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So last night was going great with amazing sex. The night before was not good at all. I want to show my wife something funny on facebook. She then starts going through all my messages. I have nothing to hide, so it is no big deal. She starts questioning every one on why I replied, or why I didn't reply, etc. Someone said they liked a video I posted. I replied "thanks". She got mad that I was having facebook conversations behind her back. I said there was no conversation, I only said thanks. After about 20 more minutes, its late and I want to go to sleep. So I ask for the phone back. She wants to know why I want it back, what am I afraid of her finding. I say there is nothing for her to find. A few more minutes and more questions and I ask again for the phone back, so we can go to sleep. She gets very mad that I asked a second time. After about 5 more minutes, I say "It is late, lets go to sleep". She gives the phone back, but is very mad. This morning she says I probably deleted messages while she was sleeping, and how can she ever trust me. I tried to validate her feelings by saying "I understand you are having trust issues related to facebook. I love you and am not trying to hide anything". Now she refuses to return texts or talk. I'm so stressed it hurts. I'm so tired of being stressed all the time. How do I validate that I didn't delete messages?

You can't validate the invalid. You know you weren't deleting messages or hiding anything so don't give that accusation too much of your energy. The more you try to defend yourself, the more guilty you will look, and things will heat up all over again. It's a trap - don't fall into it! Don't take the bait!

Stay calm and continue as you have, validating her feelings.  |iiii

Give her space and time to regulate her emotions. And try not to get too frustrated while you're waiting for that to happen. She'll come around... .eventually.

Sorry I can't give better advice. I know it's stressful and frustrating. I've done a lot of waiting myself for him to get over crazy notions he dreams up in his own head. Nothing more I can do but validate... .and be patient. And in the meantime, finding some pleasant distraction for myself. I can tell you that over time, his fears have lessened and his accusations have gotten a lot less ridiculous. But I still have to ride the waves as they come.

Helps to remember our job isn't to change their moods or convince them of anything, but to protect ourselves from the fallouts and keep things from escalating.

She has responded and said I must be guilty because I am so defensive. I'll give her some space. Thanks for the help :)

I just recently dealt with a situations involving jealousy arriving from Facebook posts. Generally speaking, a lot BPD jealousy stems from fear of abandonment. This knowledge has helped me be a bit more empathetic about how my BPDw is feeling, because her reasons for being jealous are often irrational. In the past, this would make me angry. It's still frustrating and makes me a bit angry, but realizing it comes from a fear of abandonment and not an intentional effort to control my every action helps me be more empathetic.

This is so true! I have deleted lots of facebook friends. She doesn't like her, she gets deleted without questions.

She just send a text about a great dinner idea. So everything seems back to normal.

That's great Chuck!  |iiii

Beware, this could still come up again, without warning. What's helped me THE MOST in the face of his dysregulations and weird accusations is staying calm, patient... .and above all, consistent. It is our consistency that can extinguish a behavior... .or at least decrease its frequency/intensity. 

For more on extinction bursts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0