BPDFamily.com

This has been the most crazy heart-wrenching roller coaster of a relationship. Been almost a year.   So why am I still hanging onto this hope that things could get better?  I don't even have the time to go into all the heinous things that have happened - but Im really torn up about yesterday.  These are texts word for word from my 35 yr old BPDbf (not sure if he is diagnosed, think he is lying about his therapist and diagnosis... .long story). 

Got this text out of the blue - this is where it starts- we'd had a great night and morning together, kissed when he went to work... .had plans to see a play that evening.  All was well!

I text a picture of my dog passed out/cuddly who stayed with us the night before with this caption--( he started barking early in the morning):

Me:

11:16am:  "I'm sorry for the noise i made because i had to go out.  this is normally what im like in the morning" (cute sleepy picture)

BPDbf:  "its ok. its your mother's fault. and, im mad at her because she didn't want to snuggle last night. apparently she likes you more. you are pretty cute."

Me: "me not wanting to snuggle?" (we had snuggled A LOT)


BPDbf:

2:02: "I'm Done"

(I did not respond because i've told him i won't engage over text.  and saying "im done" over nothing was insulting and ridiculous.  i was also at work)

2:22: "I can't believe you. You don't even care do you? why do you play with my heart like this? does it make you feel good?"

2:23: "its all about you, huh?"

3:20: " i cannot believe you don't care enough to write anything. how can you be so selfish and hurtful to someone you siad you loved?  it was all just a big joke to you, wasn't it? I'm not saying this dramatically. I'm really hurt and broken down."

3:45: "and you don't care"

        "i don't thnk i can deal with this feeling anymore and its not going away"

        "the fact that you don't care enough to say anything is destroying me"

        "i keep picturing you laughing at all these text messages.  I feel like such a pathetic loser... .i don't want to be here anymore. You win."

3:53: "Ive always known that i was a pathetic meaningless loser but your manipulation has pushed me over the edge and made me finally be able to answer the question of why i don't do something about it?  why do i give you the satisfaction of hurting me for no reason other than your own selfish feelings? the answer, i won't, im finally able to do what i was afraid to... .you played with my heart for no reason, and theres no going back... .thank you. i now have the courage to do what i should have done a long time ago. goodbye."

Me: "_______ you need to call your counselor.  Or please call this number (suicide hotline).  You need to take a step back and think about this.  I love you and care about you!  You just broke up with me in a text, and then wanted me to console your feelings?  you aren't viewing this situation correctly."

BPDbf: " You are so insulting."

          "I didnt' break up with you"

          "I told you how horribly i was feeling and you didn't care enough to even call or text"

Me: " "I'm done" -- that's what you said"

BPDbf: "SO? you don't even care! You've never cared"

Me: "I won't do this with you."

BPDbf: " You didn't care when i tried to kill myself the last time."

          "It will be over soon"

Me: "Where are you"

BPDbf: "You never cared"

Me: "I've always cared. And still do."

BPDbf: "It enrages me to think about all of the signs youve given me over time that you didn't care... .suicide"

          "BULL___!"

          "you hate me"

          "you think im a loser with no friends"

           "youve called me a psycho"

          "it doesn't matter"

Me: "_______, my class is starting. please call your therapist. right now."

BPDbf: " You're right about me"

Me:  "none of what your saying is true. at all."

BPDbf: "I am a loser and i don't deserve anyone to love or care about me"

          "i deserve to die"

          " goodbye"

Me: "I am calling the ______, and calling the police"

BPDbf: "you don't believe (or care) that i'll do it"

          "but youre wrong"

Me: "Where are you"

      "(suicide hotline #) -- please call for help"

      " I love you and I care about you!"

He stopped responding.

Didn't hear from him. Had to leave my work and go to his apartment.  I was greeted with hostility and more accusations of being horrible, manipulative, not caring or ever loving him.  When i finally broke down crying and saying i needed out of this relationship y, he BEGGED ME TO STAY.  Started crazy apologies.  asking why i couldnt see how he got to believing that i didn't care because i wasn't responding... .  and asked me how I could do this and how could i end things with him?  that "our love was so deep and strong... .how could i not know that?"

of course he had just said he didn't even believe that i loved him?  The conversation went NOWHERE. Just an awful spiral.  I HAD to leave because i had a play to see (he was supposed to come with me) ... .he followed me to my car saying "don't walk out on this! you can't leave right now!"

got an apology email later where he takes ownership of it all being in his head and that he is so sorry and loves me so much and a slew of excuses and reasons why it went there.

I've tried to break up with him before but he stalks me.  calls. emails. shows up at my house. "runs into me" on the street.  Im so attached to him and care about him so much but my life is falling apart and im in so much pain with these ups and downs!

Oh I can so totally relate but you know what I did? Call in a long distance suicide intervention from out of state (I'm in a long distance relationship) and that never happened again. It resulted in him having to stay a week in a psychiatric hospital and I'm glad. We're still going strong today.

The struggle over text messaging never ends. I've made it very clear to my pwBPD that he is not to text me over emotional content, good or bad, because it never ends well. Either he insults me or I hurt his feeling by not responding the right way.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to hold your boundaries with a pwBPD. I wish you luck. What are you doing to take care of yourself?

I know how hard this is - I did it for a year and a half... .

6 months out - hardest thing I ever had to do was to walk away, but it was affecting me, my life and my children.

Its impossible to live with the ups downs, push pulls, abuse - adoration, I hate you - I love you, and suicide threats.

BPD is a horrible illness from which the person suffering has to help themselves. My ex always told me it was my fault he had it, I had given it to him because he refused and probably always will refuse to accept it. Therefore will never begin to recover from it.

Please put yourself first. Walk away - and GOD I KNOW its hard. You will always care, always love them and ALWAYS hope it will get better but it doesn't. And it breaks you as a person but you cant fix them. they want you to so very badly but nothing you will ever do will be the right thing.

And also - and YES this is really hard! But cut ALL contact. Block and delete numbers, don't look at social media, DO NOT engage in conversation - I tried but like you put its a spiral and you end up right where you broke off because nothing ever changes. If you are being stalked and harassed take the appropriate legal action. But put YOU first. You cant fix a broken person - no matter how hard you try, you only keep cutting yourself open on the pieces... .

thank you for this post... .it really helps to know that someone else has been through this.

 :'( WOW! This is exactly where I am at now. Thanks for sharing as it makes me BELIEVE that I am not crazy. I know I have to be done with my BPD wife but I always feel there is something more I can do. I have failed to make it better and it just keeps getting worse. 3 weeks ago she took an entire bottle of Lamictal. I called the poison control and looked online. She was not going to die, so I let her sleep it off. Horrible sight, she couldnt move or talk. She begged me not to say anything to anybody. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting her. She has had this very painful feeling in her stomach for a few months. We have been to the doctors and ER's several times. No one could diagnose it. She just read the long term side effects of the drug (7 years) and found that to be one. She quit taking her lamictal yesterday and I am at work now (8:30pm, own my own business) afraid to go home as we had about 5 hours of finger pointing and insult texting between us. I feel distraught and have NO idea what to do right now. I dont know if I am going to go home and find a dead body or what. She has thrown everything to hurt me and make me look like the victimizer out on FB today. Wow, that makes me feel even lower. I feel like I am totally responsible for all of her behaviors and issues. She is a great manipulator. Roller coaster... .great one day and the next I am living with another person and I am supposed to automatically know what "I" did to rock the boat. I guess I have a "side lover" that I dont even know about as well. Im ready to check myself into a hospital. She HAS been diagnosed but unfortunately no body ever bothered to explained to me, what to expect. She quit therapy. I still go (been a couple years) My therapist knows her and says to give up. I keep on trying. I dont understand why I do. I am a mess too. Sorry if I should have put this somewhere else,... .your story just helped me see more of a reality that I have been in denial about. I have clung onto the info here for the past few weeks. I was here about 1 year ago and thought we were ok for a minute so I didnt come back. Im glad you guys are still here for me cuz I need you now.bad

Citylist-

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through as well. I think what's helpful here is to realize that a lot of our situations with our BPD partners are not unique! Doesn't make it less heart wrenching ... .

I too have experienced the hours and hours of text fighting that's going no where-- today actually. I can't seem to remove myself from this relationship either- why do we stay for all the pain, wallowing in shame, guilt and confusion? I don't know.

Thanks for sharing your story - stay strong and take care of yourself!

was she prescribed the lamictl for the BPD? also does she get her blood levels checked every 6 month?

The lamictal was actually prescribed several years ago for Bi-Polar. This was supposed to be taken with other drugs but she didnt like the combination so she took the diagnosis, continued on the Lamictal only and quit the psychiatrist to see a therapist, with diagnosis in hand. The she diagnosed herself and received a 2nd opinion for BPD. Still taking only the Lamictal and getting it refilled by her family Dr who never questions it. When she goes in every 6 months for her med review, they ask how she is doing and thats it. I asked her if I could go with her this week to see her psychiatrist for her med review and we are now getting divorced... .thats how bad she keeps me away from her progress... .which is not very good progress and nothing ever changes. My head is completely upside down. I have no friends now. My family has heard all of this so many times, they dont want to hear anything about it anymore and there are no support groups around anywhere for support. I feel so all alone, no esteem anymore, no ambition, cant think straight etc. I guess maybe I should just go thru with this divorce and see where everything ends up. Its like an addiction after 12 years. I so want a healthy relationship/marriage where I can relax and know what to expect. My denial is so strong and keeping me thinking this will change, but the truth is, its not going to. She is in survival mode and likes to stay there with all of her manipulating crap, weed and alcohol. Self medicate is all she has ever done except for 10 minutes of growth and awareness every 4 months. God help me and thank God Im not a depressed person, I'd be in real real trouble

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I wish you the best of luck.

I can so relate to your "text messages" post.  It sounds like the text messages I get from my BPDh.  We are have been separated for 6 months and have been married 40 years. It has taken me a lifetime to understand his illness and realize that I wasn't really losing my mind with our conversations that just went round and round. I wish there were groups like years ago.  In addition to being married 40 years, we dated for 6 years.  I was just 13 when I met my BPDh.  So this has truly been a way of life for me for a very long time.  It hurts me that our 2 daughters had to live through the chaos and roller coaster rides. Now I just have to make the decision to end the marriage or reconcile.  Even now, there are times when I think there might be hope just to be disappointed. I am grateful for the separation and the peace and quiet I have had over the last several months.  I finally stopped walking on egg shells in my own home :)