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Last night I pulled out a knife to cut my spaghetti squash in half (which turned out pretty tasty by the way), but I suddenly had a rush of memories of my ex waving knives around me to "scare" me and the thoughts of him cutting himself and all the hospital visits and all the blood... .It was traumatizing for me at the time, but I now remember another reason to be out of this... .any one else have things that come up that are reminders that bother you?

People touching me made me jump, people walking into the house or the room. It sucks though cause I triggered those things so we pretty much played equal parts in traumatizing each other (well, me. she seems to have moved on no prob.)

For awhile, any time the doorbell rang or my text notification went off my body would react. It felt like anxiety + adrenaline. That lasted for almost a month but has been slowly fading. Loud noises make me jump now and I never used to be that way. I think it's a bit of the hypervigilance hanging on. I'm hoping that will slowly fade away too. If not, at least my T always uses EMDR in our sessions.

Totally I work in the field and you get sort of PTSD,symptoms from these relationships. Mostly because you keep blaming yourself for the failures. Hard to walk away from it. Also hard to convince oneself that things were not all our faults. We all come out traumatized from a BPD relationship. There are treatments out there but please be soft on yourself.   

-For months, I could sleep 4 hours a night at the most. Like something snapped in my brain and it was just nutty - I'd sleep 4 hours on the dot, no matter when I went to bed. 10-2, 12-4, didn't matter.

-There were a few places that I couldn't bring myself to go. It was like they ceased to exist for me. To be honest, 10 months out, I still haven't been to some of them again.

-I had to change my text notification sound. Every time I heard it, it literally made me feel nauseous.

-I couldn't concentrate on anything. I would lose the train of thought and just stare in the space or at the floor.

Never experienced this kind of stuff before... .hopefully, never again.

I still have dreams that involve her like 2-3 times a week, its actually a good thing imo because it means you're processing emotions that didn't get resolved or expressed at the time.

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

Places I can't go, friends I can't be friends with now. I can't even drive to the gym past his office. I have to take the long way around.

I realized one night I was sitting in a bar talking to a man and waiting for another male friend to show up. I realized when my friend showed up that I was actually terrified for my friend to see me talking to a stranger at the bar... .because my BPDx would have gone ballistic.

No one should have to live with this kind of fear.

Blue,

 My ex dissasociated and attacked me once. For about a month I would cry in the bathroom at work picturing her spitting at me. I'd shake... .was anxious. Weird things triggered me. I saw her sister at our company holiday party and I had to excuse myself. I went back upstairs and shook at my desk. I cried, I cowered. I felt so lost and hurt. Had I not disclosed I was in a "domestic violence" situation I likely would have lost my job... .

and I have an AMAZING job.

I had a knife block in my kitchen. After that incident I hid my knives. I hid my knives for two years and they are still hidden and I'm BPD free. My grandmother gave me an antique sword... .that is hidden where no one will ever find it.

I never want to feel like I did then. I took her back after the spitting and hair pulling incident and actually told her she will NEVER make me feel that way again.

And she hasn't. I will not allow it.

I am a very kind and loving person. When something like this happens you wonder what the hell you did to deserve that treatment.

You are a kind and loving person. They loathe that because they can never be that.

Ever.

Herodias, I had much less consequential trauma from the r/s.  Things like spilling coffee on the floor or tracking mud in the house after she left, I would rush to clean it up and then realized no one is going to yell or be pissed off, just take your time and clean it up, without all the anxiety.

Also, I have been trying to de-sensitize certain memories.  We frequently vacationed on Cape Cod, a place I love.  I am here this week and have gone to many places we frequented.  It brought back memories and all, but I love this place and I am determined to keep coming.  I think with awareness and healthy self-talk, we can work through it all.

Keep talking about it all!

Same here on all counts. Not being able to sleep more than a few hours at a time made me feel even worse.

I'm 6 months out and there are still places I won't go back to.

I am 10 months out - I moved nearly 200 miles away - but I still listen out for her car - very distinctive after she drove it into a ditch/hedge - it now sounds like the engine is about to drop out.

Every car that drives past at night - my ears perk up and I look at every make and model of the car and read every numberplate

I am hoping that this will stop over time.

When my ex arranged to meet me just to tell me he was now dating his flatmate, I felt as though a crushing iron weight had slammed into my chest. All the pain that had been packed into that relationship seemed to assail me at once and halfway through our discussion I said, more to myself than to him (I was really dazed), "I never thought I was the kind of person to be affected so much by a relationship."

He said, "Ha, neither did I," and stood up to go, saying, "Well, this didn't go as well as I'd hoped." He made me feel like a promising pupil who had disappointed him in the final exam and revealed herself to be made of weaker stuff than imagined.

But it wasn't 'a relationship' that affected my so badly. It was abuse. I am affected like this because he abused me.

Certain words and phrases unlock a flood of painful memories, so I avoid using them. They are pretty neutral words and phrases too, just things he used to say a lot, or word combinations I remember him using in an argument. (I say argument, but it would usually be him insisting that I'd done something wrong and getting vicious over it, and me apologising and begging to at least be told what it was - he never used to tell me, he always wanted me to guess and then explain what I'd done wrong to his satisfaction.) I can't hear the words "now or at any other time" or "one tiny bit" without flashing back to incidents with him. Certain places trigger me and I avoid them. I need to visit some of them to exorcise them of the memories. Certain foods are the same. I can't eat Nutella or corn on the cob now. He was addicted to both of them. Certain smells - there is a detergent brand I can't use. The list goes on.

Sure loads of things are still make me jump. First off, my ex cut herself so seeing someone with those type of scars really upsets me. Second, certain places around town. We live in a pretty smal town so there are certsin places i avoid and certain roads i don't go on. Third, there was this time where she got really drunk and said a ton of fcked up things so now people getting really drunk or high stresses me out (good thing im going into college *sarcasm*). Finally and this is pretty specific, i cant listen to dark side of the moon because we were listening to that the first time we made out. PW said something about not being able to see her exs sister, im the same. The only person in her life who treats me the same is her little brother, 12, so that means a lot to me. 

The phone going off when a text comes in still sends a jolt through me once in a while. Tied to memories from the r/s. Even though I've changed the ringtone, know I have the option to not answer, and she hasn't tried to contact me since last year. Time going by does seem to help it fade.

I still feel a little guilty talking to other girls--even on just a polite, sociable level.  I didn't realize at the time how much she had me on lock when it came to members of the opposite sex.  That said, I still live with her (one more week!) and though I've been replaced, #1: I wouldn't want to rub any of that in her face, and #2:  I'd fear for my safety or theirs  lol

I had PTSD and was triggered afterwards. The worst was in the first month - almost everything terrified me. That got better, but still whenever I did get triggered by something, it was bad.

It got much better as time went on. I can't remember exactly when I completely stopped having 'attacks' - maybe 8 months or so? I still get memories flooding up from certain things, but they stay memories instead of sending me back to the Bad Place.

Weirdly enough, knives never triggered me, despite the fact that he cut me. Far be it from me to try to assign logic to my psyche.   :)

Herodias, it's great that you're able to reframe traumatizing experiences into lessons and growth opportunities. That helps us heal.  |iiii

It helped me in the early weeks/months after my breakup to remember the bad parts - and to remind myself that I didn't want to experience them again.

Healing from trauma is rough. But by processing through and gaining perspective, we learn, grow, and become better.

I am glad everyone has been able to get these thoughts out... .I was thinking after seeing some of yours... .I also am very jumpy, don't sleep well, having weird dreams and I cannot shop at the grocery stores my husband worked in... .he has been involved with different ones at most of them! He would get transferred when promoted, so there have been 4 stores now... .  It's disgusting. The woman I saw in the store two days ago ( I tried to shop there), has no idea I saw pictures of her private parts... .It makes me sick!

Alot of this rings a bell for me,  I look every where for her car when I'm driving somewhere and it does my head in,  not that she stalks me or anything but just because my brain won't let go,  I won't to let go,  same as my text msgs when the phone goes off I kind of hope it's her but not at the same time,  I wish she would contact me so I knew she cared as much as I did but I know I'm only kidding myself and I need to continue n/c it been 8 weeks now I guess I feel better but I have to say it's really hard and I definitely have more bad days than good ones,  I think I definitely have PTSD

My main symptoms are crying, depression and anxiety reactions when I log onto my email account or when my text message alert sounds.

Lifewriter

Hi Frank your reply caught my attention as it resonated with me. I am ex British military and have seen the effects of PTSD first hand with some friends that suffer from it. This enabled me to see the effect in myself post break up. One thing that I firmly believe is that the root cause of PTSD is taking an event personally. I have been in situations that although life threatening I did not get PTSD but friends have. One was a rocket attack and a friend after having two close calls started to believe he was the target. This personalisation led him to being diagnosed with PTSD. Another friend witnessed something that he tried to stop. Troops were injured and he blamed himself for not doing enough to prevent it. This led to his PTSD. With my relationship I took the blame for everything and this I believe is what led to me getting it. I was never diagnosed but all the signs were there.

A lot of people think that you have to go through a major traumatic event to get PTSD and feel ashamed at even thinking that a relationship might have caused it. This is not the case. There is no shame take it from a veteran that thought he was bulletproof but was brought to his knees by a little blonde with a vicious tongue.

Enlighten... .can you elaborate a bit more on PTSD since you know it from your military service and have faced it in your relationship. I am just days into my breakup but feel that I have lived some of it already DURING the relationship. I expect that I might have more once the reality really sinks in. I remember from a PAST breakup with a girlfriend that I had to change my ringtone, couldn't go to Starbucks because she worked for the company, couldn't listen to music because I might hear something that we heard together.

What I can't do now is listen to any kind of music. It evokes emotion. Can't stop playing that song in my head though from Gwen Stafani... .':)on't Speak". Can't eat for enjoyment. Just eat and run. Feel a bit jittery too like I can't stay in one place too long. Sleeping is compromised.

For me it was a sinking feeling for no reason. Going from ok to despair and not knowing why. Getting triggered by everything. An overwhelming feeling like panic but not a full blown panic attack. Insomnia, loss of appetite. There were lots but the panic was what made me look towards PTSD. I'd seen how on edge my friends had been and it resonated with me.

Like I said I was never diagnosed but everything I felt at the time fitted. I had seen big tough men crumble and I physically looked like they did.

Im no expert on PTSD. There are a lot more people here who are more qualified. What I would say is have a read and if the cap fits then its worth seeking professional advice.

Definitely. When my phone rings at work is one of the worst. Even just sitting in the conference room where I spent hours and hours and hours of days trying to apologize and apologize and make her feel better and nothing worked. Where I spent so long on the phone, just trying to end the conversation and put up with constantly being told how what I was doing or saying was wrong. Even on days with nothing wrong (I thought) I'd tense up as soon as I saw her call because I knew it meant I had done something new and I was about to be yelled at for it.

I also apologize for every little thing to everyone now... She put me in such a state where I worry every little slight was this huge offense, and people are like stop apologizing it's not a big deal haha. Especially interrupting. That was always a guaranteed show stopper, if I ever interrupted her speaking. For what it's worth, it's good that I notice myself doing it now (very hard with adhd) but the apologies and instant anxiety is a bit much.