BPDFamily.com

This morning I was just thinking of how even wheb I do something nice for my uBPD mom, she still says something martyr like and hurtful even in her thank you... .Like they watched my son last year when he was 2 for 5 days when my husband and I went on one of his work trips... .Along with telling me on the phone "he wasn't eating so I told him we will take you back to mama's house, and then he ate his food AND desert!" When I came back... .She started crying "please leave him wth us sometimes, MD! Everyone's grandkids come and stay with them except us! Please!" Then she started crying that they would miss him (even though they would see him a week later.) A semi normal parent would have said "we had such a great time! Maybe we can do it again sometimes!" I mean she was complaining about how other grandparents had their grandkids stay over, when they JUST had it! Made no sense!

When I used to visit, I used to get tears on how I don't visit and everyone's daughters visit!

She always said we all never go on trips together so my brother, me and my husband surprised them with a trip to NYC all together for a long weekend. Instead of being positive and excited she stared bawling to my husband... ."oh thank you, son in law! I never thought YOU would ever come with us on a trip! Thank you so much!" Then Keeps crying... .

If I go stay over with my son, I get to hear "it's been 5 months since you have slept over!" Even though they may have slept over last week at my house.

So many responses like that. Even when you do what she wants, you still get a tearful miserable response with a martyr message... .So so many cases of this. If I invite her for my son's bday party she will do the "are you SURE you want me to come? We don't want to intrude. I mean you never invite us for other parties at your house, so if you don't want us to come it's fine... " The "other parties" are not their grandson's bday! They are just dinners with our friends etc! Then she will ask me a million times "are you sure you want us to be there?" To test my response. Argh. Makes no sense... .None of it. What's the point in doing anything nice?

These are all Waifish responses. Love the Waif without rescuing her.

If I don't call for 3 weeks, I haven't called in "months." I used to point this out, yet got the same line when I called. I finally got tired of hearing it every time I called, so I told her, "the phone works both ways mom."

Short of her going off on tangents about her chickens or prepping for The Apocalypse, I enjoy talking to her. It can be a tough dynamic to break away from, if it's been One Way for so long.

It drives you nuts, but likely she isn't going to change. You can only change your boundaries.

Gosh your mother is annoying and manipulative!  When I read what you describe, to me, it sounds like her words in these instances stem from insecurity and fear of abandonment.

How have you responded to these sorts of comments?  What do you say in reply?

I'm wondering if we can anticipate and plan some responses you can use, especially after the move.  Chances are, she will just ramp up her behaviors so lets see what we can come up with.  I think it will help you set up your internal boundaries and lessen the impact of her behaviors on you and your husband and son, especially if you eventually plan to move back in a couple of years.  Your son is also going to need a mother who can speak up and firmly say No, stop doing that, etc.  What do you think?

Good call Turkish, I often forget about those classifications!  Waif for the win!  IMO, waif is the most annoying and the one I have the least patience with.  Give me my mostly Queen/Witch mother any day though she would slip into Waif sometimes during the last couple of years of her life.      to you both with full-on waifs.


I would assume the chickens are intimately tied to preparing for the apocalypse and would therefore lump them in the same group.   :)  (couldn't resist!)  My mother was a 'prepper' but on a small scale and her fear revolved around government spying, etc.

My mother is a queen more that can go into waif mode very easily. And her rages are straight out witch. She is likely NpD too... .

How do I respond? Mostly I just pretend to ignore and keep going. Like with the comment about my son... I said well, he just stayed with u... .Her response was yes but going forward and here you had no choice! You HAD to leave him with someone.

I've sometimes responded pointing out the obvious like "I AM visiting!" Only to be told tearfully "yes after x amount of months after I begged and begged!"

Best is, they are so miserable with me leaving but yet, I've always been told "parents who are far away are lucky. They are valued more. No matter what they do everyone thinks it's great." Thanks. So here ya go!

WOW... .I can't believe how similar this is to my Mom! I get so sick of stroking her ego! Since Mom latches on to my friends and calls them her own, I sometimes get into sticky situations.  So several weeks back, our family friends called to come for a visit; wanted to see my daughters.  I must be conditioned to worry... ."what if Mom hears that she wasn't invited and feels upset? I better call her just in case she finds out that Jim and Janet were visiting."  CLASSIC... ."Well, they NEVER call me! But that's nice they're visiting.  Are you sure you want me to come? Just say so.  "  Hell no, I don't want you to come! But I don't want to deal with the backlash if you happen to hear you weren't invited!

The kids birthday parties REALLY stress me out at times.  I don't even want to invite her.  "Well, what will I get out of it? Who's going to be there that I know?" ALL ABOUT HER.  Um, it's your GRANDDAUGHTER'S birthday party, so excuse me if I'm not tailoring the guest list to suit your needs! Recently, my brother's daughter had an out of town party at a gymnastics center.  I texted my Mom the day before to say she was welcome to carpool with us.  I originally was going to go with my daughters alone, but in light of our recent tension, my husband said he wasn't letting me go alone! Well... .Mom was righteously annoyed when she didn't have the opportunity to travel with JUST me (LOVES having me all to herself.  HATES to share me with anyone.) So, she sent some negative response about a gym party being loads of fun, and let me infer that she wouldn't be coming.  Sure enough, she skipped her own granddaughters birthday party; all because WHAT would she possibly get out of it?

Same response was given with my cousins wedding in the states.  Mom's having lots of problems with her two sisters (I love my Aunts! They are the Moms I always wish that I had!).  So, I think out of bitterness, she decided not to go to the wedding, even though travel's NEVER been a financial burden for her.  She said she couldn't imagine the thought of flying such distance for a wedding that she'd get "nothing out of."  People go to weddings to SUPPORT the bride and groom! The fun is simply a bonus.  But fun isn't really part of my Mom's vocabulary.

She's always going on an on about a Mother/Daughter trip.  Really wants to have some special time away with me.  Roughly ten years ago, I remember arranging time off from work in order to go away for a long weekend with her.  I recall calling my Dad in utter despair, telling him what an awful time we were having! Mom saw fit to criticize my then boyfriend (who I'm now happily married to!) among other things.  She likes to hit all the ' hot button'  topics.  Anyways, that was the trip from hell and I don't fancy doing that again anytime soon.  My husband and I always feel such guilt not inviting her along on trips to the mountains, etc.  I know it'd be different if my Dad hadn't passed on.  She literally has NO ONE else! I wouldn't feel guilty about having our family time away without her, but of course we hear the remarks. "Well, I hope you had a good time.  I'm sure you didn't miss your Mom while you were away." 

My girls are starting to ask about Grandma.  She's literally ten minutes down the road.  She has the mini playground at her house that the girls love playing at.  The last time I hinted at us dropping by for a play (possibly a visit with her as well.) she rudely said " I can't work around everyone else's schedule!"  And that's the reason why we haven't shown up.  I keep distracting the girls with other things.  It hurts to know that she'll never be the Grandma they deserve.  The Grandma they deserve lives one province away and has exudes more joy than anyone else I know! I used to resent her for never being "real".  Surely real people admit to having bad days, etc.  But now I just admire her.  Because I know my Mom has never truly felt joy.  She's either low... .or somewhere in the middle... .or raging mad.  I can't stand to be around someone like that.  Have you ever leveled with your Mom and said "Look... .this is how I see it... ." ? Is it possible to do this? What's the worse that can happen? I'll get a lecture on what a horrible daughter I am? I can't stand it. 

Thanks for listening.

My snarky comment would be, "you're right mom, we didn't!" Hey, it's validating, right?

Seriously, though, you sound sad that your daughters are asking about grandma like that. Do they pick up on her behaviors at all, or do they just know that they don't see her much? Maybe an age-appropriate response would be good, like, "I know you're wondering about GM and would like to go over to visit and play, but GM is getting older, and needs a lot of time to herself these days. We'll see her when we see her." As they age, they'll probably pick up on things more.