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Title: Feeling like it's ingrained in me to only let pwBPD in... and I'll wind up alone Post by: misssouthernbelle on September 03, 2015, 12:35:27 AM I know that sounds like a pity party title, but it's truly how I feel sometimes. After falling for two of these individuals, it feels like I am doomed. I feel like I am only hardwired to like and care for crazy men who are abusive/inconsiderate/abandoned children. Men who might give a crap, as much as I try, I just don't feel a connection with. I feel broken and wired wrong. The pwBPD only brings it to my attention. Otherwise, I would have had a healthy relationship by now. Sometimes, I feel like I'll never have one and that I'm forever flawed and doomed to attract the crazy to my codependent. Does anyone else feel this way?
Title: Re: Feeling like it's ingrained in me to only let pwBPD in... and I'll wind up alone Post by: saintgrey on September 03, 2015, 12:41:02 AM Have you discovered what makes you attracted to pwBPD ? I think its possible you enjoy the high of the adorations and the need to help others, i think we all are and thats why a lot of us have fantasies with our ex.
Title: Re: Feeling like it's ingrained in me to only let pwBPD in... and I'll wind up alone Post by: disorderedsociety on September 03, 2015, 12:51:50 AM Its like a drug. My psychiatrist recently put me on stimulants because of lack of drive/motivation following my breakup and I quit after a couple of months because they were destroying my life, making me way too aggressive, making my muscles tense up. After I quit I had the -exact- same thoughts about taking it that I have about my past relationship. Maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe I should try again but only a little bit. Its ridiculous. What you're experiencing I experienced, and its part of a withdrawal from high-intensity. Try to find something calming that brings you into your center. I hear adult coloring books are great.
Title: Re: Feeling like it's ingrained in me to only let pwBPD in... and I'll wind up alone Post by: misssouthernbelle on September 05, 2015, 12:02:56 AM Have you discovered what makes you attracted to pwBPD ? I think its possible you enjoy the high of the adorations and the need to help others, i think we all are and thats why a lot of us have fantasies with our ex. I have. I spent the last 3 years of my life being self aware and healing. For some reason, no matter how consciously aware I am, my subconscious is still the little girl who was hurt by her mother and acts out the lonely child role. I'll eventually see what's happening and set boundaries, but for the most part, it is frustrating. I feel like I work so hard to understand, but I'm hardwired to be this way a.k.a. only talking to crazy men when I do find someone that catches my eye. Its like a drug. My psychiatrist recently put me on stimulants because of lack of drive/motivation following my breakup and I quit after a couple of months because they were destroying my life, making me way too aggressive, making my muscles tense up. After I quit I had the -exact- same thoughts about taking it that I have about my past relationship. Maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe I should try again but only a little bit. Its ridiculous. What you're experiencing I experienced, and its part of a withdrawal from high-intensity. Try to find something calming that brings you into your center. I hear adult coloring books are great. You bring up some great points! I will definitely keep in mind focusing on things that bring me peace! :) Title: Re: Feeling like it's ingrained in me to only let pwBPD in... and I'll wind up alone Post by: SGraham on September 05, 2015, 12:24:16 AM Have you discovered what makes you attracted to pwBPD ? I think its possible you enjoy the high of the adorations and the need to help others, i think we all are and thats why a lot of us have fantasies with our ex. I can't speak for missoutherbell but that is certainly what made it so special for me. Before i knew she had BPD and that i was fighting a loosing battle, i kinda felt like we were that couple that triumphed through adversity because we loved each other. The trouble is, only i saw it that way. Mutt once said something that i really took to heart, it was something along the lines of "i dont want to convince anyone not to be with someone with a dissorder. you can overcome anything, so long as both participants are willing to overcome" Title: Re: Feeling like it's ingrained in me to only let pwBPD in... and I'll wind up alone Post by: letmeout on September 05, 2015, 12:45:45 AM You need to stop dating for a while, a long while. That has worked for me. I find that I am no longer attracted to lying thieves with disordered brains.
I can take care of myself just fine and if I happen to meet a wonderful sane man someday, that will be great. If not, that will be great too :) |