BPDFamily.com

Dear all,

Here’s my story.

My gf and I have been together for 8 years now but still I was not able to make any firm connection with her such as children, marriage, buying a house etc...

This because I doubt a lot if she is the one for me.  During all this time a lot of things happened justifying my doubts but I really have issues to let her go.

By accident I found this forum and just like everyone on here I see a lot of similarities with the situation I’m in today.

First of all I would like to point out that my gf never is diagnosed BPD , neither am I.

Although I already noticed a lot of the symptoms of BPD during our years together.

Maybe I should mention that when my gf was a teenager her father committed adultery several times and in the end her parents got divorced.

That was a huge bang in her face and she never really got over it. In the beginning most of our relation difficulties were caused by this family tragedy, although that’s what I assumed.

In the two first weeks of the relationship we already slept together (which  I think is way too early) but she kept on asking me to go to her home. I know I could have refused, but I was head over heels in love with her and did not want to lose her.

Blind as I was, I started to change my life view and gave up my personal values, this to please her. When I was invited by a friend I always had to look for an excuse to cancel the invitation so she would not have to sit the whole evening alone.

Of course I was frustrated but I also saw that when not following her wishes, she could become very angry. So in order to avoid the conflict I did what she wanted.  I also noticed that she did not have a lot of friends, or at least she didn’t do anything to see them.

When she wanted to go for a walk, she wanted me to go with her. When she wanted  to go for shopping, I needed to go with her. If she wanted to go to sleep, I had to go with her (even I wanted to see a football game). Again, I agree with the people here who will criticize me  for following her instructions and not setting boundaries. I thought that doing good for somebody would do some good to myself, unfortunately.

I’m too ashamed to talk about some of our discussions, but will sum up a few just to show how things got escalated for stupid things.

•   I was told to put on the radio because it annoys her some noises are coming out of my mouth while eating. When I told her to do it, her reaction was over the top.

•   I once changed the radio channel and she was furious (we have a different music taste)

•   She wants me to enter the house with special shoes so the floor would be clean for a long time

•   In the beginning I was not allowed to lay down in the sofa, I was only allowed to sit in it

When we have a discussion in the evening, I want to solve the issue before we end up in bed because it would keep me awake the whole night.

She thought the silent treatment was the better option and ignored me for hours even I was trying to have a proper discussion with her.

When my energy got low and wanted to stop debating, I went to sleep to another room. But then she started to knock on the wall until I came back to her (HELP).

Then the “crying like a baby” part started and finally I ended up giving hugs so she would be fine again. This did happen more than once…

Another thing is that she always threatens to leave me. In the beginning she went to the garage, stepped into the car just to show me she meant it.

I offered my apologies even I’m sure I didn’t had to. For her it was a sign I wanted to fight for her and she was the one in control.

Again this happened a few times until I knew she was manipulating me. So one day I decided to let her drive away (with her luggage, clothes etc.), ten minutes later she came back to my house ignoring me for the whole day.

Her plan failed (she expected me to send her a message or to call her to ask “please come back”).

Then there are the rages, crying theatrical, knocking on the walls, verbally abuse, slamming doors, throwing glasses.

You have to know I’m a very patient person but when these kind of things happen I could go crazy.

There are a lot of other stories which I will keep for myself but all these things makes it impossible to think we could have a good future together even I know she can have a good heart too.

Sometimes I think that her wish to have a baby, an own house, being married is part of her frustration although she knows I would love to have all these things with a girl. But I just cannot erase the negative feelings in my mind and probably I will stay undecided forever which is not good for both of us in the long term.

I tried to break up a few times, but she always stayed and I could not bear to see her broken heart.

Now three months ago, something serious happened in my life, I met a girl at my work and feel connected with her. My home situation was bad for years so after a new rage of my gf I decided to break up again and was ready to give my heart to someone else.

After two weeks being stubborn, I saw my gf was so broken she didn’t eat anymore, she cried the whole day (it makes me believe she must really love me) so I finally let her stay again and now I’m in the middle of a crisis. I told my gf of that other girl so she knows I was seriously thinking of leaving her. Now she is soo sweet to me, that I cannot find any reasons to let her go.

The other girl which I still like and see every day is having high hopes I will leave my gf for her and she has reasons to believe so because I like her a lot and maybe I said it her too many times already.

My question: Can someone tell me if a BPD person can change her behavior for a long time? I’m so scared she will be the old one again once I finally made a decision in my head to choose for her.

Any advice would be welcome!

First of all, don't be ashamed of conversations or arguments I think most if not all of the people on this board have had similar insanity provoking arguments, conversations and disagreements.

As to whether or not they can change, yes they can but it takes a lot of work on your part and a lot of work on the disordered persons part. That is the tricky thing, they may get better temporarily and then go back to old habits once something goes wrong. My husband had gotten 100x better but I see him slipping back into old patterns and it breaks my heart. If you stay with your gf, just know that she will probably always be a little bit of what she is now. There is a lot of information on this board and you are definitely in the right place.

Just so you know, any question is not a stupid question, any fight you have someone on this board has probably had it with their spouse and every one of us understands the madness that you are going through. Welcome!

Well, if she has BPD(and the traits you listed sound familiar), I'd bet once she knows you've "chosen her" she'll revert to her old behaviors. Maybe not right away, but it's just like they can't help it. Plus, I'd bet she'll try to punish you for finding someone else that interested you. That will likely set off all sorts of insecurities(as it would even if she didn't have BPD), and that will be more issues to deal with.

Right now, she's trying to win you back, and she's scared. It is very hard to change, just as Cloudy Days said, and I think even more so when you have BPD. And as she said, they have slip ups where they slide back into old patterns. My BPDh has just done this, and he's in DBT therapy, which is highly recommended for BPD.

You have to decided if this is something  you can put up with long term. It can get better, but she has to want to get help, or take some responsibility for her behaviors. As it is now, she seems to just want to blame you, which is a huge trait of BPD.