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I'm allowed to be angry when my partner takes things out on me that are entirely unrelated to me. He's allowed to feel stressed.

I'm allowed to be upset at being the target of that anger. I'm allowed to be angry. It's not fair. It's not rational, but it is understandable. I don't have to suppress it and pretend everything is fine. I can seek validation elsewhere. I understand he can't control it well. He feels extreme emotions, we can discuss it, I can validate it, but he doesn't have the skills to accept/temper these emotions.


Progress lies in awareness. Rationalisation. Acceptance that these are his emotions and not mine nor my responsibility. Provided I calm myself, avoid escalation, he can calm himself in due time. He doesn't want to be mean or angry towards me. This isn't a reflection of how he feels about me, just a lack of skills. This isn't a reflection of our relationship but a situation where both of us are tired, and more easily triggered.

The way I think about it: I'm willing to hold the punching bag for a limited time to allow her to de-stress. But she must not take me for the bag.

It is not my job to perfectly manage her. If she messes up her self care and reaches her limits there is only so much I'm willing to do. Consequences are so much better in teaching than I am.

Just that. I find myself suppressing my anger again to try to avoid conflict. But really, that's not how I should handle it. I only have a set limit on how much I can handle at a time and sometimes I can't handle anymore and that's when I need to remove myself from the situation emotionally and sometimes physically.

The only real progress I see is him calming down quicker and things being normal once more. But is that actual progress. I mean, I'm exhausted by the outburst and it takes me longer to recover than usual. And he's still experiencing so much dysregulation. Just because it's not directed at me, doesn't change that it happens.

I've made a ton of progress, but he's still stuck in old patterns, slightly improved.

If you dont trip your own anger fuse quick enough and try to toughen it out, then it builds up to resentment which starts to shorten the fuse.

So knowing when to flip your tolerance switch is vital to avoid this. Once you can master this you will find you can actually tolerate more as you then own it as a choice rather than an obligation.

Resentment is fed by the feeling have not having a choice.

Making educated choices is our best tonic

"I'm exhausted by the outburst and it takes me longer to recover than usual."

It's good that you are aware of this about yourself. It seems some people can blow off steam and then they feel better while the person on the receiving end doesn't. Sometimes, after the outburst, it is over for some people- they have forgotten about the incident and the person they have gotten upset at isn't.

I think this has a lot to do about our own boundaries, and our own triggers. Anger is a tough one for me too. It was a scary thing for me to face as a child. Although I keep in mind now that an angry response in someone is not necessarily the same thing for me as an adult, it still can be a challenge for me to deal with.

You have the key: self care. I do have to take some time to myself, do something I enjoy, spend some time alone.

I agree we have the right to our own feelings and anger is one of them. It's a skill to learn how to respond to that. I also pay close attention to when I am feeling resentment. The key is: self awareness.

I think you have made considerable progress in understanding yourself... .and we are all a work in progress.