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BPDh along with asking for a divorce, is now also thinking I'm texting some other guy. He's using it as his reason to sleep in the spare room. I slept in the spare room for a while, but it was because he's been so dysregulated for a while, and I needed a break from his cruelty. I couldn't bear to sleep with someone who'd just annihilated me emotionally.

Yesterday morning, I went in and cuddled with him, and asked him if he was done being mad. He said "some" or something like that. When he got home from work, he was cool, and mostly ignored me, so I went for a long walk and talked to a friend. He did ask me to run to the store with him when I got home, but while there I asked him a simple question about our pin number(I couldn't remember it), and he refused to answer me. My ex used to do that to me, so this is very hurtful and triggering. I just walked away, and went to look at videos in the red box machine.

He comes over, and asks if I'm not going to rent a video and I ignored HIM. Pointedly. For years, I've been sucking it up, but dang, I just felt like giving him a dose of what he gave me. He's childish and petty, two things he always calls me, but I don't ever call him. He feels the constant need to "punish" me.

Also, he asked for sex last night, but I was too full from dinner(this wasn't just an excuse, I hated turning him down), so he then refused to sleep with me again. I asked him about it this morning and he said he would have slept with me if we'd had sex. I feel like I'm in crazy world right now. Oh, and he's also still mad he says over me "texting that guy". I did apologize for it(and I didn't even do it), but he's choosing to stay mad. What's ironic, is that when he thinks I did it, it was right after he'd told me to "find someone else" and he's said he wanted a divorce.

How do I stay centered when all this is going on? During his silent treatment, blame and withdrawal and divorce threats. I felt great yesterday, thought things might get better last night, but he's clearly still in punishment mode, and last time he never came out of it until we'd spent months apart. Even then, I think we only reconciled because I agreed to all his sick terms.

How do you handle staying centered and deal with resentment and silent treatment? I'm trying to be loving, but it's hard when it's just rebuffed... .

     Hey CB... .I'm sorry that you are having a hard time staying centered.  The ST is extremely difficult to deal with especially if you have resentment in your heart.  Let's start with the resentment.  That is holding you back.  The root of that is unforgiveness.  I dealt with this a while back.  You are focused on your hurt and pain (it's understandable considering what the BP's put us through), instead of focusing on making things better. 

     You are still involved in the "dance" and he knows it gets to you.  I had to finally come to the place of facing my worst fears to beat these feelings and stay centered.  First I had to deal with the ST.  That happened about 2 months before my wife filed.  I was always afraid of being alone.  What I found, is it has been the best thing for me personally and I have appreciated and respected myself more.  In turn, I think my wife does too.  Once that happened, I think that was one of the things that pushed her to file was that I wasn't "crawling back to her" in a ball. 

     The second thing I faced was the possibility of divorce.  That was a huge "paper tiger" as I don't want to be divorced.  I was forced to when she filed and I received the papers in the mail.  I faced it head on and found ot that it has been a bluff on my wife's part.  I found out that she isn't interested in the "finality" of our relationship any more than I am.  What I am finding is a woman that is deathly afraid of relinquishing control.  She thought that by filing, I would come crawling back.  What it has made me do is set firmer boundaries around communication and what I will and won't discuss with her.  I'm not burying my head in the sand, but I won't be tormented by it either and that's what she uses to torment me with when she is dysregulated or emotional.  ANY form of communication that is not healthy by her I cut off immediately.  She is learning as she hasn't blown up in months.  She still tries to bait me.  Last week it happened with the "discovery paperwork" from her attorney.  What I realized real quick was that she still won't set a date for mediation or trial and therefore doesn't want the divorce.  She was looking for a trigger point with me and didn't find it. 

     The third thing that I've had to face is being okay when she needed space.  Part of that was unhealthiness in me and my codependency.  I either didn't want to be alone or wanted to "fix" whatever was wrong, even if it meant compromising my own values.  I now step back and let her have it.  I always try to end conversations with something caring, loving and fun with her.  We haven't said, "I love you" to each other in a while and honestly, I try to show it more now with my actions because saying it is easy.

     My best advice to you CB is start with forgiveness.  True forgiveness and not based off of his actions.  You have to come to a place in your own life that says, "I can't control him, but I can control my actions and how I respond."  By changing myself, the ST has gone away (90% of the time), and I allow her the space she needs to find herself and be her own person.  Everyone needs that.  She needs to see that in me and now does.  I hope this helps.

The silent treatment has anhillated me over and over. Horrifying and massively destructive to me on every level.

Boyfriend has done it so often, at this point to me, I just accept it and go about my business. People told me over and over, go about your business. I am not happy he is doing it, but I get on with my daily life now. At some point, he is going to be willing to negotiate.

Regarding your husband, the only thing I can broadly think of in terms of the abuse he is heaping on you, is to ignore his baiting and sulks. Completely. So very hard to do, of course. I think you will end up one of two ways here. He will escalate the abuse to the point you have to leave, or he will eventually learn he gets zero from you as he burns up his energy with antics.

I want to comment that it seems you are becoming normalized to increasing levels of abuse. That is not healthy for you. What is your limit here? Really, I want to know. What is your limit?

Hi Ceruleanblue,

You want to be close with him, and he's struggling to get to the same place -- he doesn't have the same skills you have and that's frustrating. It's hard to find that centered place when we have to do more than our fair share to keep things grounded. I hear that you felt weary from handling divorce threats, accusations, and both emotional/physical distance, and had a moment where you felt tired. I believe Patricia Evans refers to silent treatment as particularly difficult because we can feel "erased" and invisible. It takes a lot of centering -- a lot.

I remember reading in the book Attached, the author refers to "protest behaviors" that get activated when our own needs are not being met by a romantic partner. It sounds like your protest behaviors got triggered. Do you notice something different about the current situation?

Mindfulness is an excellent tool that helps train us to press pause when protest behaviors are activated. Have any of the wise mind workshops here been helpful for you?

Great answers here already regarding forgiveness, acceptance, mindfulness.

ST is the issue in my relationship that still causes me the biggest deal of troubles. I found that if I try to ignore and go about my business, I'm later accused of not caring or being oblivious to her emotions and her needs.

I've taken to saying, 'it seems that you are upset'. Half the time, that's the trigger for her to start talking about her feelings, and I must sit and patiently validate. The other half of the time, the silent treatment continues with one word, hostile answers. At that point I say that there are things I need to do but I'll be around if she feels like talking. I then just try to 'check in' once in a while with small talk to see if the mood has lifted.

This isn't foolproof. I wouldn't say the frequency of ST has decreased for me but I think the duration of the episodes has shortened and the conversations after are less drama filled.

That's just it, I'm not harboring resentment, but HE is. I think he got to this place of wanting divorce because he can't or won't communicate, unless it's through anger, so nothing gets addressed or resolved. I even told him that I'm not mad or angry over anything. Heck, I even got over his infidelity, and that fact that he made me choose living with him or my son! I try to get over anger quickly, and sometimes it takes a few days, but I always get there. I feel it's our duty when we are married to do so. Heck, it's essential in any relationship.

I can't control him though, that is true, and it is HIM that is having the harbored anger, and resentment due to it. He holds on to it, keeps a tally, and then wants to throw the marriage away. I can't do anything about that.

I have been going for walks, and going about my business, but I just hate that he's still doing this.

My limit to the abuse is when it gets physical. He has not done that since we reconciled, but if he does, that's a game changer for me.

You don't call deliberately hurting you during sex, physical?

I'm from the leaving side, so take what you can leave the rest. 

I know you are trying to ignore things, and to get over things, you do that a lot.  It's not giving him any accountability, and it is making the doormat wider and wider.   I think I would have stopped before giving up my son for him. 

The silent treatment is either manipulation or just a plain hissy fit that you aren't acting like you should, like a little puppet.  I also thing that him hurting you while having sex is physical abuse. 

When I was trying to figure out wth was going on, I wasn't on this board, but I would take all of those self help books and keep trying to work on me, but it wasn't for me, it was for him.  It was like I wanted to take all the blame because the only thing that I could change was me, so I kept changing till I didn't know how I was anymore, and guess what, I still wasn't good enough. 

My opinion now on the Silent Treatment, if I ever get it again, I will leave and I will never look back.  The ST shuts down all communication, until you just want it to stop so you give in to whatever.  There is no mutuality in any of that.  There is no good will, it is extreme intimidation.  It's a temper tantrum.  Like,  I win or else I won't talk to you anymore, and what are you going to do about it.  Now picture them with there thumb in their ear, waving their other fingers saying nah, nah, nah, nah na.  Mine actually did that to me.

Ceruleanblue, I'm sorry you're still having to deal with your husband's dysregulation.   

It's completely understandable that you feel hurt and frustrated by the silent treatment from him. It really is painful and tough to be on the receiving end of ST. For me, the ST was worse than anything else my ex did.

Maybe it would help to think of the ST time as a 'break' from the anger and crazy-making? It gives you time to focus on yourself - you're not having to react to him all the time. You can just be. I think some mindfulness exercises would help you in centering yourself.

Well, come to think of it, I guess I too think hurting me during sex is physical abuse. I was sort of disappointed in our male MC when he just made light of me telling him this, and said something about sex can be aggressive or very physical. I just felt he made light of it. I mean, I've never had this issue with anyone else during sex!

And yeah, I do sort of feel the ST is like a temper tantrum, or bid for control.

And while I realize that all I can change is ME, I'm done changing or working on all these trumped up "issues" he wants me to. If I want to do self work, I will, but I'm done playing his games. I'm done trying to please someone who is impossible to please. It's a game, and I'm sick of playing it.