BPDFamily.com

There have been a couple of other posters on a similar topic, so thought I would also share my lessons.

This week is 12 months after I called it off with my exBPDgf of two years.

What a difference time makes :)

I haven't visited here very often lately. But when I do, I see exactly the same topics from my time here. Repeating themselves continuously. I hope all those people find the peace that I did. Please be patient and kind to yourself, and read everything on here.

A quick summary of my r/s: my ex was high functioning and knew she was BPD but never told me. I had never even heard of BPD. I called it off one day after realising I was physically sick from the stress and anxiety of staying in that r/s. I went through the most awful pain of breakup that everyone on here does. It truly was one of the worst experiences of my life. I tried to be 'friends' but got tired of the push/pull behaviour. I did what everyone says not too - I send her an email telling her I knew she was BPD. I got painted black and lost a long time friend over it. That doesn't bother me now. I read everything possible about BPD and this board helped me so much.

I also went through the horrible fear of 'what if she gets better for the next partner'. She didn't. She had a 5 month r/ship with someone 10 years her junior after me. Junior cottoned on much quicker than I did. Junior is now off the scene too. They don't recover unless there are years of therapy and intensive dbt sessions. You are just kidding yourself during the very brief periods in between dysregulation. It's an optical illusion they are getting better. And ignore all Social Media. It's just spin and will set you back if you keep looking and then ruminating on what they are doing or who are they with.

I finally found peace. I can now see she is very sick and disorded. I no longer see in her, the person I thought I fell in love with. I've seen her out a few times and feel nothing now, except maybe some slight disdain and pity for her. I hope she is happy but I know that in reality that is almost impossible for her, and the disorder wins every time. Her life is none of my business. It's like she is a stranger.

I learnt alot about my own boundaries (or lack of them) in that r/s. I now have an excellent sense of cynicism towards people. I can smell b/s a mile off and can see it now too. I don't hesitate to reinforce my boundaries if I need to.

For a while I was hypersensitive about BPD but I have since discovered lots more people who've also had experiences with BPD ex partners. I've also run into a few more people that I suspect had BPD/narcissim/other Cluster B personality disorders. Of course I can't diagnose, but I am just much more aware of disordered behaviour now and stay well away from it when I see it. And I do.

Where once I thought I would never recover, I now reflect on and wonder what it was that I ever saw in her?  

I love my peaceful days. I love spending time with people who laugh! Yes, who laugh at my jokes and who enjoy my company. Or someone I can enjoy a truly interesting debate or discussion with, without any anger or aggression. I also love that I often go out and don't have to get drunk.

I love having positive discussions with friends, instead of listening to how bad or terrible or awful everyone else in her life was.

I actually really like my own company now. I don't feel like I need to be with someone else, although I have started dating again.

For a while I thought I could never have a 'normal' relationship again. I loved the 'high' of that r/sh. And I realised that the 'highs' that I loved from that, were only tiny moments that would never be repeated again, and that over time, I could actually make my own 'highs' doing things I loved, without all the drama and horror that also accompained a BPD relationship. They were never really 'highs', they were just moments when she was not dysregulating at me.

I don't regret the relationship - I would never have learnt about my own codependency issues or how to set much better boundaries without it. Of course life would have been much easier without that lesson, but then isn't that what life is about? :)

The biggest recovery lesson for me? Stop seeing your ex as the person you fell in love with. Consider them a stranger. They are not who you think they are. They are just very ill people.

The second biggest lesson? Stop trying to use logic and reason to make sense of what they did or what happened. It never will because there is no logic or reason to their behaviour, just disorder.

The third lesson? For months and months I struggled with how to forgive. Someone said to me 'why do you need to forgive her' and the coin dropped for me. I was searching so hard for that and realised I didn't need to forgive or find forgiveness for her. That didn't matter. I had to forgive myself for staying in that relationship and for not looking after me properly.  

And one final lesson: Love you first. Always put yourself first regardless of who your partner or significant other is. And don't ever be afraid to walk away from anything that means that you are not taking care of you properly.

I know for all of you who have just broken up, or are still fresh or a few months into the breakup, or into your 50th recycle, be patient and kind with yourself. Things will get better. You will feel much better and happy again soon. Most importantly, learn the lessons that life has thrown at you. So you don't have to go through them ever again  :)  

Good to hear you are doing well man, I remember you well from last year we ended up on here about the same time.

Sadly I have not done as well as you,  I have tried the friends thing and it's not been working,  it's push pull and mini recycles with periods of NC in between.

I have improved somewhat at my emotional strength so it's not as bad as before.

The one thing I agree on they don't get better,  I have actually been around to see the aftermath and she just ruins her life at every turn,  it's fascinating in a way watching someone compulsively self destruct.  But it's hard when you still care.

Keep it up man and stay clear of her.  Nothing good back there.

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I am 13 months out,  it really did get better for me too, with time,  feeling the pain, and educating myself about BPD.  Thank God I am laughing a lot now too, and have felt incredibly happy of late. I remember thinking at one stage early on that I might never smile,  not to mention laugh, again... . 

I love my Life now I feel very confident and very free. Hallelujah!

So glad to hear... .I am 9 months separated out of a 7 year marriage (anniversary this Sat.), but 4 months since I found out about the gf and finally realized there was no more recycling to be done. I am getting stronger, learning about codependency as well. I have to admit I am watching fb, but I see it as a bad reality show, where I understand all the comments and know the ending already, lol  She just posted "sometimes words aren't even needed-feeling loved"... .I see this as he wants her to shut up, because he is watching his show and she is pretending it's ok, lol ... .they are now living together. Not sure how long it will last... .it's past yours of 5 months, but as we learn... .it's all about how much someone will put up with. I hope you will eventually find someone who you can have a normal r/s if that is what you want. At least now with all of your knowledge, you won't do this again, nor will I!  

Merci Parisian! Tres bien dit! I am almost 9 months out and even last month was still having moments, but it does get better. I a moving into the no real emotion about it stage.

The key to it is to just allow the emotions to happen, not to fight against them. You can't control the healing process, it just has to take it's own course. And, as Parisian said, you won't find the answers you so badly seek, so the only true option is to let all of the questions go.

Bonne chance a tous!