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Struggling with co-dependency while preparing to separate from uBPDw of 14 yrs... .sometimes, out of the blue, I have suicidal ideation.  Relax!  I'm not going to do anything, it's just weird, and disturbing.

First of all, obviously this is a touchy topic. I apologize in advance to anyone who has had a more direct experience with loved ones self harming than I have. I'm posting because I'm just trying to figure things out, on a topic that's nearly impossible to discuss openly.

Second of all I'll say I don't think I'm at risk now for self harm, suicide, or running away. I don't hurt myself now (outside of occasional intense exercise ) and don't plan to. If that changes I'll tell someone. I was at risk in the past, I know how that felt, but now I've had two therapists tell me I'm not depressed, not really suicidal, and I've learned methods of DBT, radical acceptance, etc, that have helped me manage. So there's no need to get all freaked out and tell me about hotlines, etc-- a few close friends I told did that, OK, thanks, but that's not what I need to get information on.

Enough caveats. The question is, have other Nons struggled with fantasies of suicide, death, or some kind of running away?

I do. Often. 

I've had vivid dreams about escape, fantasies about swimming as far out in the ocean as I can, thoughts of stowing away on a cargo ship bound for Brazil (I know, I know: seriously? Yes, seriously). All irrational, yet powerful, recurring thoughts. I also feel depressed at times, but the suicidal ideation can occur independent of feeling down. Those escapist thoughts makes me feel very sad, and yet, peaceful, and relaxed.

I don't want to die, or leave my wife and son, or cause the pain to my family that my death would. But on a plane sometimes I think, if this plane went down, part of me would be fine with that. It's unnerving.

Anyway, it's not a huge risk or problem, just wondering if anyone else had this happen to them, or if this is another fun, unique aspect of my own personality.  folie

Oddly enough, i tend to have escapist fantasies but usually in the form of apocalyptic fantasies.

I also had fleeting moments of if this happened or that and I did it would solve everything. Ive never self harmed or got close to attempting suicide.

The way I see it is there was no happy solution so you start to think of more extreme solutions. I played out every scenario in my head and probably over thought everything.

Im lucky as Im a firm believer that things work out in the end. I wouldn't say Im an eternal optimist more of a pragmatist but I do have an underlying current of optimism. This optimism carried me through.

I wouldnt call myslf an optimist in any sense of the word, however; i never really see myself committing suicide. I think i have always taken camus approach to life, regardless of how much pain i must bear or how meaningless life seems, simply living and raging on againts the absurdity of life is somewhat of a victory for me.