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In my last "marriage therapy" (with a BPD expert), the therepist said to my uBPDw that it seemed that she was wanting me to "soothe her emotions". uBPDw of course said "no". But what is meant by this? How is soothing her emotions different to "supporting her" or "being empathetic"?

In reading internet articles, self soothing seems to be what we teach children to manage their emotions. Teaching them to breath, how to calm down, how to accept the emotion as a message then to put things back in perspective. It makes sense that someone with BPD doesn't have these skills.

So was the therepist trying to make a point to my wife? Trying to make her see her behaviour? Or making a point to me?

If my wife has BPD, then I would expect to be helping her soothe. Thoughts?

I am a bit confused by some of what our MC was doing.  He actually wanted us to soothe one another.  I'm curious what others will say to this thread.

<sub>When BF came emotionally undone and was spewing awful things at me, I tuned out and disengaged until I felt he could communicate in a more civil, emotionally appropriate manner.  Ya know, one that is respectful of me, and himself. 

Whereas MC would model soothing him for me to see.  He'd encourage me to "stick with it" in times BF was spewing awfulness.

I began with an empathetic response and if Bf did not "receive" it, I may try again or so, but when the irrational talk came, I still checked out.

I can see being empathetic a bit, but being responsible to soothe anothers emotional irrational state that is anger directed at me just felt abusive to me and me allowing another to abuse me.</sub>



Maybe your MC is saying that she is holding you responsible not just to say an empathetic sentence or two, but to ensure she returns to a state of calmness?

This is tricky because you can say something empathetic, validating etc, however, the person who is hypersensitive, can still have difficulty hearing and processing and calming.  Often they themselves are unaware of what they are upset about, therefore, the conversation may not even be addressing the "upsetness."  So even empathetic, validating words will not meet the need.  Or their experience is greater so the words may fall short of the help the person feels they need.