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Well I went for 11 days without any contact.

I was fine with that and was starting to get some distance and some rejuvenation in my own feelings.

So, yesterday she texted me with some words that I had sent her when things were good with us. She put the caption under it of ":)id you mean any of this?" I did not respond at first. Some hours later I received another text from her saying "that she hoped I was not ignoring her or blocking her and that I was just busy doing things".

So off the back of that second text I responded and said that I had seen the text and at the time I sent it to her I certainly meant it.

Then the torrent of abuse started.

I was a liar, I was dishonest, she could never trust me again, I was the one that betrayed her and not her to me. When I tried to cut off the angst by saying that I would not respond to her, then I was called a gutless coward.

So the bile, hate, rage and anger was flowing out of her last night while all this was happening. When I didn't respond to one of her texts she would come back at me and rage even harder. There was no reasoning with her at all that some of what had happened between us was caused by her. This is obviously an abhorrent thought to her.

I guess this was so predictable.

So today at work, the emails came raging at me again, blaming me as the person that destroyed the relationship. That she hated me and that I was the cause of all her grief. I simply said that I was sorry that she felt that way and that I was sorry that I had caused her the pain that she is feeling.

That was not enough. The rage today has continued. I know it will abate in a few days and she will want to speak to me again. The most peculiar aspect of all of these exchanges is that she starts the conversation by challenging me to work to try and fix things between us. So, when I suggest that it has to be mutually constructive conversation, all hell breaks loose from her and she apportions all blame to me for everything that has happened.

I am still waiting for her to give me some personal things that are mine. When that is done I will block her as this abuse is her just lashing out and blaming me for everything that is wrong in her world.

The posts I have put up previously outline what has happened, but this dysregulation is extreme. I just need to get my things back and I can block her.

Is this behaviour normal from a BPD? Is this the splitting and push/pull in action? At what point does that hatred turn to some level of constructive conversation? This woman has already cost me enough financially and emotionally and I just want her out of my life for my own sanity. To that extent I am now aware of what needs to happen.

Maybe this has been triggered because the guy she went back to has not lived up to her expectations so she has come back to vent her hatred at me.

What a miserable existance.

Yes these rage attacks are pretty standard, in my experience they are usually projection. She IS hurting over the relationship and she knows it's really her fault but she's incapiable of accepting that so she blames you and projects her self hatred onto you. When they rage it's usually projection.

In terms of ending the rage i've found 2 approaches usually work.

1.) Ignore them, if you do this they will eventually calm down and usually come back sheepish

2.) Say something like "I understand you are upset and I want to help but I can't if you are taking things outon me, when you are ready to talk civilly you know where I am". Usually they will rage but then you ignore until they calm down.

I prefer option 2, option 1 is a bit sadistic considering the abandonment issues. but if you cant handle contact its your only option

I'm sorry that you had to go through the hateful wringer again. As Infern0 says, the rage attacks are standard.



Do you see why not engaging is useful? It sounds like you are aware that responding in any way to a deregulation will only lead to further outbursts. Your response made her more angry and it also made you take some responsibility for those accusations. It also reinforces the behavior - that testing the boundaries and raging is a way to get a response from you.


Are those personal items irreplaceable?

"Then the torrent of abuse started.

I was a liar, I was dishonest, she could never trust me again, I was the one that betrayed her and not her to me. When I tried to cut off the angst by saying that I would not respond to her, then I was called a gutless coward."

I know how you feel, those abusive emails and messages will never end while you keep interacting with her. I wouldn't even consider bothering about your personal items. Having her in your life each day is costing you far more than just material possessions. ive struggled to get any proper work done while my ex was messaging me or calling me, demanding and hating, causing more pain and suffering.

The abuse she is projecting on you is predictable and common. Even with what mistakes you have made, you do not deserve to be spoken to and treated in this manner. You are worth much more than this. You have value and deserve people in your life that love you and treat you properly.

*** An example from my ex: ***

You are the most UNREASONABLE, ILLOGICAL AND SELFISH person ever!

I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS. YOU ONLY THINK OF YOURSELF AND YOU DONT GIVE A ABOUT ME! YOU GOT ME HARASSED ONCR AND DOING IT AGAIN EVEN NOW THAT IM SICK!

I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU TOOK EVERYTHIBG AWAY FROM ME! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU U HATE YOU!

***

I had the knowledge to end things much sooner, maybe two years ago, but let things drag on and on. I was scared of losing her, even though she wasn't being caring, loving or supportive (so what was I actually losing), and my career suffered as a result.

Hi nextinline,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. Some and not all pwBPD will act out with intense anger and borderline rage directed at the ex. I can relate.


Do you have kids together?

Is she refusing to give you your things back?