BPDFamily.com

I am 3 weeks out of BPDr.Relationship which was textbook,  first 8months fantastic albeit i began financially supporting her almost immediately plus i found out she had bipolar and menopausal. The next year was very different clingy needy insecure and distrusting but its this last year were the distrusting took us to a new toxic phase. Everytime we argue she calls friends and character assassinate me and tries to convince them that she is in a domestically abusive relationship. In the last four months every 6 weeks approx we will have a fight she calls the police claims abuse flys back to her country and parties for three weeks  telling all who listen her story then she comes home all at my expense. This time it was notibly the worst, i woke one morning three weeks ago to her usual morning greeting "honey im not feeling well i think i have cancer" i said there nothing wrong with you and went for a walk. When i returned she was dressed and stated "domestic violence is unacceptable and she was going to another doctor to get a second opinion" she left and I followed 30min later.  When i arrived at the doctor she was surrounded by police and upon seeing me started screaming hes here dont let him hurt me. Im now in shock and was charged with a dv order. She asks the police to help her pack and she goes to the last of our friends and proceeds to tell them her embellished story. Meanwhile she calls me 187 times in 48hrs. I ignore her calls and flys back to her country again. As soon as she gets there she starts calling yelling at me apparantly its all my fault and she wants money. Two weeks of abuse then she calls me saying its an emergency she is in a woman shelter starving and has no money,i fold and send money. After that she starts being pleasant and hinting coming back. 5 days ago i get a text from a stranger telling me to stop harrasing her, she is actually initiating all calls as she has me blocked. I send her an email asking her to clarify she responded today with leave me alone im doing well i have the support of my friends go and get help for you.

This has completely thrown me as she has never shown this sort of finality statement yet the day before was talking of coming home. My friend thinks she has a new group of supporters and is empowered by them and the money i sent her and probably believes she has good options.

Im confused, comments please

Hey jq, It's time for you to get out of the toxic soup.  Suggest you move on.  You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out, because it's crazy stuff.  I understand because I've been there myself.  Suggest you get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim

I'm with Lucky Jim... .consider the money loss a "parting gift" to retain your sanity and let her stay in her country.

I know these words may seem harsh. Read our past posts.  I know Lucky Jim's story.  Many of us have been on here several years.

It doesn't get better. Man, I am going to be 40 in two months. I wasted close to four years on this relationship. I gave up wanting to have children.  I used to want to get married and was excited to date.

I feel completely a-sexual after this relationship. It's like recovering from a drug addiction. Yours moved (hooray)! Easier when they are not here and there isn't as likely a chance of them popping up.

Those false accusations are brutal... .mine threatened a RO on me... .I work with her sister and my very job has been threatened. I used to be pals with her sister but have had so many lies told about me she likely thinks I am the Anti-Christ.

It's not worth it. I really isn't.  It's hard at first... .to get used to life without manufactured "chaos" but you will come to love the normalcy and quiet.

It is not normal to allow abuse. Just remember that... .and making stuff up about you, taking money from you yet treating you that way... .abuse.

PW

Jq,  hang in there. You must be in a very uncomfortable place. It will get better.

The confusion is something called the FOG (the fear, obligation and guilt employed by master manipulators) to keep us off balance and out of touch.

You're in the right place here. Support is a great way to start seeing through the FOG.

What are your next steps?

Thanks all good advice, i understand that walking away is the right thing but no less easier to take. I just cant make sense of her choices, she fabricated the whole thing whiped it up in her mind and that is what is convincing her she is justified. She told me on numerous ocasions that all she wanted was love and security both she had but then she has gone and destroyed it all. Do they ever in a dark moment get any remorse?. She started posting profound tweets on twitter about how you cant save everyone and how you need to let some people go on their path. I guess that was for me.  Im just really confused as she was settling and then she just turned left and decided to do things the hard way and destroy us. The most recent replies dont sound like her and if i look at her behaviour in the last week it looks like she has an audience.

Hi jw46810,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. A break-up with a person that suffers from BPD is often confusing and painful . Some and not all pwBPD will act out with intense anger at the end of the r/s and have a smear campaign. I can relate.


At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic wound, abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment. A deep fear of abandonment perceived or real. A pwBPD fear rejection and fear being alone and may impulsively self-sabotage to protect against anxiety with being alone.

It sounds like her abandonment fears were triggered. I triggered my ex wife when I said I wanted a divorce ( I didn't know that she had BPD traits ) it was scorched earth and she told her friends and family that I was abusive.