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Hello again, I need to help my DH write an e-mail to his uBPDew about visitation over Christmas.

DH has custody, and we live two states away.  SS15's next scheduled visitation is for 12/26 - 1/2.

He did not go this summer as she never contacted DH to set it up, and she needed to pay for it,

then he would reimburse her for half.

SS15 told us she called him the other day, and wants him to come up for Christmas.  He told her,

as he always does, to e-mail his dad to set it up.  No e-mail yet, of course.

DH and I were talking about it last night, and said she'll probably wait until the last minute, if at all,

and then it will cost a boatload of money.  There is nothing in the custody agreement about how

much time before visitation the travel needs to be set up.  And she won't be able to afford the

additional cost anyway, but it's like we're looking at this storm heading towards us, and trying

to mitigate the damage by starting now.

I suggested, although he's loathe to do it, e-mailing her now with 1) the dates, and 2) how much he is

able to pay based approximately on the flight cost now, and the percentage he thinks it will go up

if not booked by, say November 1st.  He can also remind her that per the agreement, she is required

to get his approval for the flight times, pay for the ticket, and e-mail the paid receipt so he can

reimburse her.

Of course, he needs to do this in the least triggering way, and also make sure that her non-response

is also an answer.  I'm having trouble with the wording, and will be working on it today.  Any

suggestions?

PinkieV, how would Mom respond to the phrase from Dad "If I don't hear from you by Day Month Year, I'll assume that it won't work for you to see Son at Christmas"?

It doesn't sound like she can handle a situation that is emotionally charged and has moving parts; I.E. looking up ticket prices, figuring out what options work with her schedule, contacting your DH with those options, agreeing to an option, paying for tickets, and sending receipts for reimbursement. BPDm just isn't a problem solver due to her condition. It's one of her skill set deficiencies. It's sad because I'm sure she really does want to see him.

I agree with Kells that you can put the ball in her court to give you an answer and then start the conversation that way. Keep in mind that if she waits until the last minute she'll have to pay the full ticket price and then ask for half in reimbursement. That doesn't sound like something she could financially swing when the time comes. The only way I see this visit even getting off the ground is if your DH is prepared to invest significant energy in making it happen.

I say this as someone in the same boat because we still drive 4.5 hours to meet half way for holiday exchanges because putting the kids on a plane for an hour and a half flight would be too difficult to work out with their mom being the way she is.

Thank you both for your replies and suggestions.

I think the best way is to initiate the conversation with the basics: 1) visit date, 2) flight schedule, 3) budgeted amount from DH, and 4) date it needs to be booked by.

SS15 honestly does not want to go, so this is more an exercise in making sure DH has proof he tried to make it happen.  She didn't contact over summer and I'm sure

she believes it's DH's fault.

If she operates as in the past, her fiance of four months should be leaving (actually kicking her out) between now and Christmas.  She told SS15 that she wants him

and his brother to come to the wedding, but a little investigating found that the fiance is not even divorced yet. She either marries quickly (all three past husbands),

or they see the light and break up.

She will have to find a replacement as she does not have enough to live on her own, and she definitely won't be able to afford half a plane ticket.  So I'm thinking if

we get out in front of this, she'll either reply and make the plans, or her life will implode and she won't.  If (when) it implodes anyways, we'll deal with his actual

visitation.  Last year she was evicted between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I'm hoping it's not much worse than that!

We've had an interesting turn of events.

DH has his email all ready to go, and went over it with SS15 at their counseling appointment today. SS15 responded that BM already told him that she won't contact DH at all, she'll only talk to SS15 about it. The counselor has heard a lot over the past two years, and even she was surprised. She told him "no offense, but this is a business transaction between your parents, and you're the business".

So SS15 is now worried about BM exploding when DH sends the email. The good news is, and the counselor concurs, that if BM doesn't work with DH, SS15 won't have to go. However, BM is planning on getting married then, so it's not a given.

I told DH that SS15 should just turn off his phone for a few days, or temporarily block her number. I'm not sure he'll be able to ignore her texts, or be able to handle a phone call. That would give her a chance to cool down, but I don't know if that's the best idea. She does have our home phone number for contact as well.

SS15 is hoping that at 16 he'll be able to go before the judge and tell him what he wants. The case is in a state with an age of 16-17 for this. He told his counselor he'd be fine with visiting twice a year, but I think he'd be fine with never. He's so tired of her actions, and being put in the middle between his dad and her, or SS19. He's a smart kid and is beginning to see that nothing is going to change.

Forgot to add that the counselor is going to help SS15 learn how to communicate with BM. She gets there is a PD, another good thing to come from all this.

My DH's UBPDex did the same thing. She told the kids that she hates their dad and wouldn't talk to him so if they wanted to see her over the summer, they had to talk to their dad and then let her know when to meet us to get them. And SS11's counselor said basically the same thing when he brought it up in counseling. So since she failed to communicate with DH at all, the kids didn't go at all this summer. Which was good because we weren't inclined to send them anyway given her erratic and irresponsible behavior.

The difference is that ours are younger and don't "get it" yet. They want to believe everything would be better now. On some level they know better but they aren't ready to face that.

SS15 didn't have summer visitation either, because she would just say "you can come any time". SS15 has come a long way in the past two years. His poor BM was a victim then, and slowly he's come to the realization that wasn't the case. I think the hardest part was admitting that to himself, and realizing it's okay to question her behavior. At the time, his counselor told us he presented like an abused foster child. She still tells us he's the hardest case she's had. Slowly but surely, he learning to trust his feelings, and trust us.