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Question: should I let my BPD ex have sex and intimacy with me so I can secretly recover then leave her?


I would like to go into the whole story of the damage caused me following my prior relationship with this girl, but I am sure many will understand and be aware of the generals.

I also acknowledge that my mental health is negatively affected by problems of my own, such as negative thought patterns and self consciousness.

However, I am really upset about how vastly and negatively different I am, 2 years after dating her. My mental health took a serious nosedive, with ruminations and much lower self worth and confidence than ever before her.

My question is: I am in a position to reconnect with my BPD ex. I am very upset to say that I met this girl at just 19, and it began as a long distance relationship from UK-Hong Kong. I fell for all the usual traps but was doubly vulnerable as she was my first. I had no idea what was normal behaviour from a girl and would justify the abuse to the point I was crippled socially and mentally. I just didn't know anything about BPD and didn't find out until the damage was done. The gist of the relationship was, for a year in 2012-2013 we had an online relationship but crazy enough made major plans.

From 19 I worked so hard to save and plan and study to meet her. She visited once in London and then I visited her for 3 weeks in Hong Kong at the end of 2013. I was so damaged. So so damaged by this point- had lost all friends at home and so was scared to lose her despite the cruelty. And was severely depressed by Hong Kong but loved her.

I wish I had never gone.

It is now 2015 and I am back in Hong Kong, the city I fell in love with (very very dark and twisted love)

I am on an exchange year.

We ended the relationship in 2014 in June, when things got so bad, we were both insane.

But I missed her ever since and have never really recovered. I didn't make time for therapy. We cut contact and I went to uni in Scotland. I hoped she would wait for me. I secured an exchange programme to Hong Kong and contacted her around December 2014, a year from Hong Kong. She had not waited, though she lied she had, but had been enjoying her life, having sex, clubbing, getting new jobs, going to gigs, travelling, having fun.

Not once did she prove she had any remorse and never checked on me. However she claimed to love me and miss me.

I knew this was bull and had since read up on BPD to try to self heal and understand, though the mental scars remain. My time away from her was spent ruminating heavily and I struggled to make friends, have really really struggled to accept myself ever since before Hong Kong.

I am really very upset about what has happened to destroy my life and view of myself at just 19-22. I don't want to live like this anymore but I am now in Hong Kong and cannot get therapy here for free. I know that long term this is essential and will do it a year later when I get back to the UK.

I am not as vulnerable as I once was- have managed to feel many steps forward towards feeling better since the last 6 months or so. Getting back to Hong Kong too has reunited me with a life of open doors. However there is just this horrible horrible pain that is ruining my life.

I know I need professional help and am self applying CBT as best I can. I really do understand that it is mental support I need. That there are no quick fixes- but perhaps there is one that could boost me a little:

--- my ex. I saw her the other week. We agreed to meet up. Before I had been relatively not bothered about meeting her which is good to know I feel better ish, but I was getting so insecure at times and anxious and needed someone close in Hong Kong to talk to- so I really felt I needed to message her.

When we met it was cold at first, but very quickly my vulnerabilities became apparent, but this was good. I am pleased to see I could recognise it in a very detached way now, but my vulnerabilities make her caring and seductive. She ended up kissing me and getting touchy feely. I don't like her but it felt good, and I wanted more.

My low self esteem persists. I can't feel comfortable any more. But her intimacy made me feel better.

I have a complex now about sex. I haven't had it since her, and only with her. I lost my virginity to someone so cruel and it is wrecking my life. I had such negative views on sex for a year afterwards, perhaps still do.

But it is holding me back, my anxieties about sex. With other girls. I worry if I'm too depressed to do it.

My ego is battered, my self esteem so low now.

I'm 22, it hurts to know she did this to me.

But I have one protection: I am cold now. I genuinely feel that nothing she does will make me attached to her again. But if we have sex, get intimate, that maybe I will have someone making me feel good. Helping my ego, my self esteem, my sexual practise.

I never wanted to use her, but she has destroyed me.

I see how she thrives off my vulnerabilities and encourages them subtly, sexually.

I want to let her. I want to let her do what she wants to me so I can get what I want in the form of ego and self esteem recovery.

I genuinely think it will help me recover faster.

And then I will leave her (fingers crossed)

Do you think it's a good idea? (I am serious about being able to see what it is for what it is. I don't think I can ever get reattached to someone that disgusts me so much. I believe I will be fine if I do this.)

What do you think? I have 1 year here. I want to heal the fastest way I can.

I want to let her use me, but without knowing I am using her to heal.

You certainly could; so could she in a way.

Aside from the fact that you are two independent individuals, both responsible and capable of making your own choices, what do you think is healthy in the long term for your detachment?

That's quite an intense situation you're in. Considering the dire straits you are in, I see how getting that sexual practice in might seem like a solution of sorts. For the most part, my ex was also my first sexual partner, and I do think my self confidence went up as a result of gaining this experience. That's not to say that I am recommending you go through with it with your ex. Though I'm not advising against it either.

But I think that because the situation you are in is so devastating, you should think hard about how you will proceed. Because it could make things worse if you rush in halfhazardly. There are other ways to increase your self-esteem that may be less risky, but lacking in the satisfaction you might get through sex.

What if you were to become more jaded about sex as a result of engaging sexually with her? What if you got roped back into a relationship with her? What if your self esteem took another hit from reconnecting with her, causing it to plummet even lower? What if , as a result, it interfered with your life and responsibilities?

These are some questions you might consider. Weighing the pros and cons of the actions you are considering.

You may also consider purchasing some self-help books geared towards improving your self esteem and well being.

I'd recommend against it.  But I totally get where you're coming from.  Right now you're going through withdrawals.  Physically, you're low on dopamine; this is what happens during a break up.  Love and sex flood your body with dopamine and oxytocin and all sorts of feel good chemicals that that hit the same receptors as cocaine--that's why in early romance you can stay up all night without feeling tired, walk on air, etc.  Due to limited experience and pair bonding, you associate that dopamine fix exclusively with your ex.  Just like a heroin addict associate their dopamine fix with heroin.  On top of that, pwBPD get you egotistically addicted; your ex probably told you everything you ever wanted to hear about yourself, made you feel like a king, and then she goes back on what she said and does things with other guys?  Hard to take.

Let me tell you a story.  Like you, I waited a little longer than most to lose my virginity.  I turned down multiple opportunities.  I felt girls only wanted me because I was popular, good looking, whatever; but that they didn't appreciate me for who I was.  Due to my unrealistic expectations, I probably turned down experiences with some really awesome, healthy girls.

Well, I finally met a girl who seemed to really appreciate me for who I was.  Man, she could give out an awesome compliment.  Everybody where we worked wanted her, and she wanted me.  We hooked up even though she was still with the father of her 6 month old baby.  She lied to me that they had broken up:  "I was too good of an opportunity to miss."  After the first night she tells me she can't do this anymore, that she wants me and this, that, and the other, but I'm too good for her and she feels guilty.  Then she really breaks up with her baby daddy, and she proceeds to sleep with all of our coworkers, shacks up with our boss.  I could've literally been anybody.

I had thoughts like:  Was it me? Was I not good enough?  So the only way to prove it wasn't my fault was to sleep with her again.  Which I did (didn't know she was already dating the man who'd become her fiance).  It didn't make me feel better.  It made me feel gross--all it did was lower my standards to meet hers.  At the end of the day, I still could have been anybody.  Even then, I still went back to her for emotional validation off and on for another year and didn't really get over her until I jumped into the arms of my BPDexgf. 

Hi Willkennedy

Its a dangerous plan in my opinion. Im not saying that you cant be detached but you do run the risk that it could hook you again.

I had/ have a number of issues when it comes to sex that my exs implanted in my head. When your in such an open and intimate situation then even a little thing can stick in your head and make you paranoid.

I just want to ask one question. Knowing what your ex is like would it be an effective ego boost compared to having a similar experience with someone else?