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After reading all the anger comments(and being right there with you)... .it was said that living well was the best revenge, so how do we go about doing that. Someone brought up that we must all have similar traits that we may need to work on... .what do you think those traits are and what can we do to help ourselves move on?

For me, I believe I am co-dependant. I wanted to believe the fantasy that someone could love me that much. (in the beginning) I refused to see things as they really were and denied the truth of the situation. Thinking I could "fix" someone... .although it did seem to work for awhile, further feeding my fantasy and ego. It seems ego is an issue with all of us as well. I also have the need to be needed.

I am not the revenge type, but in my opinion living well and loving yourself is the best thing that you can do. As compared to a person who is suffering from BPD or another personality disorder, it is easier for you to change traits that you may need to work on.  For a personality disordered person, it is extremely hard to change life long maladaptive coping mechanisms, distorted thinking, and behavior. It can take years with therapy.

I think the most common trait I see on here is gaining self-esteem and self-worth through another person. Essentially that is dependency or co-dependent behaviors or traits. What that boils down to is a deficiency in loving ourselves.

I have had a problem with boundaries. It has been pretty much anything goes with me. I spent the majority of my life people pleasing and engaging in obsequious behavior in order to prevent abandonment. I would be afraid to speak my mind, because I felt that person would leave me or not love me anymore. The more I kept doing this and gaining approval from everyone, the more I felt loved. In reality, doing all of this, I abandoned self-love.


I understand that you may feel that your pwBPD did not love you that much. I do not want to generalize, but he did love you that much. PwBPD have very intense emotions/feelings, which include love. There is a tendency to forget about that and focus on all of the negative ones. Although there may be a "need" from a pwBPD/other personality disorders, that does not negate that they have feelings, and those feelings do include love.

I think many people wanted to fix their pwBPD. It is instinctive to want to help someone you love. I think it becomes problematic when we cannot accept that we cannot fix them. We can only fix ourselves. What made you feel like you could fix him? 

Thanks- He was young and in a bad place in his life. Everyone including him, said I did help him very much. I straightened out his credit so he was able to buy a house, I helped him have confidence to be able to move up in his career. He cut back on drinking... .The only thing with this is he now has wrecked his credit, we sold the house, he is back to drinking more than ever and he isn't up for a promotion, first time in 8 years- didn't even make the list! Showed me, you can't really "fix" them... .I have boundaries issues as well. I am working on all of these things... .I am making strides. I appreciate you telling me he loved me. It's just to see him tell someone else that so quickly on Facebook, makes me feel like it's not as much as I loved him. It's sad really. He is repeating the pattern, she chased him, just as I did. Only thing, I was his rock and she thinks he is hers... .he won't be able to keep that up for sure. I can only worry about me, but for some reason, I still worry about him.

You did help him during his time of need. In my opinion, that speaks very loudly. That suggests that you are very altruistic, benevolent, kind, compassionate, and loving. Those are fantastic qualities and should be ones that you focus on as well as your co-dependent ones.  :)


You cannot fix anyone. Although it shows me that you can help people, but it is up to them to make the changes necessary to fix themselves. I understand how tough it is to see someone that you love and care about self-sabotage. I struggle watching my pwBPD self-sabotage. It was tough seeing him reverting to substances and self-destruction in order to cope. At the core of me, I am a helper. I had to let go of my need to help him. It made me feel that I let him down and sad that I could not do more. I got to a point where I accepted that it is up to him to make changes and  I can only change myself.  I started focusing on my helper qualities and started directing them elsewhere, like volunteering.

Helper qualities can be a facet of co-dependency or dependency and those qualities are inherent in many of us. Changing what we expect from helping someone is the key.


This is something to be proud of, understanding your 'flaws' and working on changing them. It is not easy to change.


It is understandable to think this way. Behavior tends to be a pattern. If he told you that he loved you very quickly, it is likely that he has told the new gf that. That does not mean that you meant nothing to him, it is just the way he seems to attach himself to someone very quickly.  Although it may seem the same, it is really apples and oranges.

It is okay to worry and care about people, even though you are not with them. That is empathy and compassion, which is human nature. Taking care and worrying about yourself is most important.