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I posted last week asking for help on crafting an e-mail to my DH's uBPDew regarding Christmas visitation for SS15.

We sent the e-mail Sunday afternoon:

"Hi uBPDew,

DS15 told me that you had called, and mentioned that you want him to come up at Christmas.

This year his visitation is 12/26/15 to 1/2/16.  It would be best to book his flight as soon as you’re able, as prices will only start going up. I looked online today, and prices for the flights start around $280 round trip.  A non-stop flight I looked at leaves here at 10am on the 26th and leaves there at 3:50pm on 1/2/16 and costs $315.20.  The prices go up from there depending on the time of the flights.   

I can afford up to $225 for my half.  If you’re okay with the dates, you can book it as soon as you’re able and e-mail me a paid receipt and I’ll reimburse you for my half.

If I don’t hear back from you, or you don’t book it by November 1st, I’ll assume this won’t work for you and we’ll have to plan for 2016."

We heard back today.  She booked the flight - for $60 less.  Good so far.  The flight times: leaves here at 6:30 a.m. - the day after Christmas - and leaves there at 9:30 on the second, so SS15 won't arrive home until midnight.

So close . . .

I have to laugh, because how could I not expect her to do something like that?  Anyone else would want a reasonable time for their child - who hates to fly at night - to travel.  He is going to be seriously pissed off.  Honestly, if he decided he wasn't going, there's no way we could make him.  He's 6'4" and at least 230 lbs.  He's not going to go anywhere he doesn't want to.

What she doesn't realize is that by "getting back" at my DH and I, she's only serving to further alienate SS15.  She'll never figure that out, it is always someone else's fault.  He's learning that, fortunately, and as soon as he can have a say, he'll be done.

Oh well, at least I'm not the one that has to transport him! 

That worked out about as well as you could expect it to. It's the hardest part, knowing that they do know exactly what they are doing when they do the most inconvenient things just to cause us pain and aggravation. But you are right that it does become clear to the kids eventually that it's more important to mom to get back at dad than it is to do what's best for them.

My SO's uBPDex does this stuff too.  She's loves the red-eye flights (assuming anyone actually gets on a plane!) She seems to be incapable of making travel arrangements.  She has a history of... .

Going to the airport to buy airplane tickets and spending the family's rent to do it (my SO called the bank to report a lost credit card to stop her)

When they were still married telling my SO that she bought round-trip tickets for the family to visit his family out of state at Christmas.  They went had a nice visit and surprise! No return tickets for a family of four!  My SO's parents had to pay for tickets home.

Before starting college mom took D18 to visit her new school and that went fine.  When D18 was actually leaving mom wanted to come too, Oh and we can't go without taking D14 too.  D18 went moved into the dorm and was fine.  Turns out mom and D14 spent several days at a hotel hanging out because mom had $50 to her name. D14 didn't get to do any of the activities that her mom promised her while out there.  Then SO gets a call because uBPDmom and D14 (surprise) are not back as promised.  They "missed their flight because of traffic" really Burlington Vermont on a Sunday!  I'm sure it was gridlock! They finally did get home... .you guessed it midnight the next day.

Then there are all the promised trips that never happened lets see she was going to take the kids to... .Washington DC, Seattle, Chicago, New York, Tennessee, Wisconsin... .

Everyone's situation is different but besides trying to irritate my SO with her ever changing screwed up plans I also think that she simply doesn't have the executive function to figure it out or the impulse control to stop herself.

Both of my SO's daughters (D14 & D19) have been making their own decisions regarding their mother for a while now.  I wouldn't be surprised to hear your son does too.

I totally identify with the crazymaking and the sadness for the kids that suffer because of it.

Panda39