BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I've been offline for a bit in this group.  Normally, I was posting about dealing with my ex-wife.  Now, I'm on to something that I hope and pray can be more productive.  My step-son (my ex-wife's son) is in his early 20's, and he's struggled really his entire life (or for as long as I've known him, which is since he was 5ish) with a number of things.  To make a long story short, now that he is in his early 20's he shows all the hallmarks of BPD, though he's never been formally diagnosed.  But it adds up... .chronic lying, risky behavior, self-harming behavior, substance abuse, massive mood swings, refusal to really take responsibility (it's always someone else's fault), instability in his sense of self (one minute he thinks he's the smartest person in the world and has nothing else to learn, the next minute he hates himself and hates everyone), he cannot keep a job or any friends for very long, yet he keeps going back to relationships that are bad for him (like his mom), he's highly dependent, yet he hates that he has to depend on people (yet he keeps making choices that land him on people's couches), periods of temporary dissociation (feeling "outside of his body", as he puts it), etc.  One of the things that is so classically "him" is how he always hits bottom, then has this new motivation to do better for himself (which usually lasts from a few days to a few weeks), and then he crashes and burns and finds himself in the same place over and over.  You get the idea.  Although I'm not a psychologist, in my experience he is classic BPD.  He can be very charming, but for knowing him almost his entire life, it isn't hard to see that he lives on the surface on top of a very thin veneer.  But underneath is a cesspool of hurt and loathing.  It is really sad to watch. 

The last time I saw him was when my wife and I came back from vacation with the kids.  Our house-sitter said he just showed up at the house a few days before we came back, like he had nowhere to go, and slept and slept.  When we returned, he basically did the same thing.  He had an infection in his lip, which after he admitted falling back into using meth, makes sense.  Well, it became really awkward to have him sleeping all day and night in our living room -for me, my wife, and all the kids.  So, eventually I opened the blinds and told him he needed to go.

That began one of his speeches where he basically has an explanation for everything.  He claims he felt 'embarrassed' about his lip, so that is why he holed away at our house.  He says that he actually felt safe at my house and got to relax, which is almost never gets to do (because he's basically homeless right now and couch surfs from place to place), and then, of course, I was ruining it.  I didn't let him put that on me and explained that I like when he comes over to see us, but not like this... .unshowered, coming down off of drugs, sleeping all day, eating all of our food (which I cannot afford), and leaving his mess everywhere for me or my wife to pick up.  Things got worse.  He got angrier.

And that's when I finally said some things that I wanted to say to him.  I talked to him about how he needed to get help.  He blamed where's he at on his ex-girlfriend, because she "ruined his life" but introducing him to meth.  He blamed his mom for why he has no place to live (she did basically take over his place, move herself in, and befriend all of his friends against him).  I told him that he makes it too easy for them because of how he blows up.  There's a restraining order against him because of how *he* acted, not them.  He's having a problem with drugs because he took the pipe -she didn't force him.  And I tried to encourage him to get help so that he can stop being on this emotional roller-coaster and finally find some peace and be able to STAY on the good path, when he finds it.  He got angry, started yelling and screaming at me in the street with tears in his eyes, took his box of things, and left... .with this 'you're just like everyone else' look on his face.  He went to gramma's, who claims she "puts him to work" mowing the lawn and such, but who is really a classic enabler.  She believes he has "bipolar", because his mom has spread that around... .I believe as a buffer so that everyone thinks he's the crazy one and not her.

A few days later, he shows back up at my house with a woman who appeared to be almost my age.  I've never seen her before.  She was nice, but it looked like she lived in her car, which was parked out in front of my house.  He acted as if nothing happened the other day, but within a few minutes I could tell that he was basically bumming for money because he wanted to go to the county fair.  After telling him that I didn't have enough money even for us to go, he stayed for a few minutes, asked if I had any beer, and then left.

So that brings me to where I'm at today.  What do I do with him?  He doesn't want to do treatment (there is a DBT center that is local that I had him all setup for).  He's an adult, so I can't make him do any treatment.  I believe I was right in not letting him sleep all day on my couch, insisting that he get up and do something with himself (he was in jail for about two months and just recently got out.)  But I hate it.  I hate that I dread when he randomly shows up with some new loser friend.  I hate that I don't want to answer the door.  When he's "normal", it's good.  But it's still like he's mainly here just to get something from me.  The times when I've felt like he really just wanted to connect are extremely small in number.  Obviously, telling him that he needs treatment doesn't do anything good.  But he knows I believe his mom is BPD, and he says he read it and wondered if he is too.  But the conversation never goes further than that.  It is just sad.  Sometimes he seems really focused, wants to start going to church, wants to help people, etc.  But most of the time I just read his latest relationship explosions on Facebook, either about "F-YOU" to everyone or really dark things about himself and about life.  It's like watching a slow train-wreck.  But I cannot tell him anything without him freaking out.  And I know he would love to move back in here, but there is NO way I'm allowing that to happen.  Any advice? 

Gee, OutOfEgypt, I'm really sorry that your Stepson is suffering so much, and that it seems to be falling on you to have to deal with him... .It's really hard, as a parent, to watch our kids (even our adult kids!) do self-destructive things and seem to not be able to help. Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS are geared to parents, and are very helpful in getting a handle on dealing with our BPD children... .

At the top of the Parenting Board's thread listings are 4 photos with Feature Articles linked to under them (and here, too: When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child)), and they are also very helpful to deal with the situations you are describing.

One of those Feature Articles could help you a lot with the issues you are talking about: Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy). It has a lot of insights and advice, and something from that Article that I find very enlightening when it comes to your situation is:



What can we do for a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder traits?

If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on.

Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears.  "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.

Reinforcing the developing awareness.  Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.

Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment.  Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.

What Not To Do

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders



I do recommend you read the whole Article I linked to above (and the other ones, as well)... .Everything in it is very eye-opening and helpful, and you could come back with your thoughts about what you've read, and any questions you might have. We'd love to help you, OutOfEgypt 

Interesting that your SS is coming to you after you have divorced his mother. How long have you been a SD to this boy? How old is he?

Whether it is the drug addiction or BPD that is showing its face, this is still a situation that needs careful attention. If he trusts you, great! But if he is using you, not so great! You have to figure this out. If he will listens to you, he really needs to be encouraged to get rehab but by the sounds of your post this might not be a possibility. With an addict where does that leave you? Pretty much having to place boundaries with his behavior. You have to decide what of his behavior is acceptable and how much interaction you will have with him.

You mentioned you now feel your ex was BPD... .I have found in many cases that a BPD child had a BPD parent. Divorce seems to be a event in the child's life that brings out the BPD traits. If this is the case with your SS, he is terribly insecure and as much as we would like to comfort and secure their world we cannot, sad but true. BPs are terribly needy... .it's like trying to fill a well that cannot be filled.

What we can offer them is validations for their feelings, support, pats on the back and encouraging them that they can figure their situation out. Realize too that if SS is truly BP he could very well be gone tomorrow and you will be the worst person in the world despite your help and support. This is typical BPD behavior.

I've been in his life since he was 5.  He is now 21.

Does he trust me or is he using me?  I think it is both.  I think he trusts me, but he also lies to me -I don't just think he does, I know he does.  He lies about things that happened, he lies about, for example, the last time he claimed his was going to commit suicide (he claims he didn't and they were just making it up to make him look bad), etc.  And I know he often comes around only when he needs something.  On one hand, that isn't terrible.  He knows I'm a stable enough person to turn to.  But on the other hand, it is bad.  He chases his mother terribly -has been his entire life.  When push comes to shove, if she called for him and wanted to hang out... .he would ditch me and everyone else in a heartbeat, only to be hurt all over again.  I've listened to some of his friends tell me that he does the same with them.  He uses them.

Yes, the fact that his mom is almost undeniably BPD is a big concern for me and for his sisters.  I worry about both of them being like their mom.  My teen daughter can be very needy, act out for attention, etc.  This, of course, can just be the behavior of a teenager.  But I still do my best to deal with her directly and confront her dysfunctional ways of relating, handling her feelings, and extreme neediness.