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My uBPDexGF sent me that message last Thursday afternoon.  She said it after sending me "I love you" and "Having one of those days where I really miss our friendship." messages before that.

My story is well documented on here - we dated for 5 years, she broke up with me 7 times, replacing me the last three.  The latest replacement was the freshly divorced security guard at her job who is a dBPD.  He started staying over at her place immediately (she lives with her mom) and has "moved in" (her words) with her and they are looking to find their own place soon.  They regularly fight and I hear about it.  Once he stormed out on her, "broke up" and tossed all his belongings in her apartment dumpster, said he was killing himself, and left.  He came back the next day and apologized, and it was back to "normal."

I told her on Thursday I was sorry she was having a bad day and left it at that.  Lord knows what is going on.  We chatted on Saturday (she had a job interview and was telling me about it) and said she was doing fine, but was stressed about money.  I guess everything righted itself with the replacement again.

Here's why I made this topic - what does that statement (topic title) from her truly say about me?  How unhealthy is that, eh?  It's like when the life she has tried to replace me with falls flat, she turns to me.  I guess I'm a fallback option.

Thoughts?  I myself have been doing well.  I've gone on a few dates through Tinder, which I have found to be quite the superficial process.  More women have cancelled/ghosted on me than have actually gone out.  And that's fine.  I'm moving in a couple of months and it will be nice to living somewhere that is purely my own and doesn't remind me of my ex.  So this was yet another interesting development with her that I wasn't expecting, especially nearly seven months post breakup.

It sounds like, "When things aren't going well, I turn to you because you keep helping me blow off steam and not really face what's really going on. Which I then prove by going right back into it. Talk with you next time I need something from you. I'll throw you some bones in the meantime." (This 'friendship' she "misses" is the one she can't really have with you while she's with this other guy, right? So if you're not lovers or friends, what do you call it? If you're seeing the patterns aren't healthy, why continue with them?)

BPD is about the moment. They experience everything in this moment. I think she is genuine about wanting you. What she doesn't say is that in the next moment she will likely be hating you. It is the nature of the disease - simultaneously pushing and pulling with periods of splitting you white ( when she wants you) and splitting you black ( when she hates you)

Of course this would cause havoc in most normal partners. Some of us last longer than others for many different reasons. :-)

Glad to hear you have moved on and getting your own place. It sounds like you are well on the way!

They all speak the same language. That's what I was told when I met up with my ex - "I know it sounds crazy right now, but I really cherish our friendship." Isn't it pretty much the same damn thing your ex told you last week? To be honest, I have no idea how you have balls to come up with this kind of stuff especially once you know how much you hurt the other person. I have plenty female friends who I can say this to and we would be on the same page about it, no awkwardness. Because we are friends. I can't think of one female who I hurt at the end who I'd wanna text "Hey, really miss that friendship!" It almost feels like one a personality disordered individual decides that you are friends, you are friends, no matter what the other person has to say about it.

It's no doubt that they will want to reach out when things are 'going well' for them and lose contact or make less contact when things aren't.

Like others have mentioned it is probably her splitting and living in the moment of things.

It's important for you to remember that her statement has zero reflection of who you are as an invidual. It's more about her and how SHE views you(which sounds like just a safe-haven, refuge, comfort)

Low contact(keeping your responses short as you are doing now) is a good move on your part. Whether you continue LC or switch to NC soon will be entirely up to you. You may have to determine if her perception of you is something you can live with. Or if hearing about her/from her is contributing in any positive way toward your recovery.

Don't be too hard on yourself with the dating aspect. Try not to give up so soon. It's understandable for you to feel out of sorts about seeing someone new.There are plenty of healthy women out there who will cross your way when you are truly ready:-)

It's awesome that you're moving soon! I had to do that too and the new surroundings will feel a MASSIVE step away from the reminders-believe me!

Best wishes to you;-) 

Hi 4Years5Months, what do YOU think it says about you? What do you think it says about HER?

"Having one of those days where I really miss our friendship."

4Years,

I think that's ^^^^ very typical of BPD: they miss the attachment, not us. The attachment is the priority.

Thanks for the kind replies.

My frame of mind with her at the moment is that I miss that attachment, too, but not ALL of the attachments.  Meaning I go to a movie and I wish I could discuss it with her.  I see something on TV and want to tell her, etc.  I do NOT miss going to her apartment or spending the night.  I'm still seeing a therapist and I told her how I felt such an emotional pressure to perform/satisfy/soothe/emotionally stimulate my ex whenever we hung out.  I couldn't relax around her.  She commanded attention.  I DON'T miss that, not by a long shot.

I don't think of being with her again, but when she tells me things like she did last week, I HOPE she breaks up with the replacement.  I don't want her back, but I want that replacement relationship to FAIL, even if she doesn't want ME back at some point.

I'm amazed that she is still with this guy given his BPD and how she would break up with me for trivial things, yet he can throw everything in a dumpster and be welcomed back with open arms.  But maybe that's it - he's present, there, attached to her 95% of the time.  That's what she wants and needs, even if it's chaotic.

I feel the same way about my ex.

I want his relationship to fail, even if he doesnt come back to me then... .

To me it means she's reidealising you again. Maybe not for a relationship and maybe more for a back up security plan so she feels safe. Either way it's because she's still wanting something from you which only spells trouble with a BPD!

X

My ex actually told me before our ugly b/u that: "No matter what happens [between us], I will always love you".

I thought this sounded so incredibly odd at the time... .on the surface it sounds uber-romantic, but its just about feeling the moment and having no mature sense of what might be true in any time frame beyond it.

I hear almost the exact phrase time and time again. I used to think it was romantic to be so swept up by the moment. However I've learned learned that that kind of intensity is not sustainable nor do I need the drama attached to have a fulfilling future.

4Years5Months, glad to hear you are continuing therapy and self-healing. Yours was the story with the large inheritance from your uncle right? Glad to hear that it gave you an opportunity to move out to the city.

You mentioned that you want her to end things with the BPDreplacement, some questions for you:

1. You know that it shouldn't matter to you, and that her actions are not personal. Like others have posted, it really is all about the moment and the need for attachment

2. If you do want them to separate, know that you are helping sustain that r/s by triangulating with them. You're playing the rescuer role until the persecutor role of the replacement changes

Lastly, glad to hear you are back in the dating game. What are you looking for? I've found that tinder is mainly used for hooking up and ghosting is quite common. I find the traditional sites like OKCupid result in something more consistent

Yes rotiroti, that's me with the uncle's money, ha.  Like I said before, I'm quite fortunate to benefit from such a sad circumstance, and getting my own place and making something of MYSELF will help me immensely.  I'll be creating my own original memories that don't involve my ex.  I think that's how I got over my other previous ex, the mother of my child.  I went back to school, earned my degree, got a professional job... .she got pregnant again and lived in a crappy apartment for two years.  Now she's married to the other baby daddy and seems happy, and I'm happy for HER.  It was a process, but one that I wouldn't have made it through had I remained the same person who dated her.  So that's what I will do with my exBPDgf.

It's funny, that week my ex made that comment that started this topic, it was only a few days after we reconnected.  You see, I had told her about inheriting money from my uncle, and she immediately assumed the victim role and told me she hated me for being fortunate.  "Meanwhile, I can't even afford a can of (bleeping) beans!" she said.  Then her Instagram had several photos of expensive restaurants... .just like her mom, she can't manage money, but still "lives" the high life.

Anyway, a week after she told me she hated me, I sent her a message on Facebook, and she responded.  She said she was still jealous of my good fortune, but wanted to talk to me.  We chatted that day, and the next.  We spoke on the phone for an hour (replacement was out with friends).  I didn't lecture her about life or the replacement, I asked her how SHE felt about the things she was complaining about and validated her.  She obviously felt relieved and comfortable to be on "speaking" terms with me again.  Three days later, she sent me those comments in the OP.  I'm sure it was after a fight with the replacement.

Yet, here we are a week or so later, and she and I haven't talked.  He probably pulled her back in and she's content with him at the moment.  I've learned that she is with a dBPD and he's a master (subconsciously) emotional manipulator, as we all have been subject to.  The other two men she replaced me with lasted a month and a half and three weeks.  This guy has lasted seven months, undoubtedly because he pushes and pulls her and "keeps" her that way.

Oh, her cousin is getting married in Alabama next weekend and the whole family (replacement included, I'm sure) is going to attend.  I'm anticipating another reach out from her either this week (when the replacement causes chaos pre-wedding to make sure my ex is focused on him and walking on eggshells the entire weekend) or right after when he pushes her away, feeling engulfed.  I'm ready, and I'll keep my responses short and maintain LC.

But yeah, I still would like to see that relationship end.

Quoting myself here, but I was right.

She went to a baseball game with co-workers from her other part time job (where the replacement doesn't work) on Tuesday evening, and he went with her.  They apparently got into a "big fight" (her words) and left in the 5th inning.  Of course they did.  She was with HER friends and he didn't like it.  She confirmed to me that he is supposed to go to this wedding this weekend, but she "doesn't know now, since we aren't talking now."  This happens again and again, and like I predicted, happened a couple of days before this trip.

It was an odd conversation, she was messaging me while he sat silent on the couch, ignoring her, texting someone as well.  I maintained my boundaries and didn't lecture or give advice.  All I did was tell her I was sorry she was fighting with him.

We chatted about other things, and she said "I guess I need to go to bed now... .never mind he just closed the bedroom door.  I guess I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."  Keep in mind it's HER apartment and he basically moved himself in immediately when the relationship started.  I again said I was sorry, and she kept saying ":)on't ask... .(stuff) is weird right now.  I'm very uncomfortable."

Just like he wanted.

A couple of minutes later, she said "I just heard a loud crash in the bathroom gotta go" and I haven't heard from her since.  I know she is okay, but he was obviously passive aggressively trying to get her attention without talking to her.  He wanted her to run to him.  It worked.

I feel so sorry for her.  I'm also glad I am on the outside of that situation.  And... .is it selfish to say that all of that above made me feel GOOD?  Karma is collecting.