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Trying to finally do what's best for me and break away from my BPDbf. I felt so sure of the decision, I'm so broken down and have nothing left to give emotionally. Yet, I'm doubting it all now and the pain is excruciating and I just want to reconnect with him. I'm even negotiating with myself thatbincould have one more night and then break it off again, it can't be any worse, right?

I'm Ignoring the emails pouring in, trying to maintain no contact. I know that if I engage with him at all I'll fall right back down the spiral.

Does anyone have advice on how to get through this and stay strong? How can I want to be back with him so much when he treated me so horribly and put me through so much emotional pain?

Hi Cm3557

When I split up with my exgf I still lived under the same roof for a month. It was agony not being able to reach out for her but in a way easier as she was a constant reminder of how I had been treated.

Sitting down and writing down everything that upset you may help you focus and stay strong. Being able to remind yourself of why you want out may reduce the urge to reach out to him.

Distraction is another valuable tool. The hardest times are when you are alone and have time to think.

Going no contact and blocking their number and email address can help. By not having them pop up unannounced or worrying if they will contact you then you will have a little bit less stress.

This site is also great. Being able to vent and chat to people that understand is a great help.

EM

first off look at you - look after you put yourself first.

Your head is going to be full of lots of confused mashed up thoughts from a fried brain - I started a blog - best thing I ever did - all the rubbish that was swimming around my head came out in a healthy way - I am sure I repeated myself 3 million times or that is what it felt like trying to make sense of the crazy.

Take up a sport, exercise is great, anything, hiking, racket sports anything that will release endorphins, it will slowly benefit you in every way.

Look at self care, eat healthily, socialise and start enjoying yourself and your life again.

I know it seems easier said than done, bu give yourself an aim a challenge and go for it, it does get better. I am nearly 10 months out nearly 4 stone lighter, I can now look back at crazy and laugh at the classic phrases she came out with. I am happier, healthier than I have been in a long time. It takes time but you will get there.

I've mentioned this before the board, and I'd like to share it again with you.

The depths I reach are limitless. This is a line from a nine inch nails song that I love. To me, as a recoverying alcoholic, I interpret through the lens of hitting rock bottom. Where one's rock bottom lies is ultimately a matter of choice. For one alcoholic, rock bottom could be getting a dui. For another, it might be going to jail multiple times. Then for another rock bottom might be death.

I think using this insight while evaluating the addictive nature of BPD relationships is useful. How much heartache and turmoil before you reach rock bottom? only you can answer that question.

It's also incredibly useful to know the your body is physically going through withdrawals following a breakup. This insight I gleaned from the journey from abandonment to healing, recommended on this site. The attachment to your partner caused your brain to excrete some neurotransmitters. Now that your attachment has been severed, those neurotransmitters are no longer as abundent. You'll forgive me if I don't have the science completely right. The point is, what you are experiencing, your intense yearning to reconnect, is a normal part of the recovery process. Just like an addict has an intense yearning for his drug of choice. Similar brain mechanisms are at play.

As for your question about how you could want to return to such a debilitating relations shop... .Isn't it baffling? Here is a quote from David richo.

The grief at the end of a relationship comes from no longer getting one’s needs met, especially the five A’s. (Attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing) We think we only feel it at the very end, but we have probably felt it during the relationship, too. At the end and afterward, we remember the grief we felt during the relationship not only the grief we felt at the end. Perhaps we did not notice it before because we were raising children, having dinner, having sex, going to movies, sharing cocktails, hanging curtains. Ironically, the worse the relationship was, the worse our grief will be. This is because when we end a very difficult relationship, we are not only letting go of a partner but of all the hope and work we invested in trying to keep alive something that had expired long before. We thought wrongly—and sadly—that those five A’s were in her somewhere and all we had to do was keep trying to evoke them and someday we would see them emerge. Now we finally have to admit that such a someday will never come.