BPDFamily.com

I wrote about this a few days ago but I have had more thoughts on it I wanted to share.

I have found so much information on this page and support as I move through the process of accepting and healing.  Thank you everyone!  The farther I go the stronger and happier I get.  I often read the same struggles and questions by most of us on the board.  Seeing things about our ex's on social media and questions like:

How can they move on so quickly?

Is it me? They seems so happy with the replacement

Was I the cause? Am I the crazy one?

If I had done more, would it have worked?

I have asked myself all of these questions.  A little history on my marriage.

Anytime I called my wife on her bs behavior she would go into a mode of punishing me.  The usual was for her to stop wearing her rings, change to her maiden name on all social media, block me, delete photos, change her relationship status, move into the spare room, and deny me any intimacy... .you know how a healthy mature person deals with conflict in a marriage... .hahahaha good grief!

So a few nights ago a new profile under possible friends comes up on my FB (a few mutual friends)  I was not looking for it nor do I look at her social media (although I used to at the beginning of the break up).  There she is using the replacements last name, engaged, wearing an engagement ring, kissing the replacement.  And by the way we are still married.  Her new profile has a new group of friends.

As I thought about this it became so obvious that this is just another effort to inflict some hurt on me and to see if I will react, to see if I still care.  All the things she did to me to hurt me during the marriage she is broadcasting that she will do them for him.  I can guarantee that things are not so rosy in her life and she is trying very hard to portray the perfect new life.  If things were great she would not be off on a other campaign to try and hurt me and get validation from her new little group of friends.  What healthy person after knowing someone for 7 months gets engaged and use their boyfriends last name while still married? Its kind of pathetic.  And then I just laughed... I realized she has no power over me anymore.  I quietly blocked her new profile and went on with my evening, I am free.  I am not with anyone new and I am moving through the healing process in a healthy normal way and I feel happy again.

So to those questions above.  It was not us and there was nothing we could have done differently.  They are not all of a sudden happy with the replacement and its just a façade.  Remember, there is one common factor in all their broken relations... .them!  They are not magically fixed and history will repeat itself. None of us are crazy and everyone here deserves so much more.

Keep working on detaching.

Keep working on acceptance.

Be grateful you're off the crazy train.

It will and does get better.

Wavelife,

 Well written!

Yes, there is nothing we could have done better. Nothing.

How are we to predict the unpredictable?... .and a BPD swings from one extreme to the next.  It's like playing "dodgeball" 24-7... .you never know when something is going to be chucked at you.

The "woulduv, coulduv, shoulduvs" are probably the hardest stage to get through when a relationship like this ends. I think that's because there was 0 communication with the ex and there were a lot of things that could have worked out if there was communication.

Thing is this... .that was never going to happen. They have no concept of how to communicate their feelings appropriately. Another thing is we feel extreme guilt because we are being blamed for EVERYTHING. The BPD takes no accountability. In every relationship it takes two and in a BPD breakup all fault is assigned to you. There is no closure so you carry the words of these people who are disordered and are left to process them on your own, abandoned.

Key word, disordered.

Don't forget... .their words NEVER matched their actions. Keep that in mind when they are blaming YOU for them cheating and leaving for someone else.

It really is THEM.

PW

Coming to terms with the realization that there was truly nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome was the hardest part of my healing.  What finally got through to me was remembering that when I was dragging us around to 3 different marriage counselors and a couple's communication course (all of which he admitted years later to sabotaging on purpose), he was having a year long affair with my so-called "friend".  I did more than most partners would have done facing the raging and dysfunction.  I didn't find out about the affair (although I did suspect that he had many, and still believe he had others) until 6 months ago which was 4.5 years after the affair started and I still hung in for months thinking we could fix things.  I did my part, and know now that he couldn't possibly have magically become the partner I remembered from the early days.  It wasn't me at all, it was him. 

Michelle,

   You know what doubles the betrayal... .the so called friend.

I experienced this too.  Nothing is worse than betrayal... .unless it's betrayal x 2.

Now what would it mean if you got an apology email but it was sort of generalized without specific ownership of anything, rather just the "sorry for bad behavior" sort?

My personal experience with that is I believe whenever she gave a general apology she either did that to make herself feel better or she was just going through the motions.

Whenever I replied with a yes, you did, or something along those lines, her reply would be either a change of subject, say I was the one that hurt myself by my actions, or go on the attack.

Wavelife---

So a few nights ago a new profile under possible friends comes up on my FB (a few mutual friends)  I was not looking for it nor do I look at her social media (although I used to at the beginning of the break up).

-----Since you weren't looking at this new profile, it sounds like she was looking at your profile (so facebook recommended her as a friend)  from her new one

Disordered---- Another reason for the "apology" could be that she was trying to paint herself white and let go of the shame that was making her split herself black?

When you realize the questions are linked to extremely immature and frankly stupid behavior, the questions become more insignificant. Its like, yeah I could've done x and y differently, but it doesn't change the way the other (the person with disordered traits) perceives you. Its like stepping outside of a small circle you've been trapped in.


Well of course, a way of releasing the guilt and shame of the things she did. I understand she probably isn't capable of actually recognizing specifically the things I perceived as wrong, which in her mind were likely totally normal so its only natural she would think "wow, really bad feelings about things that happened with disordered, I should apologize."

Its just the ease of transition from a 3 year living-together situation to a guy who doesn't live with her (which I thought would be a major trigger) that really bothers me.

And of course I start to think that he simply knows how to satiate her physical desires, etc. in ways that I couldn't, which keeps her willing to do it (this is for some reason a big thing for me.) Then again, what choice does she have? That's her only/best attachment so it seems natural she'd adapt to going back and forth to and from his place if that's what keeps her attached.

Though at the end of it all I realize its simply a matter of survival and getting needs met. Everyone does it. They just do it in a way that is detrimental to truly fulfilling relationships.

Well of course, a way of releasing the guilt and shame of the things she did. I understand she probably isn't capable of actually recognizing specifically the things I perceived as wrong, which in her mind were likely totally normal so its only natural she would think "wow, really bad feelings about things that happened with disordered, I should apologize."

Its just the ease of transition from a 3 year living-together situation to a guy who doesn't live with her (which I thought would be a major trigger) that really bothers me.

And of course I start to think that he simply knows how to satiate her physical desires, etc. in ways that I couldn't, which keeps her willing to do it (this is for some reason a big thing for me.) Then again, what choice does she have? That's her only/best attachment so it seems natural she'd adapt to going back and forth to and from his place if that's what keeps her attached.

Though at the end of it all I realize its simply a matter of survival and getting needs met. Everyone does it. They just do it in a way that is detrimental to truly fulfilling relationships.

Lol - Tarot reading about them: The magician, reversed. "Ungrounded, Unbalanced, Personality Disorder"