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My gf didn't know what she wanted throughout the whole relationship

We were together for 2 years and two months

Let me tell you my part of the story

I keep hearing how I'm such an ******* but listen my side

We started off as co workers in oreilly auto parts

In the beginning she started flirting with me and I became interested so I started flirting back

We started hanging out and becoming closer together

Couple weeks go by and she asks me to go to Her friends house NYE 2012-2013

Middle of the night at 12 am she lunges towards me and kisses me

This makes me think she wants to be closer

Another week goes by and we go to a work party together

End of the night while driving her home,she asks me if I want to know something funny.

I'm like sure what is it?

She asks me do I know how much she wants to **** me

Me having feelings for her made me think this is next step towards a relationship

We arrive at her house and we end up having sex for a little

Two weeks later,during her closing shift,I decide to bring her flowers and ask her maybe if she would be interested in being more than friends

She denied me and told me that she doesn't know what she wants

At this moment I felt led on

Making out with me,having sex with me,hanging out and texting like a couple,all while flirting with me and she doesn't know what she wants?

What the hell is up with that?

I started to ask her what the heck is your problem

She told me she doesn't want to hurt me

Obviosuly she didn't notice that she already did hurt me

Next couple months were brutal

Working as coworkers and going through all of that

She continued to visit me at the end of her shift and continued talking to me and flirting with me as if nothing even happened

I started to meet new people that told me she is a big flirt and just likes to mess around with guys

I figured out she was talking to multiple guys while leading me on

I should have taken this as advice and just left the girl alone

She claims she was single so she can do whatever she wants

Some time goes by and she invited me over to her house

This time she is the one that asks me out

I decided to forgive her and accepted it

We started going out 5/12/13

Next couple months were amazing

We were in love

We acted as a amazing couple and had regular couple activities

From may-dec 2013 everything was going good.

She was attending school

I was attending school and we still found time for ourselves

My last day of classes was Dec 12 2013

This was the day we last had sex

This means we had no sex for year and a half from today

This was the turning point for us

We continued being together because

I loved her and wanted to work the intimacy issues out but she never wanted to do anything about it and this is what got me fed up

I tried talking to her to see,If her feelings changed or if she is no longer attracted to me

She said she loved me and it's because of problems like her weight why we don't have sex

I wanted to help her and I understood

However it seemed as if I was the one ever doing anything about it

For Valentine's Day 2014

I made a plan to take her keys from purse to open up her car and place flowers and a ring to surprise her

At the end of her shift,she opened her car and was surprised

However while going inside,one of my friends told her happy vday and she said she isn't really feeling it

My heart dropped when i heard this

Eventually I let it go and forgot about it

Next couple months go by and she gets a new job

She started the job in nov 2014 and currently works there up in till we broke up

We started seeing each other less because her schedule consisted of closing shifts which were 1-9

My schedule is a set schedule that is 5:30-4pm and I'm off weekends

She worked weekends however so it was difficult to see her

During this span,I would text her and she started becoming distant

Claiming that she doesn't have time to text me and can't text me

Later on I figured out she was texting during her work shift so she lied to me

I have caught her in multiple lies and have been told she is a liar by people that know her from the past

For some reason I was never hesitant and always trusted her

I loved her for who she is and what she looks like and I never had a problem with her weight or anything else

Even though she knew this,many things came out of here mouth that I could not understand why she said these things to me

She would tell me she wants to go under a rock and die because she is hideous

That she is worthless

She always asked me if I love her

Faked breaking up with me countless of times

She walked out of my car and slammed the car door and said she is done and than within minutes apologizing and saying she is a bad person

Treated me like **** countless times

Had Crazy mood swings

Yelled at me at her home and in public and many more things that made me very confused

She has two different personalities

when she is at home and when she is out with her friends/coworkers

Around her friends

She has this personality of being down to earth

Me knowing this got me to the point where I was jealous whenever I hung out with her around other people

I saw how she was around them and than hated how she was around me behind closed doors

I could not understand

Around people that she loves

Like me her mom and her dad

She treats us way different than she does her friends

Towards us she screams and shouts and says rude things

Her dad is the one that she treats like complete ****

I can't understand why she talks down to him the way she does

She always told me how come I don't do this and that but

She wanted to meet my parents more and I tried to make this happen

I had many things going on such as class's for my cdl and errand I had to run

She has met my parents twice

I admit that but I wanted for her to meet them more but I was afraid if she treats me the way she does

How will she treat me in front of them ?

My parents are also very busy people

They own 4 homes and they are barely ever home so it was a conflict to have her meet them with her schedule and mine

There was days I could have invited her but if our relationship was going towards ****

Why would I want to have her around my parents

She was already pretending to break up with me plenty of times and telling me she is done and she gives up

How am I supposed to treat her like a gf and go out places with her if she treats me this way?

Add in the fact that we have no emotional attachment due to the lack of intimacy

No kissing No sex No foreplay

What do you think was going on in my mind ?

I didn't expect the relationship to go on but I kept trying to fix and work on things

She started comparing me to other people and our relationship to other couples relationships

How they take pictures and we don't

I have tried taking pictures but she always said she looked like **** so eventually I stopped trying and I admit that

I had my times where I was self conscious and didn't want to take any pictures

She complained that I won't let her spend time with her friends

I had no problem about this

In the beginning of the relationship

I was hanging out with a old friend of mine that was a girl and she told me that's not right

So from then on I didn't hang out with friends that are girls

She complained that she can't hang out with guy friends but I never stopped her from doing so

I just said how is it fair that I can't do that but you can

She told me back than she thought differently

Recently her mom has been divorced for the second time after spending 18years with the man

I think this is what changed her the most


She compares me to him

That I'll leave her just like he did to her mom

That we both are similar

And both have same personalities

Even though we are two completely different people

I have always done things for her and her mom

I mowed the lawn,

shoveled the snow,

raked the leaves,

washed the dishes

took care of their house for a month while they went to Poland

helped around the house with gardening,

building a wooden fence ,

helping them take everything out of their basement after it flooded

Took care of errands

Brought over many groceries without even asking

Called places to take care of things for her

Did car maintenance

Went on regular walks with the dogs

Fixed electronics for them

And many more things I can't think of at this moment

I understand that there are problems that I caused

But I always was trying to work and fix things

Just alone the fact that I spent a year and a half without sex should mean I love her

I never cheated and I can say this from the bottom of my heart

Do the many things I did for them not show that I love her ?


She asked for a break not to long ago and she gave me the reason that she wants to work on herself and be better for me

I didn't want a break so I talked to her about it

Than she wanted space

I tried giving her space but it was so hard not to text her

I didn't text her as much as normal but I did ask what exactly do you mean by space

Like no contact at all

She said that's what she wanted but in like how can you want no contact with me because you want to work on your weight which is something I have no problem with at all

I told her I don't mind you going to the gym

Little by little

I started pulling out more information from her

That a part of her doesn't she us together anymore

She also told me in the beginning I was driving her to classes to get over her ex before me

Around when she asked for the break, she told me she still has dreams about her ex I don't know if she was trying to annoy me or hurt me

I told her I really don't want to be with someone that doesn't know what they want and doesn't see a future with me

I understand we argued but that is because I was tired of working on things by myself and her never wanting to try to fix things

My decision was wither we break up and go our seperate ways

Or we both give it out all

I told her this

She asked to be friends

I told her I can't due to what she has put me through

She decided that she wanted to both give it our all

It did not seem like she wanted to give it her all so I talked to her about meeting up and finally deciding what is best

We decided to talk after work

We talked about everything

I wanted to work things out

She wanted to just give up and end the relationship

She thought it was the best choice

So we decided to end it even though it's what I didn't want but couldn't force her

We went our seperate ways and I met her at her house just to make sure she is ok after the drive home and that she didn't hurt herself or anything

Before she was about to go inside her hide

She said she doesn't know if this is the right choice so she wanted to talk the next day after work

She cried so much and told me she doesn't want to lose me

I never saw her cry so much as I did in this one night

Next day came

I called her a couple times

She answered in a aggravated tone and I asked her do you still want to talk since I valued her opinion

She said no she doesn't want to and she hung up because she had to go to work

I went to her mothers workplace and talked to her and her mother guaranteed that she does not want to break up

Her mom told me to give her time

So I texted her that I'll give you time

And write When you need me let me know

A day or two went by and

I was uncertain if we were already broken up for sure since she wanted to talk the next day after we technically broke up

I decide to call her and she didn't answer

I went to her house Saturday and tried talking to her

She was mad that I wrote I'll give her time but here I am next day trying to talk to her

I tried talking to her about what her choice was because it was bothering me so much but knowing what is going on

She had plans to go out with her friend Saturday night so she told me to come by sunday since she is having a bbq and later going to a friends house for a bonfire

I texted her later that night asking if it's ok if I come at this and this time since I had a funeral wake to attend to and I didn't know what time she is going to the bonfire

She never replied so I never came by

I thought that it was a sign she doesn't want to talk

She got my hopes up at the end by telling me her cousin and her bf took 4 breaks and they were dating other people

One of my close friends happens to know her cousin and out of curiosity asked her if this is true

Her cousin became mad and said that none of that is true

She texted my ex asking her why she's making bull**** up

My ex claimed that she never said that and denied ever saying it and said that I making stuff up because I'm hurt

When I figured out she lied

I texted her after a four weeks of no contact

And called her out for lying

She told me that she didn't deny saying that

I took pictures of our messages and I showed them to her cousin and her cousin said that she is a big liar

Why would you tell me lies to get my hopes up and lead me on

I have heard she is talking **** about me from multiple people

That supposedly we weren't seeing eye to eye and that we grew apart

She also lied to me that she can't text at work but when I saw her phone one day she had like 10 contacts texting her throughout her workday so she lied to me about that

What the heck did I go through

I'm so confused

Did she ever love me or was she just stringing me along and she wanted to be friends incSe she couldn't find anything better

I love this girl for everything she was and excepted her for all her flaws

She is already currently talking to other guys so I feel like she never even loved me

How is it possible for her to move on like that on the sheet emotionally detached yourself way before she tried breaking up with me

Her mom's second husband left her after being together for 18 years

He told me I would have a ****ed up life with them and to really think about if I really want to be with them

Her mom supposedly said Sex makes her feel like she is weak and hasn't put out for him in years

Her mom also asked me three months ago to move-in help them pay their mortgage since her husband is leaving

Is it possible that her mom talked her out of this and want to find someone that they could string along and have them pay off their house

Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated

I love her I miss her but I know I cannot go back she has done too much pain and I can't forgive her

Hi Chikrs and welcome to the family

Im sorry that your going through all this. There are so many here that can relate to your story as weve been through something almost identical to you. It was one of the things that blew me away when I found this site. How many times did I read posts that I could have written almost word for word. It was comforting to realise that I wasn't alone and as I read more it was comforting to know that I wasn't crazy.

You will find a lot of useful information on this site. A good place to start might be the lessons on the leaving board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Its good to talk and we are all here to listen.

EM

Thank you so much

It has been 6 weeks since the breakup and I'm doing pretty good

I have times where I feel like we are still together and other times where I know it's best for me

Her mom always told her to not think black and white so I have a feeling she knew what her daughter has

Her mom has BPD too I believe

At times I felt as if I was dating both of them and both of them were controlling me

Worst part is,she accused me of cheating so I have a feeling she cheated on me and it was her guilt eating her away

I always wondered why she was on birth control if me and her didn't have sex for 18months

I know when she did have sex with me

She preferred it without a condom

I'm afraid I might have caught a std from her

Sometimes all this makes me want to just go to sleep and never wake up but I know I can make it

I'm a young man that has purchased a house at the age of 22 so I know I can be successful in life

It's just I can't believe I thought I knew a person for 2 years when I really didn't

This is an awesome place to vent and speak my mind

I don't have anyone to talk to because I know they would look at me as if I'm crazy

Thanks in advance :)

Hi Chikrs

One of the first things I did when the fog lifted was get an STD check. I recommend it as it put my mind at rest. I know my ex cheated on me even though I never had any hard evidence but when her ten year old daughter smugly tells you "mummys got a new boyfriend" it kind of gives it away.

I can also relate to just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Not in a suicidal way but in a give me peace way. Unfortunately in the beginning sleep wasn't that great. I can still remember the first morning that I woke after having a full nights sleep. I had to check the time about three times and was confused as it was daylight.

It sounds cheesy but things do get better. Its not a quick process,

We can also relate to people looking at you as if your crazy when you describe what you've been through. Theres a number of post on it.

EM

Your story sounds very similar to mine.  I also saw the red flags early in the relationship but I ignored them.  Over time I noticed the lies and games that she was playing.  It always felt like she always had one foot out the door.  Towards the end of the relationship she also told me the proverbial "need space", "wanting to spend more time with friends". Those were all excuses for her to go out with other guys.  I caught her lying to me multiple times at the end till one day she "decided" she angrily didn't want to speak to me which I'm assuming is because she felt like she had hooked some other guy by that time.  But in between her wanting space and no contact, it was about 3 months of her lies and games.  It took me about a year to really feel like dating again after the relationship with my ex BPD gf because I was so drained from it all.  Now it's been three years since that relationship ended and I'm happier than ever, have a beautiful fiance who's normal and we just bought a house. 

What I can tell you is give it some time.  Do things you enjoy now.  Your ex is playing these games of needing space while she's out scoping the market hoping you don't catch her lies.  When you are ready to date again you will know it deep inside you.  The relationship with your ex is over, or you should want it to be over, because a relationship with a normal girl shouldn't be that hard and there shouldn't be any games involved either.  Start the process of healing and moving on, no matter how hard it is and no matter how much you miss your ex.  The sooner you start the sooner you will meet a normal girl who can make you happy.

Just an update

Almost 2 months since the breakup and I'm feeling so much better

It sucks that we have mutual friends and I have a feeling she is going to be talking ___ about me but honestly it doesn't bother me

I have heard she has been with another guy about 2 weeks after breaking up and that's probably the reason she hasn't contacted me

It is what it is

Just alone the fact that I didn't have sex with her for 18months is horrible

I can't believe she played me like that

So she has sent me a message

She was afraid to write to me because she thinks I wouldn't write back to her

Do you guys think maybe this is her guilt and shame speaking after all she has put me through ?

Thanks in advance

Hi chikrs

It could be guilt but theres not much to go off.

What baffles me is that she wouldn't write to you because you wouldn't write back yet she doesn't see the same scenario with a text.

Ok two months since the breakup and I still miss her at times but I'm doing better

She is hanging out with a bunch of her old friends and posting a lot more things on social media

I believe it could be the way she is coping with all this

My mind is finally clear and I remember things she has told me

She told me she has pushed all her past bfs away

Her mom also told me she does scape goating,black and white thinking, and explained things to me while being with her

Just some symptoms of BPD that I researched

She also told me she had body dysmorphia and ocd which is more symptoms of BPD

Can any provide me any more insight and help me out

From what I understand,she used sex as a way to lure me and than cut me off once she thought I was hooked

She also told me she wants a break because she doesn't want to report to me and she wants to get rid of the hatred

Are these red flags too ?

Hi Chikrs

If you google DSM 5 it gives you the criteria for diagnosing BPD. Have a read and see how many your ex ticks. I found this a good starting point. She may clearly tick a lot or maybe not any. This helped settle my mind that my exs even though undiagnosed are most likely BPD. At the end of the day though a diagnosis is nice to have but not necessary as if the behaviour is offensive and abusive then that's enough not to want to be with that person.

How are you feeling?

I'ms it normal to start doubting yourself

That maybe I'm the one that caused all the problems ?

Or that maybe I'm looking to much into this

I mean 18months no sex kinda shows something was wrong

She also told me she wants a fresh start or to start over as friends to get rid of all this hatred

Can anyone please help

I feel like I'm the crazy one

A part of me wishes I can reach out to her but I know it's for my own good

Hi Chikrs

I think nearly everyone has at some point wondered if they were the problem. Me included.

My exgf said a similar thing about the hatred. She said she just wanted to be able to look at me and not hate me. Her best friends husband once asked me if we would ever get back together and I said no and that I don't think she would want me back as she hates me. He was shocked and asked what I had done for her to hate me. I told him I didn't know and he said he never knew she felt that way and couldn't see why anyone would hate me as Im such a nice guy.

Have faith in yourself. How many other people have ever made you doubt yourself like your ex has?

Actually she is the first that ever made me feel that way

It's mind boggling how she is having a good time and seems as if this breakup never affected her

Maybe she is hiding it

I don't know

At times I feel like I was controlling but than again

Any guy would be controlling if he didn't have sex with his gf for 18months

It also amazes me how she hasn't even bothered reaching out to see if I'm ok or how I'm handling this


Anyways I just have to remind myself of the reasons why I should let go

Its difficult when they seem to move on so quickly with their lives. Whether they really do, its just a front or they've had more practice I cant say. It could be a mixture or something else altogether.

Its difficult but rather than worry about what theyre up to you should be paying attention to what your doing.

The more energy you put into what you want to do then the quicker you will move on.

I still feel so empty inside

Sometimes it feels like we are still together but i just think about what the negatives would be of going back

I still feel like I'm the one with BPD after she out all the stuff in my head

Anyone have suggestions or comments ?

Hi Chikrs

I think we all wonder if were the ones with BPD. The one thing Ive heard said a number of times is that if we ask that question then the chances are no we are not. The fact that you can look at yourself is a good thing. I realised that there are a number of things wrong with me but BPD isn't one of them. Im co-dependent to an extent. I have some OCD nothing major though. I probably came out of the relationship with my exgf with some form of PTSD.

That said knowing my own issues has been a good thing and allowed me to move forward.

Have you ever had anyone make you feel you have a major issue before?

Haven't updated this in two months

Anyways

I feel so much better

I'm still not completely over her but I wonder if she is truly BPD

At times I'm excited to start dating again and get myself out there

Obviously I miss her from time to time which is completely normal since I'm human

My biggest problem now seems to be that after all I wrote,it doesn't feel real or true that she has BPD

Can anyone read my story and give me some backup

Thanks

Hi Chikrs, I can give you some validation.  I was married for 11 years and together with her for 15.  I was fortunate to have kept a journal of notes throughout the course of the r/s and have had to refer back to them on multiple occasions to validate myself and access my suppressed memories - which frequently turn into romanticizing the person who idealized me while forgetting the one that devalued.

I believe that one of the issues we face leaving this type of r/s is that there is no formal diagnosis - so how do you really know?  Most of us are not trained professionals and so what we have are opinions.  But the fact is that most of us said things like "something is not right" which means we were sensing something wrong and that in itself is valid!

It may be easier to try and not label and define that "something".  I spent hours researching, reading, asking questions etc.  In the end, I couldn't fully grasp that she "qualified" for the full diagnosis; some of her other behaviors match the symptoms perfectly while others not so much.  But I do believe she has a deep fear of emotional intimacy which is the hallmark of BPD.

Try not to find if the label and diagnosis is an exact match (it may well not be), but rather if the behaviors match.  One of the most valuable things I did was to read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Rand Kreger. Chapter 3 is titled Making Sense of BPD Behavior and lists many characteristics and traits.  This is helpful because it looks at symptoms versus diagnosis.  I read this multiple times and can see many symptoms with her even while I questioned the diagnosis.

One stand out trait of Non-BP's is that we do not trust our gut instincts. Trust your gut instincts.  Whether or not she is diagnosibly BPD or just exhibits traits of it, you are going to be better off in a r/s without this. 

One caveat to all this is that it may be helpful to look at some of the reasons why you are attracted to someone with these traits.  Many of us find that we have internal needs that we tried to address with our ex's that put us in this position to begin with.  Education and knowledge will help us not repeat the past and more easily recognize the traits in another earlier on.

Joe

6 months out

Still think about her from time to time but oh my god I feel so much better


My story is a crazy one, and sometimes I wonder just how bad I had it

I'm happy that I have not talked to her since the end of August

I survived no contact over her bday,the holidays,new year and vday

Anyone care to read my story and give some feedback of your opinion

Thanks