BPDFamily.com

I will trying to keep this short. I have met a women that works as a prostitute. And of course hence where I met her  

Her looks attracted me, but after know each other longer, we clicked pretty well. She is older then me, her wealth is significantly more then mine. She is not here to scam my money. That I have 100% trust in her. We started dating after seven months and I asked her to be my girlfriend four months later. I even purposed to her and she is considering  

Anyways my psychological problem is she is still working in the field. She promised she will quit once we get married. We understand I don't have the money to support her needs, but her saving will get her thru her life if she spend wisely.

I often visit her at her workplace (where she does incalls - takes customer). I often bump into her customer in the hallway. She often talks to me about her customers and work. She even does outcall or overnight from time to time and she is upfront about it. She said that is purely work, no relationship. I trust her because I know out of all her clients, I ain't the best one but she still choose me.

The psychological thing is I know as soon as that call ended or the door shuts behind, she is having sex with another men. How can me as a boyfriend take that is purely "work" that my girlfriend is doing? I am not worried about her cheating on me. I am more worried about her safety and the image of her having sex with someone else keeps coming up in my mind which makes me unconformable.

Hi aacc,

This does sound uncomfortable. In any relationship, sticking to our boundaries, as defined by our personal values, is key. It sounds like you are strugglng with divorcing the act of sex with real, relationship intimacy, right? What makes you think she has BPD?

T

"and I asked her to be my girlfriend four months later. I even purposed to her and she is considering  (shocked)"

-trying to lock her down instead of allowing her to come to you, is not a good sign.

"I trust her because I know out of all her clients, I ain't the best one but she still choose me."

-What are you really to her? Be honest

"She promised she will quit once we get married. We understand I don't have the money to support her needs, but her saving will get her thru her life if she spend wisely."

-so in the meanwhile, UNTIL you married how things are right now likely won't change. Which means if you choose to continue to see her, your connection will grow, while the hurt and pain of her 'working' will grow too. What will likely happen each day, and how will you feel each day?

If your parent has BPD, do you feel you have not been choosing the right partners for you, based on your history with your parent? Have you struggled to have healthy relationships in the past?

Getting married, while struggling financially isn't the best idea. There are a lot of things that need to happen in order for things to turn out okay for you. There are many Red Flags that would suggest going down such a path would only lead to more hurt, pain and trouble.

You care about her, her safety and you like her enough not to want her to be with other men. Ask her if she would be comfortable with you dating other woman? An open relationship may be better for you, while you figure things out. If this is the only woman you seeing, its going to cloud your judgement as you acting out of scarcity and neediness.

This situation is very tough for you. You have chosen to work through a very difficult situation. Its the worst feeling to know your gf/ex etc is with someone else. The worst thoughts for me is knowing my partner is with someone else.

If you choose to proceed, then you will probably regret this as one of the worst decisions you made.

My ex only played with the idea of becoming a prostitute and webcam a model, went to a casting behind my back, exposed herself on public chats, sent nude pictures to "friends" for friends and paying debst, despite negotiating clear boundaries on these issues.

At the end of the road, as she breaches every boundary, your self-esteem will simply dissipate.

I am understanding that this woman has BPD or at least that you suspect it. Her chosen occupation might very well be a direct result of her mental state and if that is the case, that she finds a level of safety in charging men for sex so that she can keep control and avoid feeling abandoned (they are PAYING her to be with her, after all), you are in for a VERY difficult relationship.

Even if that is not the case, look at the history you have with her. I have to hesitate in encouraging a relationship that began with one person paying the other for sex. I cannot imagine the respect and trust is even possible in such a situation. This is, of course, my own opinion and I know others will disagree.

I think that most men who pay her for sex at one time or another feel that they are "in love" with her and ask her to be their girl friend/wife etc.  I just saw Jamie Jamison on Oprah's series, "Where are they now?"... .two kids, UI, a divorce, losing primary custody of her twins... .she looks lost.

I am sorry my friend, for you are seduced by the idea of rescuing her from a demeaning and shameful life. 

I would definitely recommend counseling for yourself.  Focus on your well being apart from your relationship--current or future with her... .or anyone else.

I really don't intend this to come across as mean or shaming, but I can't think of any other way to ask this question?


What did you expect when you choose to get romantic with a prostitute?  Her job is f*** men, dude.  Think about it. If she were a nurse, or a clerk, or a waitress, would you ask her to quit her job for you?  She does what she does.  You can't expect people to change for a relationship.  It doesn't happen.  Seriously, you knew the score on this.  You dove in anyway.  How did you think you would feel when it hit home that she has sex with lots of other men that aren't you?  This is a straight up case of you made your bed here, either lie in it, or get out of it. 

What do your friends and relatives say? Do you feel like it will affect your connection with them? How old are you? A marriage is something big are you even sure that you want to marry a prostitute? I would be more concerned about diseases she can bring back home from her work.

I can relate to this.  My girlfriend went through a phase (before we met) where she was having sex for money.  The really sad part is she was underage when this happened.  She got caught up with some less than desirable people, and while I don't think she was forced into prostituion, I'm sure she was persuaded in some ways.  She is pretty open about it, although it really saddens me when the topic is brought up.  But we've talked, and I believe that was one of the first boundaries I set with her.  Her main reason for doing it was that it made her feel more accepted.  She felt it was the only thing she was good at.  And I believe this caused some PTSD with her as well, as some bad things happened to her while doing all that.  She knows now if she ever falls back into that lifestyle I will be gone.  So far so good.  You can't force her to stop, but you can set up the boundary.  She will choose whether to respect it or not.