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Hi, not sure if this is the right board for this topic but please move it if it's not.

Have you tried a theraputic separation? How did that work out? 

Things have gotten so bad that I want to get a divorce, my uBPD spouse wants to stay married and work on things, but I think he expects me to do all of the work. 

My therapist recommended "strongly considering" a temporary separation, where I can get the space and quiet that I need in order to work on myself without a divorce.  I found an apartment I like and have considered applying for it. Not sure why I haven't pulled the trigger yet.

I talked to my husband about it and he seems supportive but am not sure how he will actually respond when I do move out.

Two year relationship. Not married. Live an hour and a half apart. Not in counseling, though he is.

Partner suggested a therapeutic separation two days after getting diagnosed with BPD end of May this year. Suggested two months, but I felt it too long, so decreased to one month. We agreed to no contact the entirety, with the exception of a  limited text conversation Sunday nights each week as a check up, with no discussion of relationship or future.

I had a huge issue accepting it, really didn't want to let go, but the codependency, enmeshment and love addiction made it quite necessary. Let myself grieve the relationship entirely as if it was over. Journaled my feelings, made new friends, male included, read the book 'the journey from abandonment to healing' -- it was invaluable.

Once it hit him that we weren't seeing each other for a month and the possibility of losing me was imminent, he attempted to cut no contact, 12 days in. I was relentless. I realised just how important it was to cut ties for a bit and remind myself who I am without him. Was really huge on setting limits as well. He tried to call me up on day 15, scared that he would lose me and turned to yelling, I told him I wasn't willing to talk if he was going to yell and promptly hung up. Let him deal with his own emotions like enmeshment and the It worked. He called me up two hours later entirely calm and willing to have a normal, albeit, short conversation.

We officially got back together on day 33. The distance cured the enmeshment and the addiction to drama and he started to feel a lot more secure in the relationship, stopped expressing that push/pull cycle where everytime something is difficult he taunts me that we should break up. He usually puts a significantly smaller amount of blame on me when things go wrong and calms himself quicker than he used to.

We haven't had a single text fight since the separation, whereas I used to get extremely anxious when I got texts from him. He's more apt to tell me that he appreciates me or things I do.

He regularly expresses gratitude that I try so hard to be validating and that I have earned his respect and trust.

The one downside is he has opted out of DBT. The relationship gains have been enough to not make that as big of a deal for us, but it's very obvious that he has trouble handling his own dysregulation when things in his life become stressful.

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I've read quite a few where the 'non' leaves and it triggers the pwBPD so badly that the relationship is unable to recover.

We'll see what happens.  I just applied for an apartment, and I'm getting really excited about having my own space again.  I'm sad that it's come to this, but I really tried to get him to buy a house with me (we live in his condo, and we have enough equity/funds to afford a house), but every house I find he claims he doesn't like.

Anise,

Good luck, let us know how it turns out!  I also decided that I wanted a divorce, while my uBPDw wants me to stay and work things out, and we agreed on a slow, careful.  Our case is complicated since we have a son (8, hence the slow), we co-own a condo, and meanwhile she started DBT which is helping her a lot.  Yet I've had 3 therapists tell me, my co-dependency issues are making things worse, and I won't be able to break those habits until we both learn to live alone for a while.

On one hand, I'm reluctant to leave from many stories I've read here (good, success stories about DBT, and also bad, scary stories of abandonment fears triggered by separation)

On the other hand, my therapist's strong words haunt me:  "You can stay if you want, but you're stunting her emotional growth, and hurting your son."

Have fun in your new place!  After you move in, you should play music nobody but you likes, and dance around a while.  That's what I'm gonna do.

Hi Anise,


definitely the right board  |iiii

TS can help restoring respect and getting some basic boundaries again in place. That in turn help with all the triggering. The alone time also encourages more self regulation and this together with distance and boundaries can help to reduce rage.

There is in my eyes a big difference between trial separation (do I want to be single again) and temporary separation (can some temporary space help to see each other better) from how people relate to the distressed relationship and work on it.


Parentification, enmeshment and lack of boundaries all can be a sex killer and sometime a little distance can help. Still I'm a bit unclear how your relationship problem of wanting a child is addressed.

I'm hearing that you are talking about "your" and "our" therapist. Does your H do some form of CBT/DBT type therapy? Has you H an own T?

I'm definitely leaving the door open for us to reconcile, but I would need to see progress on both our parts and in our relationship for that to happen.  Right now things are just too dysfunctional.  With each passing day I am recognizing more and more dysfunction in how we relate that needs to be addressed or worked on (both on myself and with the relationship).

I'm sorry that I have not been clear. "My" therapist and "Our" therapist is the same person.  We started out in marriage counseling, and it was in the last month our therapist suggested we continue to see him, but individually, with the hope that after a time we can go back to seeing him together again.  Unfortunately my husband has a paranoia of doctors, so I doubt he will want to go to therapy very often. Time will tell.  He is not in any kind of therapy for BPD, he is still very much in denial of having any problem at all, and the way he phrases things he will claim that all our relationship problems require changes on my part and attitude for things to work.  That's just where he is at and I am done with trying to "help" him. If he wants to do his own self reflection and get help on his own, I will definitely support that.  But if he wants to stick his head in the sand, pretend that me and the rest of the world is against him and drink himself to an early grave, I don't have the luxury of time or energy to deal with him.  Life is too short.

I do still want children, but I also want raise children in the context of a healthy relationship (as healthy as one is able, anyway).  There are just too many things that need to be fixed before we can address having children together.  I can't even buy a house with my husband because he doesn't want to give up his condo (from his behavior, not his words).  That is going to be a big issue we will need to figure out, the fact that I don't have any space of my own or say with what goes on in his condo.

I've made peace with life not providing me with what I want in terms of kids on my schedule.  I'm just not in the place I thought I would be in to have kids.  It makes me deeply sad that I picked this person to have children with, but maybe this is just a part of my journey that will lead me to either a better relationship with him that will lead to children or a healthier relationship with someone I can have children with in the future after I get a chance to sort my stuff out.

UndauntedDad, funny you should mention music and dancing.  I never get to listen to my own music at all anymore.  I'm looking forward to that!

Please read the thread of a poster,  "Steph".  She and her husband went through a successful therapeutic separation.  This is done under the guidance and monitoring of clinical professionals, so it is not something that you do on your own.  I will try to find the link.

If you can find the link I would appreciate it.  I read some of her posts and the summary of her story but have not found the thread you referred to.

Thank you for your comments!  I am not sure he will be on board with a theraputic separation, because it looks like one of the requirements is that both parties be willing to work on themselves.  I am reading more about it though and am l am definitely going to use the time to heal and work on myself and my weak points that contributed to the problems in the relationship.