BPDFamily.com

Hi,

My partner always wants to get out of the house, and I want him to too as it's good for him.  We nearly always go out on the weekend, but he's asked what we'll do this weekend.  The usual places I either can't afford, or he doesn't want to go to because he's bored of them.  There's pretty much nowhere else I can think of that he'd want to do, but he's accusing me of deciding that I don't want to go out.  He's done this a couple times before and now he's getting angry.  He does this with food.  He asked what we should have for dinner, but everything I suggest, he doesn't want, and he says he finds it too stressful trying to think of something.  If I can't think of something, I'm being selfish and choosing not to.

I'm now finding it very stressful.  He can't think of something to do, and says it's too stressful to think about it.  So he's saying I have to.

I'm not sure how to respond.  Any advice?

Hi akira85, welcome to the board


I think now's the time to get creative :)  Is there anything you've been wanting to do?  Are we talking daytime or nighttime activity, both?  There are a lot of things to do that don't cost much money.  What are your interests?  His?  If he poo poo's every suggestion, you might enjoy taking yourself out *)  He might decide it sounds like a pretty good idea, too.

Think something like this might work?

Hmmm... .I've been to the indecisiveness over meals with an ex before (non-BPD).

Do you guys cook your own dinner?

A fun one to do is get a cookbook of your favorite chef and pick one at random to prepare with your partner. You learn to cook, spend time with each other, and [hopefully] have a delicious meal to share at the end of it.

Thanks for the suggestion.  Unfortunately I've been through all the events listings in the nearby counties, and there's nothing that would interest him.  I'm not really concerned about my interests so much as his.  I'm fine being in or out on the weekend, just hanging around town or going to the park, but he finds that all boring, or something he can do any weekday.  We often go to the cinema, but he doesn't want to do that on weekends, as, again, that's a weekday thing to him.

And taking myself out is leaving him in, which kinda defeats the point. :/

Yes, we often cook our own dinner, but he wants to get out of the house, and I don't blame him as he's stuck in all day most days.

My fear is that, even if I manage to find something to do this weekend, he'll want something different the following weekend, so it'll be and endless stream of new things to do, which are local, cost very little, would occupy a whole day, and are things he'd be interested in.  It seems like an impossible task.

What's keeping him stuck inside most days?


Hmm, it might be.  I certainly wouldn't want to be in charge of all the entertainment in my relationship, coming up with new things to do every weekend to keep the peace and him happy

Can you accept that it isn't possible to be that person?

Here's a link to Radical Acceptance: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

It takes a while to absorb all these concepts, yet they are life changers once we do.

You are getting stuck in the appeasement cycle. This is part of neediness. It sets a precedent and drains you.

What you need to do is have a default for you unless he can come up with a better option." This is what I am going to do unless you come up with an alternative"... Yes he will jump up and down, as he wants to pass the responsibility to you.

Do it often enough,he will get used to it, and you will always have something to do rather living your life pending his approval,

My wife always needs to have plans fixed in concrete, not maybes or possibilities. The problem is she ALWAYS changes her mind so non of the concrete plans ever eventuate. It used to leave me with all the pressure of coming up with plans, yet never doing anything. You can waste your life away easily waiting on the decisions of others.

Organize your life around you, you are the stable one.

Hi akira85,


your fear is understandable. PwBPD like predictability and consistency as it helps to reduce stress. I recently brought my wife flowers 2 weeks in a row and guess what happened when they did not arrive the third week. It was noted and I was accused of breaking a habit lol. But then what sort of life is that when you fear the consequences of good deeds?

Here is a thought: Things that happen surprising and spontaneous or change may irritate a bit (and irritation if not carefully handled can lead to blow ups)  but they add unique experience and spice to our lives. And in retrospect they are highly appreciated.

It is impossible to be an entertainer 24/7. Don't try this. What you are lacking is the ability to properly deal with his disappointment, irritation, him being bored or feeling empty. Read up on validation and avoiding JADE. Telling him that he is sad, disappointed that nothing is planned, does not know what to do, is bored out of his mind, struggles to motivate himself to get started, feels locked in, afraid you won't like his ideas, struggles to come up with ideas, is afraid to disappoint you (choose appropriate and voice in words that fit your relationship) etc. will go a long way soothing his feelings.