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For those that know my story, I've been living with my BPDexgf for the past 8 weeks or so since our break up.  Well, I just finished packing up her things and watched her pull out the driveway on her way to the airport.  We've said our goodbyes.

I'm not going to lie, it was a lot tougher than I thought it'd be.  I only expected to feel relief but as soon as she turned the corner everything came flooding back--all the pain and helplessness, feelings of letting other people down by not being able to save them from whatever it is I think they need saving from.  Tremendous guilt, frustration.  I recognize the emotional pain--it's the exact same pain I've felt it towards my mom, my dad, my sister, one of my best friends who was murdered at a spot we used to always hang out together (I couldn't make it that night), another one of my friends that I watched go down a spiral of drugs and alcohol.  In fact, I think it's the only pain I've ever felt for as long as I can remember--the only difference is the perceived source of it.

I'm thinking it's just extinction burst.  I've detached myself from the relationship; wouldn't even be tempted to try and go back; but I don't know why I feel personally responsible for the people I care about.  I wish I could say that I trust her to take care of herself, but I don't.  I don't trust her to find happiness in this life or to avoid situations that will be damaging to her.  But I also recognize that it's tremendously arrogant and egotistical to think that I have the control or ability to keep people from getting hurt.

I feel responsible for her childhood.  I feel like I should have been there to protect her.  Totally irrational, but it still hurts.  Really, I know that I'll get over it.  I no longer feel responsible for my mom or dad or sister or my friends; and one day I won't feel responsible for her either.  But right now it's tough. 

Hi Gameover

Its hard for some of us not to blame our selves. Were just built that way just like a pwBPD is built their way.

I feel for you. The relief for me wasn't instant either.

Ive also blamed myself for things that happened to my exs even before I knew them. Its crazy isn't it how we can feel responsible for so many things that we had no control over.

Im normally a logical person but my logic circuit seemed to switch off when it came to the relationships. Im now using the logic circuit again and applying it.

Its funny but the strangest thing I found in the beginning was how it was uncomfortable not walking on egg shells. I'd got so used to doing it that not doing it felt odd.

  hey gameover,

I'm REALLY SORRY about the rough day. Sounds pretty heavy. Somehow, although you knew this day was fast approaching, nothing could've prepared you for the emotion that followed. I fully relate to those feelings/thoughts you had today. I experienced them full force when I sent my uxBPDh away for the first time in Feb this year.

This is completely expected and natural. You have devoted your entire being to her and now she's gone. I had to remind myself (like you are doing, which is so great by the way) that I WILL succeed with detaching emotionally, in my own time, my way.

It's commendable that you still have rays of positivity resonating through your pain. This just solidifies that you will triumph-you are just processing the emotions right now, allowing yourself to grieve one final time.

We are here for you!  

 

I just wanted to give you a hug.

I have been there and remember it clearly.

Thanks for the kind words y'all.  Feeling much better--almost giddy; so I'm sure I'll be up and down a few times before I reach equilibrium again.  But I think the past couple hours was the worst of it.

Definitely makes me more empathetic to those who still live in close proximity with their exes.  If she had been there, or I had the idea that she might be available to be there, to comfort me through all this, I could see how that could make me dependent on her for relief.  Feels good to be able to soothe myself.

Hey there gameover, I'm really sorry. That sounds super tough on you.



It will be up and down from here, certainly. You seem to be aware of that, and I'm glad that you're having a better day.

How are you going about self-soothing today?

Have some work-related obligations and some things to take care of around the house.  Probably going out later to hang out with some former coworkers after they get off.  Mostly for me, though, self-soothing is a mental process. 

Remember that there are 7 stages to grieving... .you are grieving indeed... .breakup is a loss.

Be kind to yourself.  Healing is a process.