BPDFamily.com

Hello 

I've been divorced for four years now and haven't started dating again yet. My marriage was very rocky and I don't understand the reasons I choose such a bad marriage partner. We went to a lot of counseling and therapy together so my husband was formally diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, alcoholism and antisocial personality disorder. Therapy did seem to improve everything but the apd. He would show no remorse for his actions but he would apologize for them and try to alter them some what. It's difficult to describe. Has anyone here had a partner that suffered from both BPD and apd? Is this common?

*welcome*

Hi, Auslaunder, and welcome to BPD Family! We're glad you found us.

Your ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD, ASPD, PTSD, and substance abuse - any one of those would be hard to deal with, much less all of them together. I can imagine that you've been through the wringer.   We have many members here whose exes or current partners have more than one personality disorder or other mental illness, and who can help support you during your journey to understand and heal.

Your ex-husband was able to improve most of his disordered/destructive behavior, except for the ASPD. This is not at all uncommon. ASPD is a very difficult disorder to treat. You are not alone in having a partner who could not improve their ASPD, even with treatment and therapy.

I would encourage you to look at the Five Stages of Detachment in the sidebar. ========>

What stage do you think you might be in?

I also think you might find the lessons here helpful - Lessons for members who are out of a romantic relationship or divorcing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0)

Again, welcome, and please keep posting. It helps to talk. :)

The Velveteen Rabbit is my favorite children's book. I like your quote!

I think I am still stage 2 or 3. I'm trying to process why I married my husband and what I learned from it. I think I liked the fact that he couldn't see me. He didn't know my hopes or if I was suffering. I was hiding in my own home. I had a role to play and I knew what was expected to make him happy. I forfeited my identity to play a perfect house wife.

I also thought I could help him and rescue him. I knew he had problems but I thought I would be able to fix it.

 :) Thank you, I'm glad you like my quote! It's such a profound, beautiful book, and I think the Skin Horse offers wisdom for the ages.

I actually draw a lot of inspiration and lessons from children's books - authors like A.A. Milne, Margery Williams, Shel Silverstein, E.B. White, Randall Jarrell, Maurice Sendak, and many more - there's a lot of wisdom to be found there.

You do sound like you're doing both self-inquiry and processing. Healing is not a linear process, and I know I personally 'jumped around' between the stages as I detached. The important thing is to just keep working towards that goal of detaching and healing.  |iiii

Self-inquiry is a great place to start uncovering what you learned from the relationship. You've identified several important aspects and feelings. You show good insight into what happened - self-inquiry and processing will help you gain insight on why it happened.

SELF-INQUIRY [Stage 2] (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/02.htm)

It's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them (engage the emotion) at times and to stand aside from them (be impartial) and to know when each is appropriate.

Breakdown the loss (the situation) to understand it in a clear and balanced way - your part, your partner's part; what is normal relationship "stuff", what was abnormal; what was malicious, what was weakness, or what was ignorance. It's very important to detach from your emotions for this and look at things in a analytical way (use your inner witness).

Breakdown your feelings - try to unmask them. Our anger may really be fear. Feelings of disrespect may really be a fragile ego. Start by probing the feelings and the thoughts that drive the desire or grief or hopelessness in your consciousness, perhaps naming it to yourself (e... g., fear, weakness, disappointment, false hope, etc), and gradually come to understand who you are, who you have been. Explore the energy in the feelings. As you go deeper into this energy, its knotty, sticky quality will start to dissolve—for the time being.

You've done a great job so far breaking down the situation and beginning to identify and examine your feelings. Probing further into those feelings will provide great insights into yourself.

This article may help you with breaking down more of the relationship and the role you might have played - Codependency and Codependent Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

We're very glad you joined us, Auslaunder. 

Um, yeah, when somebody is flat out diagnosed with antisocial pd, it is time to go. It is a whole different level of screwed up in the head... .

Invictus,

Yeah it was a  red-flag! His psychiatrist and the social worker started talking to me about divorcing him after that actually. He had mandated psychiatric therapy because he was in the military, but most people probably wouldn't get as much treatment as he did. I was in denial and thought his emotional detachment, impulsivity, and twisted, dark sense of humor must have been a symptom of the PTSD and combat stress and that he would recover. He was not just a manipulative emotional roller coaster but also senselessly and purposefully cruel.

That's actually very nice of the psychiatrist. Very often because many insurances won't touch anything that has to do with antisocial or NPD, they get misdiagnosed with something else. But, yeah, if I ever date somebody again and either start seeing strong signs or she admits to being diagnosed with a personality disorder, no matter which flavor - I'm walking away. Maybe it sounds a bit harsh, but I don't think I can do this to myself again... .