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My mother, bless her, has struggled all her life with self-esteem and insecurity issues.  She was the generation of women in the 1950s and 1960s who worked outside the home (school teacher) and did all of the housework - believing it was THEIR job to do both.  She was not a happy camper and a lot of her frustration was played out at home.  I am the oldest of her three children and the only daughter.  She created a symbiotic relationship with me early on and it has been hard separating from her emotionally.   I realize that a lot of what she did (yelling, screaming, anger, "I've been around kids all day.  The last thing I want to do is being around kids at home." etc.) was what she developed/knew to survive the hell going on in her head and world.  Several  years ago I could not take her craziness and starting creating more of a distance from her - phoning her once every other week instead of a couple of times a week - to avoid getting sucked into a lot of her drama.  (My father passed away 10 years ago.)  I got my sanity over the past three years and didn't feel crazy, torn, guilty, or conflicted as I was when speaking with her more often.)

Fast forward to now - 2015.  Mom is in assisted living and has dementia.  I took her for the day on Saturday and she is in a clear decline.  She is angry and hostile to the management where she lives but I know she is frightened about what is going on within her.

I am really torn as to what my role is?  I know her so well and past experience dictates that she will take anything I can/will give.  I have run out of work leave more than once with hospitalizations in the past ten years.  When my brothers and I pleaded with her to hire a care giver for her home I heard her indignantly tell a friend that the idea was ludicrous - this was what we were there for.  All three of us live over an hour away.  She can be very vindictive.  Several years ago (while hospitalized) she went down a list of resentments for actions she would never forgive people for.  "I will never forgive so and so for saying this... ."

As in the past I want to be the good girl and try and rush in and "fix" her.  I want to put her in a good mood, want to keep out of her way, ANYTHING to keep peace and to make her happy.  However, she is doubly miserable to be around now... .

thanks for listening.

Lost-n-Space

Anyone else have this experience. 

Hi LostnSpace,

Welcome to bpdfamily


I am sorry to hear your mother's condition is declining. It becomes clear for your post that in spite of her difficult behavior, you still care for her very much and have also been able to empathize with what is going on with her.

I think it's good that you put certain boundaries in place so you could become your own person. I understand your desire to want to keep the peace and make her happy. Unfortunately we can't make other people change and feel happy if they don't want to themselves.

We have some articles here that I think you might find interesting given what you've shared in this post:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest? (https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest)

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

I think these articles can help you get a better understanding of the relationship dynamics with your mother and what your 'role' is.

Take care