot.

I know it hurts to not hear from him at all. Remember that this is not a reflection on you as a person. You're a great person, and your ex's behavior has no bearing on your awesomeness as a human being. 

Hey Beach_Babe,

Really good to see you again!   

I still hold to heart all of the good advice and kind words you shared with me when I joined the forum 3 months ago! Why couldn't you hold yourself to the same kindness and advice you shared with the many members here? You promised me that it would get better (and it has), you reminded me that life goes on (And it has), and you helped me point out many cruel things my ex-fiancee did (And they were true).

I know you have a lot on your plate with the family fiasco and this, but don't forget that you are an awesome person who gave me and other posters so much hope!

WHat was the third party contact about? Related to him?

Happy: What did your ex contact you about ? I don't know what I'd even say that's why I don't reach out. Telling him I miss him Is a huge gamble if he has something better. Telling him he hurt me? Nope he won't care, I hurt him worse. Telling him what's going on with my beloved aunt?  He'd get jealous and say (as he has before) "oh I bet you can't wait for her to drop dead.  Wow I wish I was that lucky to have so much money"  Then he'd whine about his poverty (yeah right his parents are millionaires) and his poor sick mommy. He's the only one that endures hardship. Let's see if I drop the past and just say "hey how are you"  I'd get silence or maybe even his famous "you don't care." Maybe he'd call and scream obsenities or threaten the police again for "stalking" him. Maybe  he'd even cry to the exmutual friend again who would then get involved. What could I possibly say that wouldn't trigger him? I already apologized 50,000 times before the discard I don't think I can stomach groveling again. What was your experience?

Neveragainthanks: thank you for that. I think I know  that closure will never come from him. I don't think I need his blessing anymore, but from time to time still do miss his friendship. He made me laugh. I think the "never look back" thing stings more than the actual person though.

Shatra: third party contact was two of his friends who contacted me near my birthday to stir up trouble. The one sent Me friend request, and said he wanted to be my friend independent of ex. Then he blocked me after a 3 hour phone conversation (in which I admitted I missed ex). The other is a psychopath, who acted as a go between and instigator during the devalue/discard phase and still drops in occasionally to torture me. Doing thing like asking about My ex, reminding me he still hates me or sending photos of a car accident scene (I was involved in a fender bender of a rental car I was driving when ex and I vacationed in Miami 8 years ago) . He is angry I blocked him as well. I believe he might be behind text messages I receive from random numbers where the person won't identify themselves but tries to have a conversation with me. Same weird Skype requests also. Sometimes the psycho friend calls from his own number and hangs up. It's really f*** the guy seems obsessed with me I'm not sure my ex even knows. The thousands of Google + and YouTube page views may just be some technicality or maybe my page got linked to something. Who knows? How are you?

You know it's ok to miss our exes. All of those lovely moments and feelings? Those are for us to keep forever and NO one can take those away from us.

It's something that I mentioned with my T, that sometimes I hope the phone rings and it would be 'her'

My T asked me what I would say in that case... .I was frozen and just muttered, "I don't know." Sure enough we looked at each other and just started cracking up! It's so silly what love can do. It already doesn't make much sense and to have had to experience with a pwBPD makes it that much worse.

"Never looking back" does sting, but I think the excitement of a new lease on life far outweighs that feeling. Or that is truly how I feel as time passes on!

I'm feeling unusually tempted to break NC today too.  That usually isn't too hard for me.  I know how to message him despite the blocks.  I also think I am going to try to return his Very Valuable Item in the next couple months if I don't hear from him -- I've enlisted the help of a mutual friend. 

If I could say one thing to my ex, I would tell him that I still think he's a good person.  That's what he would ask me when he was upset, if I still thought he was a good person.

What are you hoping to hear? Do you think he's capable of saying it?

What are you wanting to say? Do you think he's capable of hearing it?

Would you really want to be in contact again? Would it free or set you back?

Neveragainthanks: I have no idea what I'd say either. If I have to spend hours even pondering the "right" thing to say, I wonder is it worth it? What exactly do I hope to gain?  I don't even know.


That's interesting. My ex never asked he TOLD me always how good and benevolent he was. Maybe I'm the crazy one,  lol, but that's the question I'd wonder of him. "I know things didn't work out xxx,  but after 14 years are there any good memories? Did I matter at all?" I don't want to believe he meant what he did/said at the end. I am not perfect I said/did a lot of things I regret too. But that's the difference I regret them, I KNOW and take responsibility I did wrong. No matter what I will never deny the huge impact he had on my life. I don't believe he feels the same, and that's heartbreaking.

Greeneyedmonster: I want to hear he did not mean what he did/said and that I mattered. That even if things didn't work out he'd like to be my friend (or If not that at least he holds happy memories). An "Im sorry too beach babe." Something SINCERE, and no I don't think I could get that from him.

My ex really didn't say cruel things to me.  We broke up during the idealization phase over a really minor issue.  The only cruel thing he ever said was when he called me emotionally abusive when he left the relationship.

I have to say, I recontacted mine and I regret it. Things only got worse for my feelings. I went a month n/c and then called. We are back to no contact and he is even closer to the new gf. He told me he wanted to come home when he was drunk, but then the next day acted as if he didn't mean it- Twice! He only calls when he needs something- like I am his mother. I also don't want to be the one he fights with, since we are separated that gives him an excuse. He can rage on her. We can divorce in 4 months Time really goes quickly. I care about him, but I cannot live with a lying , cheating, alcoholic. I feel sorry for him. I believe when this young girl discovers who he really is, she may not stay as long as I did. I just wanted to get him help, but being enabling was really all I accomplished. The whole thing is very sad and I am left to work on myself. I am very hyper sensitive to people now. I immediately sense if they have issues I don't want to deal with. I am glad for that, but hope to meet someone who can give me the adult r/s I really desire. I would work on yourself if I were you and try to detach. Sorry, but things only get worse in these cases with out them getting years of help.

Oh, just to check up at first. For the first 9-10 months, he would contact me about once every 6-8 weeks, to ask how I was doing and such. They were mostly neutral exchanges - it killed me at times to be so neutral, but I wasn't going to 'go there' if he wasn't. He was always kind and respectful (in his way) in his emails and conversation, but it still would throw me for an emotional loop when I'd hear from him. And he certainly didn't try to explain himself or provide closure or anything like that. Later, he started sending me yearning emails, about how he loved and missed me and that I would always be his 'soulmate,' but neither of us actually expressed an interest in recycling. Then I found out he was engaged, and I respectfully bowed out of the situation, and we haven't been in contact since.


It sounds like you've thought out a lot of possible scenarios, and none of them sound good for you. I think it may be that your intuition is keeping you from contacting him because you know it will hurt you. You definitely don't deserve to be hurt.

I think it's a positive sign that you say 'I don't think I can stomach groveling again'. I groveled for my exbf before/during the breakup, too. It was an indication of how low my self-esteem and self-worth had dropped during the relationship - well, it had always been low, but the r/s stripped me of the protective 'shell' I'd built up to compensate for it, and left me wallowing in my vulnerability.

In realizing that you don't want to grovel again, you are reclaiming a little bit of your self-esteem.

In not contacting him because you know it will hurt you, and because you know you deserve better than that, you are rebuilding your sense of self-worth.

You are strong - you can do this. 

yeah same here.  . I'm so sorry what you are going through. My ex has no shame either ;I figure that's why I haven't heard from him. Have you thought about what you will do if yours breaks NC again?


Happy: can any exchange with a BPD truly be "neutral" ? Could he simply have been fishing and you didn't take the bait?


I came across some pictures of my ex in my old computer. They were of him during his last visit . I KNOW he will not respond badly if I send them (maybe not at all, but not badly) because he loves himself so much. WHat better icebreaker for a narcissist. its perfect, but still something stops me. Dunno why this is the opportunity I've been waiting for.

It would be one hell of an awkward exchange. I mean... .what do you say after 5 months especially since you were the one who got dumped? The only way I can see this work if there was ZERO emotional involvement on your end. 2-3 years ago I messaged my ex out of sheer boredom after months and months of not talking. I had ZERO interest in her anymore. Didn't even think she would reply. Funny enough, not only she replied, she wanted to meet up and once we met up, she told me she thought about me all the time and wanted to see if I would consider getting back together. I politely declined not because I wanted to get back at her but because I had no feelings left towards her.

For a normal person yes, it would be very awkward. My ex, however, is a narcissist and this is exactly the kind of thing he would respond to. He positively loves himself. We are talking about someone who has over 14000 Facebook selfies (and four of his kid).   He truly has no shame.

I'm  curious how long had you been NC when you reached out?

He was probably fishing for my attention, rather than for a recycle or friendship. He knew I'd always validate and provide some good ego strokes. He knew that I'd never pick a fight with him. What did he have to lose by contacting me every once in a while?

If he was subtly fishing for a recycle, then he should have known better - I've never done well with subtleties.  lol


I think that what might be stopping you is your sense of self-preservation. You know what's best for you, deep down.

Sweetie, believe me, I empathize.   Some of what you've posted of your exbf reminds me of my own exbf - at his absolute worst. (He was usually good to me, in his way, but when it was bad, it was bad, especially the emotional cruelty.)

He had a very sadistic side, and his low self-esteem manifested as bullying and controlling. I had a very masochistic side, and my low self-esteem manifested as utter subservience and feelings of worthlessness without him to define me. We were perfectly dysfunctionally compatible, and therefore capable of doing unbelievable damage to each other.

I thought that he had an incredible amount of power over me. I was shattered when I lost him. I wanted to reach out to him so often - he was my 'safe place,' and I felt like I needed him. I was crushed that he could just discard me so coldly - especially since he knew me better than anyone else. I felt unlovable, worthless, degraded, stripped bare, without purpose or meaning.

But eventually I realized that he only had the power I gave him over me. And that I had to learn to love myself before I could truly feel lovable. And that I was worth loving. That, in fact, a big part of my purpose on this earth is to love myself. It's not easy to build or rebuild self-esteem, but it is the most worthwhile thing you can do for yourself. Because you are lovable, worthwhile, and important.

That all being said - I won't encourage or discourage you to contact him. That is, after all, your choice. I just think it's important to look at your motivations and expectations. If you're expecting closure, I can just about promise you won't get it from him. What ways might you be able to find some closure for yourself?

It was about 7 months or so. It was a normal relationship though. A normal breakup, a closure. She did hurt me in the end, but a closure at the end really does help to get over it. The problem is that once I get over somebody, I'm done. I don't do the whole yo-yo thing.

I just feel so isolated and lonely, especially now with this whole family thing.  I don't start my new job for 2 weeks, if I wanted to pick up the phone right now I literally have no one.  not even to call for a casual,non BPD conversation. 

This sounds like my whole relationship   



Yeah, that about sums it all up. I am sorry you had to endure this also. How are you doing now?   


I really want to know I was important to him at some point, and mattered. That I am not forevermore Satan and he departed at least with a few good memories. ha. fat chance, right?  I know this, and think eventually I will get closure.  Learning more about cluster b disorders  here has been a godsend .  What helped you? 

Invictus:  What if there had been no closure though?  Would you have been stuck? 

IN BOLD: YES Beach Babe, if they want contact they will find you: this is the essence of BPD, it is whatever THEY want.  They are a selfish self-centered bunch and you are there to mask their emptiness. So once they feel like they need a fix or a boost, or they need something at all, they will come around. That is why these relationships are so hard because they charm you back in. It DOES get better, time and distance brings clarity and you will soon experience a freedom like you have never experienced even prior to your BPDex. Blocking is one way of moving forward but nowadays even if you block they can still make contact so the best is to block them in your mind and move forward. Chalk this up to experience and life.

I felt so much like what you posted 5 months out. At 5 months I expected to meet a new partner romantically or sexually, to be able to socialize and to see the r/s for what it was.

Unfortunately its like coming out of a dark tunnel after having been in it for years where your retinas have atrophied and you have to wear sunglasses (withdraw from everything) until you can let little bits of light back in so you can then begin the process of untying all the knots in your emotional self and start laying them parallel to the lines of logic, rationality and most importantly hope for your life and for your future.

I still struggle sometimes with the distrusting attitude I adopted from my ex. Disowning all the BPD facets of my parent growing up in an effort not to be anything like her made it to where I didn't own my shadowy traits, so sometimes it takes a trainwreck like a BPD relationship to set that sort of thing straight.

Trust the process. Give yourself time. You're loved.

Beach Babe,

   I know how you feel... .but do you REALLY want a friendship with someone who cut you out of their life?

Being rejected and abandoned SUCKS. No one wants to be rejected but think about WHO rejected us.

What value did he bring to your life, Beach Babe?

1) Could you trust him?

2) Was he there when you needed him most?

3) Was your love reciprocated?

4) When you think of the "love of your life" was this person TRULY worthy of this moniker?

5) Could you full-heartedly rely on this person?

I know many people who stayed friends with my ex... .people she has dated. Are they really friends?

No.

She uses them as leverage to make the new person she is seeing jealous. On the flip side she runs to the exes for:

1) Immediate comfort and to slander the "bad, awful, horrible" new person she is dating (once she yanks them off the pedestal).

2) Brag to the old ex about how this new person is the "Love of Her Life" and has all these wonderful qualities (leaving the old ex resentful and hurt).

3) Checks in to see if they are available so she can chase them back into a relationship only to dump them again as soon as she secures them in her claws.

To me, none of this is indicative of real friendship nor love. This is someone who is extremely selfish and doing things to get their needs met and that's about it.

You were a NEED, not a PERSON.

Beach Babe, again... .I know it SUCKS and I know you miss the "good times" but didn't the crapfest outweigh the good? Don't you deserve more than that? I think you do and I am pretty sure my fellow posters on here think you do too.

Stay strong. Life is HARD and being thrown into a BPD relationship is an amazing challenge. If we can survive this, we can survive ANYTHING.

Hang in there, Sister! 

PW

You've got a huge heart HappyNihilist, you know that?

I am left with all of the lingering feelings and thoughts of not having closure. The end of the r/s was the right decision for me, but how do you let go of that sense of betrayal? That self-doubt when you realize your role in the r/s?

Feels like a tough day out of nowhere!

I'm doing great now. :) It truly does get so much better.

I'll probably always love him and miss having him in my life, but I realize now that I don't need him or anyone else to give me meaning, purpose, worth, and happiness.


You were important to him - he made sure you were in his life for years.

Learning about BPD helped me a lot, too, and so did these forums. Therapy and journaling were also godsends. Finding the right medication for my bipolar disorder was also a big help. But the single biggest thing that helped me was turning that attention and energy that I'd been focusing on him towards me instead. I really dug into myself and started addressing core wounds and the sources of my low self-esteem. I learned to love myself - and in doing so realized that I didn't need anyone else to give me a sense of worth.


Aw, thank you, rotiroti. That's kind of you to say. :)


I'm sorry you're having a rough patch with the lingering thoughts.   I definitely understand.

It's natural to feel a sense of betrayal. It hurts to not get that closure from a loved one. But the truth is that it's very difficult for our exes to provide that. After all, if pwBPD could consistently handle emotionally overwhelming situations in rational and compassionate ways, then they wouldn't have BPD.

And, in the end, the real closure comes from within. It comes with acceptance and detachment. And it takes a while. It's perfectly normal to have those bad days.

The self-doubt is rough, too. I definitely have struggled with that. But that also gets better, the deeper you delve into your role and your ex's role in the relationship. With understanding comes acceptance.

I'm at a place where I feel like I understand the dynamic between my exbf and me, and why we were so perfectly horrible for each other. He came from a very violent and abusive home. He'd spent his entire adult life teaching himself how to not be like that, locking up those demons and learning how to avoid situations that released them. His most stable relationships were with women who didn't trigger his obsessive, controlling aspects. And then comes me - a willing participant in his darkest dysfunctions. Because of my own wounds and issues, I was a self-sacrificing, masochistic pleaser with major 'control-me' syndrome and a soul-deep desire to be annihilated.

I see that I was unhealthy for him, and he was unhealthy for me. I don't see this as his fault or my fault - it just was what it was. We couldn't help who we were. We both learned a lot about ourselves from this relationship. We both are trying to do better.

Even though I realize the futility of wishing one could change the past, I do wish it could have been different. I wish I could have done things differently. But honestly, that would have meant being a different person than who I was.

So instead of spending time regretting what I couldn't change, I decided to focus on what I could change. Like my self-esteem. :)

^ This.

There are many levels - you're a wonderfully complex person, and it takes a while.


Turn your love and compassion towards yourself, Beach_Babe. You deserve it, and you are worth it.

Stay strong Beach babe. You really do give such good advice to all of us on this forum. As for wanting to make contact but not knowing what to say, I have an idea about that. My own analogy. I might want a tattoo but I don't know what I would choose and I am too afraid to get one anyway. Why? The pain and because I might regret it later.

Kinda strange but it makes sense to me.

I am personally not there yet, having just entered the beginning stages of what should be a final breakup. I am sure I will get to where you and so many others are... .wishing, wanting, pining and stopping yourself from making contact.

BeachBabe: You know my advice on this one, stay strong and ignore that nagging voice which tells you that you need anything from him, even for him to tell you that you mattered to him. You matter to you, and you have seemed like a person who is worth better than this or him. Do not confuse being lonely and needing a little pick me up with falling back into the abuse of a narcissist.

hopealways:  I have no idea what he does or does not think anymore, because it keeps changing. All I know is I don't want to wake up with nightmares anymore. 

disorderedsociety:  thank you so much for those kind words. how are you today?


For 13 of those 14 years, yes

rotiroti: im sorry to hear you had a roughday *hugs* how is today going for you?

happy: hey congrats on making advisor! I know you will be awesome

michel71: that's a good analogy. Thank you for all your kind advice. Where are you and your wife and the divorce process?

HeldFast:  that's a good way of thinking about it maybe I am confusing being lonely with wanting him who knows? How have you been?

Great! Just spreading the love yaknow.

I've really been thinking about moving to another state to experience something new... I think that time is coming up. In the next 6 months I won't have to worry about contact attempts and can leave the past where it belongs.

Why won't you have to worry about contact attempts?

Well, more specifically I won't need to worry about being tempted to get back with her if that ever arises, out of fear of being alone.

Nor will she know where I live, and I don't like living so close to both of them. She and the "replacement."