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For the first time in a while I've gone out in a large group of mutual friends of my exBPDgf. It's hard. I feel my confidence broken, I don't feel attractive since she just seemed to turn off her attraction to me and it's difficult knowing all these people are still in the "white" after all I tried to be for her. They don't know how badly I was just dropped after a long relationship.

Next week I have to host a bigger event of way more people, many of the same group, and my ex will be there who seems to have totally forgotten about our 1.5 year relationship. If I can't handle this how will I handle that?

hey corgicuddler95  

i remember experiencing some serious feelings of emptiness when i would be around others in the immediate aftermath. i remember id be laughing and it felt hollow, almost painful. it is a productive step to take, regardless; try to give yourself credit for taking it. it doesnt happen over night, but these kind of steps do start to contribute to a new sense of normalcy.

i get not feeling attractive; this is a coping mechanism, when feelings and attraction seem to go out the window over night. its surreal, its traumatic. it is explainable in the context of the disorder, but its of small comfort. you are not less attractive, and this, again, is a coping mechanism, and not a reflection on you.

as for the next event: if you feel this is going to be unhealthy for you, can you back out or get someone else to hold the event? taking steps is great, too much too soon can be detrimental. will you have to interact with her or can you keep your distance as host?

ps: the mutual friends are still your friends regardless of her, and regardless of what they know or dont know about your situation. that is a testament to you and your likeability!

Hey Corgicuddler, I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. Let's face it, it is very difficult to cope with the loss of someone that you loved dearly. I can see why you might feel less confident and attractive when your pwBPD seems cold to you especially after you feel that you did everything you could have in the relationship.

It's true that you'll have a difficult time getting people to understand your feelings. When my relationship ended I had the same confusion. People just didn't get it. That's totally normal. No one will really be able to understand unless they have been through a similar experience. Try to be patient with these feelings, if you can.

How would you say your relationships with the mutual friends are? Good? Close?

If you want to truly test her view on your past relationship then have an absolute blast, at the event, without over doing it. Have fun! YOU act like the relationship didn't matter, that you could care less, that you have moved on. Flirt with the other ladies and be happy!

I am in no way saying it will be easy. I would not want to be in your shoes, but my pride would overcome it, if I had to and I would make damn sure that she didn't see me effected by her presence. When I was much younger, I would go into an environment where I knew my ex would be and just look like I was happy as a pig in do do. Inevitably, I would get a call the next day. I am not saying that this is what you want but this is your opportunity to take the power back.

If you carry yourself with confidence, even if it is an act, you will leave that event with your head held high and it could turn the tide on the pain, or at least help.

Im sorry CC, it definitely sucks when the mutual friends don't understand how badly you were hurt. I think the key is finding a balance between remaining strong and showing others how badly you got hurt.

I would say I'm not very close with our mutual friends and many probably prefer my ex to me just because I'm more awkward and difficult on first impressions

Luckily I started to get better as the night went on but this was through the wonders of alcohol so it's not a very healthy solution to the problem.