BPDFamily.com

Hello everybody    

Writing this is pretty hard for me honestly. I'm actually getting a bit nervous right now as i'm typing this. i haven't posted on any forum/social media in awhile. & I've never reached out on a forum website about this.

I'm just going to start writing i guess.

I'm a 17 year old girl who has been living in quite a small world for a little while now. When i was 15, i dropped out of school. I couldn't handle it, i was dealing with an eating disorder, anxiety and was extremely depressed.

It has been a long, long confusing two years of my life. I lost all the friends i used to have while i was in school, and i stopped going out.

During this time of isolation, i've also been spending my everyday's around my mother.

Physically close, but we couldn't be more emotionally disconnected.

my mom and i formed (from what i've learned recently from research) an enmeshed relationship.

She doesn't have any real friends in her life, and i'm basically all she's got. her and my dad don't get along, and i would consider my brother to be sort of the "lost child" (which HONESTLY i'm envious of thinking about it now, the independence he has)

also almost a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer, and i was the only one that was there for her through all of that (her mother was there only for a brief time before they ended up fighting and now they aren't talking) It was a non aggressive form of cancer, and she is now cancer free.

From my higher view point now, i realize how during this time, i've lost myself, and how alone i've always been.

Everyday i would sit and just listen to my mom. Her opinions, her past stories, her bashing my dad, etc. If i basically don't act, say, or just do what she wants me to do, she'll get mad. it's always been like a cycle. when she gets mad at me, she'll start bashing me and shaming me and will say things like "You don't do anything with your life! you dropped out of school and you don't have friends" "you're not going to get better"  she'll also compare me to my brother and how he got through all of highschool, etc.

There will also be moments when she'll take my stuff away, this hasn't happened in awhile though.

at the beginning of when these cycles of fights would happen, they'd really effect me. i would run to my room crying. I would sit in my room all night long, just crying.  & at the beginning i used to stand up for myself, but obviously that did me no good. i would spend all night crying, and then there would be silent treatment until i apologized.

as time went on and the cycles continued, i slowly started to learn that sticking up for myself was doing no good, so i wouldn't stick up for myself as much. there were times when she would apologize to me, but i was pretty much forced to accept her apology. i would have to smile and accept, if i try to tell her my feelings about anything, or if i don't accept the apology the way she always expects me to, she'll get mad again.

when we're 'good terms' then she says things like "oh it's okay that you dropped out off school, things won't be like this forever!" "don't worry, you'll eventually find new friends" "we all go through things in life!" "you'll get better."  

i've had no access to a counsellor, and the few times my mom took me to counselling, something happened with our insurance and there were never any efforts to put me back into counselling. everytime i'd ask my mom about it, it was as if it was a burden to her. she tells me she doesn't like it there, and of course doesn't care about my opinion about it.

eventually i started researching stuff and started doing DBT self help techniques and journaling.

with this in mind, i always knew something wasn't right about our relationship. but it was all just sort of foggy and confusing to me and i wasn't really aware of the knowledge i have now.

It wasn't until, i think it was the middle of may, when i had an "awakening"

It was about a day before i was supposed to go to the doctor for anxiety medication. something i thought i needed...

but me and my mom got into an argument the day before, i had no idea why she was mad at me, she said i was being snotty the night before. (i'm looking back at the journal i wrote that day) It literally was out of the blue and unexpected, and left me feeling extremely confused. Then, the next day on the ride to the doctor's office she was saying things like how i need to get out more, go and get a job, how when she was 17 she was out working, etc etc.  She was saying things as if she was trying to get a rise out of me. i was trying my best to stay cool, but on the way back from the doctors office i started sticking up for myself, and the fight evolved and she began screaming and eventually she yelled to me, "I hate you, and you're a ___!"

later that night, i was crying and i randomly searched on youtube "emotionally abusive parents" and i found a lisa a romano video, who is a life coach that makes videos on youtube about dysfunctional families, and that pretty much was the start of my awakening and true self help journey.

Ever since i've been learning and taking action steps to help myself. i've been dedicating as much time as i can to learning how to build myself up and grow. i've been learning about boundaries, detachment, self worth, etc.

I've also dedicated a TON of time to learning about BPD/NPD. i believe my mom is uBPD with NPD traits.

i am here writing today because i've been learning about telling my personal truth.

i remember a little while back, i was going to post something about my relationship with my mother on a different website, and i immediately took it down. I felt guilty. I literally felt scared that she'd maybe see the post somehow.

after my progress in self help though, and just learning about how to actually feel like i have a SELF, i feel a bit more comfortable posting this...

what really pushed me to sign up on here is my mom's behavior towards me the other day. I could go into detail but yall probably have an idea.

I've learned though to observe, and don't absorb.

I'm just trying to move forward in my life. I'm tired of feeling so STUCK. I'm trying to get back out into the world... i figure reaching out somewhere is a small step. i still have lots to learn though and lots of progress to make. Since i've been reading on this website, i've already learned a lot and have had lots of "ah ha" moments.

Hi hunnybaby

Having a BPD/NPD mother isn't an easy to thing to deal with. I am very sorry that you're in this difficult situation. I was raised by an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and know how hard this can be.

I am glad you've already taken steps to help yourself and have learned so much from reading self-help material. We can't control or change others if they don't want to change, but what we can control is what we do ourselves. By educating ourselves, changing our own responses, setting and defending boundaries and speaking up and asserting ourselves we can change the dynamics of the relationships with our BPD family-members, regardless of whether they change or not. Your post makes clear that you've already started to take significant steps in this direction. |iiii

Having a support network as you go through all of this can be very helpful so I think it's very positive that you are reaching out for support and advice. |iiii You are 17 years old, unfortunately our site requires the members to be at least 18 years old. There are other sites specifically for teens that can help you. I encourage you to check out www.teenhelp.org, a website dedicated to helping teens who find themselves struggling. I've also selected this other resource that could be helpful for you:

Your Life Your Voice

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000

Please know we will be here for you when you are 18 and I encourage you to revisit our online community then.

Take care

Kwamina

*mod*

This topic has been locked.