BPDFamily.com

I suspect my ex so has borderline personality disorder. This person is also an active alcoholic. I don't know how much she cheated but she gave me an std. I have resorted to blocking the number because I continue to get texts and calls. Voicemails. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted from the ride with this person who I love. I even got involved with someone else to push my BPD ex away after she was seeing other men. I stupidly unblocked the number and I received messages that she was going crazy thinking I blocked the number. This person has a history of showing up unannounced. I had an hiv scare because a doctor recommended a test. Four months since the breakup and I have had three days of no contact. I need advice and help please. I am late twenties and feel like my life is over. No sense of self. What more should I do besides blocking the number? She also uses blow. Cuts. Can be violent. I am scared everyday and I do not feel safe in my home. I need advice and suggestions. Thank you.

Hi Greenleaf

A lot of us here have been on the emotional roller coaster you describe. We have been at our wits end and like you physically and mentally exhausted.

Going no contact is a good first step.

As you have found this site then you are obviously learning about BPD which is also good.

Forcing yourself to do things even though you don't want to helps. I could have quite happily spent the rest of my life in bed but forced myself to get up and do things instead.

My biggest concern is that you fear for your safety. You say she has been violent. In what way? was it hitting you or has she threatened you with weapons? Does she have access to where you live? If so can you get the locks changed? Has she made any threats? If so are they by text or in a voicemail. These could be used to go to the police and get a restraining order. You could talk to a domestic abuse help line and see what they advise, They will know the legalities in your area. Do you live alone? Are you friendly with your neighbours so you can explain the situation and have them keep an eye out for her.

Its not just physical attacks you need to protect yourself from. A lot of people have been accused of violence against their partners. By making your concerns known any attempt to place blame on you can be reduced.

Do not bait her. keep no contact. A reply from you that may seem harmless may well trigger her into action.

Whether she is BPD or not you know there is something wrong with her. Protecting yourself is your number one priority.

Its a long road recovering from this type of relationship. It does get easier. Take it from someone who has been through it twice with two uBPD women.

I wish you all the best and we are all here for you.

She slapped me a couple of times during the relationship. She does not have keys to my place and she has not shown up since I escaped. I only escaped because my friend drove me out of town because my ex showed up at three nights in a row. She lives hours away. She did push and shove and scratch me to read my cell phone messages. I had the number blocked for two weeks but unblocked it and she left messages and voicemails about being paranoid. I stupidly called her back and she said she was improving herself. I feel trapped and bound to this person. I want to move but I live alone and no friends or family in this town. I have to keep the number blocked even though she said she would not text or call me. I last saw her in July I drove to her place she was extremely intoxicated and I was worried about her. I saw her mask slip that night. She is evil. We live under two hours apart. How much should I fear she will show up? I don't want to get sucked in again.

Sounds like she lives far enough away for it not to be too much of a worry.

If she did show up what do you think would happen? If you didn't let her in and she caused a scene would you call the police?

The hardest part of these relationships is letting go of the fantasy. The fantasy that we had met our soulmate and things would work out in the end. Even though I knew my exs weren't suited to me I was still in denial for ages. I thought things could work out. This holding on is what drives us to the edge of madness.

Things that have worked in detaching are:

Writing a list of all the pro's and cons. I'd wager the cons outweigh the pros by quite a bit. Even put down the stupid things like wanted me to eat broccoli (like in my case). It may sound stupid but it highlights all the little things they wanted to control or change about you.

Take a trip if you can afford it. Go and do something you've always wanted to that you never could with your ex.

Take up a new hobby. Whether its skydiving or just taking photos with your phone it doesn't matter.

Be creative. This can be anything from mastering a recipe to painting a grand master piece. Anything that at the end of it you can feel proud of.

Decluter. I had a major clear out. Sorted all my things. Washed and ironed all my clothes and hung them up or folded them away. This organising of my physical world made me feel less disorganised mentally.

Pamper yourself. Whether its new clothes or a haicut you will feel better. The more you feel better the more others will notice. Its amazing what a confidence boost it can give you.

Look at yourself now and think of who you want to be. Every day do something that takes you a step closer to being that person. With every step towards the new you you will get a step further from the old you and your ex.