BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I'm over here for the first time from the coparenting board. I think many of you are on there too so I won't do the whole recap.

DH has finally accepted the need for legal intervention (if a last shot at mediation doesn't work out). We are in the meantime jumping on getting some initial consultations, just to try to be ahead of the game. Given that it sounds like these can run from 30 min to an hour or two, what have you found to be the best way to use that time?

Some things we're thinking of asking about are:

Familiarity/experience with HCPs

Who would they pick to represent them if they were in DH's shoes

More tips?

hi kells76. i didn't have custody questions so i can't help there. however, i'm surprised to hear that an initial consultation might last only 30 minutes. i've had three in my life, one was with an elder lawyer, the others divorce lawyers. one was free for the hour, the other two charged me the hour but gave me all the time i used. in any event, do be ready with all the questions you can think of.

one question of mine,


who is "we"?

Hi maxen, thanks for responding.

The "we" is my husband (kids' dad) & me. I'm just the stepmom though and so I don't make any legal decisions for or about the kids. Me being on here asking some of these questions reflects DH & I divvying up some of the tasks he thinks we need to do (i.e. you call these people to get X info and I'll check online about typical Y experiences, that sort of thing). If that's problematic please don't hesitate to let me know.

That's helpful to hear that initial consults may last longer. Neither of us has talked with a lawyer before so we don't know what to expect initially.

When you say he "gave you all the time" you used, does that mean he only charged you for the time you were actually there talking with him?

I think you're on the right track there. I went with DH to his initial consult with the L (but this was a couple years ago, so I'm having trouble remembering everything we asked).

We described where we were at and where we wanted to be. I think we might have outright said that we suspected uBPDbm had a PD and that she was trying to actively alienate DH from SD. The L described the behavior perfectly (when he used the word "chaos" I knew he was a good one, lol) so I personally felt comfortable that he would "get" our situation. He recommended Our Family Wizard and other tools that I had already learned about from research here and online. That really showed his experience.

You could talk about a going forward plan. You might want to ask about how much work the L will do and how much will be delegated to a paralegal or some kind of assistant (that could help to save you money).

oh not at all, just as long as you know we're all speaking from experience and aren't offering professional advice. i just wasn't clear who the other person in "we" was.


it means i was charged one hour's rate, but was given all the time i wanted: 2 hours (or more iirc) by the elder lawyer and one and a half by one D lawyer, who even said "ask me more questions". 

Ask what your weaknesses and advantages would be in the case.  They can't guarantee there won't be surprises - there always are - but they can tell you what the typical outcomes are.  Don't be disappointed or dejected if the lawyer is cautious.  I recall my lawyer warned me about my expert custody evaluator, said court never went against the recommendation, asked me if I really wanted to risk one.  I did and it was glowing for me, about the only negative was that I documented every detail and was too hyper on disproving every lie and distortion ex made.

What my CE emphasized in his report summary was that "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  Push that in your case, courts don't like parents being obstructive to the other parent.  Courts also are reluctant to give consequences so they may 'fix' some things going forward but not be inclined to give make-up time.

Ask what strategies and options would help your case.  Remember, ex has made this a parenting 'war', not just a quick 'battle' or two.

Remind the lawyer that the typical vagueness in boilerplate clauses can give ex room to reinterpret the order so best to have clear details in the areas where H has had the most problems in the past.  Getting a new order with real clarity can reduce the probability of future need to return to court.

First and foremost is the need to get back his nearly-sidelined parenting.  The longer that goes on, the harder it will to get it back.  Courts are often reluctant to make big changes since they figure the current status can't be all that bad.

This is really helpful so far; thank you all! I'll keep the questions coming  :)

ForeverDad, did you go in to the initial consult WITH a new proposed PP, or did your L develop one with/for you AFTER you retained L? And looking back, would you have done the other option instead?

Maxen, hope there are more L's out there like yours!

Thunderstruck, thanks for the tip on asking about division of work. Sounds like that could help save some $.

It might help to clearly state your goals, and then ask what strategy the lawyer would recommend for reaching those goals.

Ask about tactics:

Depositions, discovery -- are they necessary, could they work

Custody evaluation

Parenting coordinators, if they are used in your state

Then:

Cost of the different tactics

Experience with HCPs

How quickly you can expect the L to return your calls or emails, best way to reach him

How to cut costs (my L charged more to open attachments, for example, and told me to hang onto my documentation until it was time)

An example of a similar case and how it was handled

What the judge assigned to the case is like, what kind of hot buttons the judge has

If the case goes to trial, is the L comfortable trying cases in court?

This document (http://www.gbfamilylaw.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Beth-High-Conflict-Family-Law-Matters.pdf) might also help you gauge whether or not the L is the kind you want to work with, or, it could be something you give to the L (it's written by lawyers, for lawyers). I think asking the L if they have expertise with HCPs won't quite get at the issues -- most people when asked if they have experience will say yes, even if it's not quite your idea of expertise.

Also, it might be good to mention that you don't want the L cutting any deals or postponing or delaying any hearings under any circumstances, unless you are consulted. And explain why, how BPD exes will exploit that to great effect, at your expense.

Hi Kells,

I was on another thread about questions to ask attorney's recently so I thought I'd share the link, hope this helps... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280444.0

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