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Question for everyone... .I apologize if this is any kind of duplicate post. I searched but was unable to find anything. Anyway, back in the day at the height of my relationship difficulties with exBPD, I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me... .and I came across BPD (never thought of it for him) and while I think at one time I perhaps fit the bill, with all the work I've don't I don't think I do anymore.

Anyway one of the most eye opening articles I ever read was 256 shades of BPD

www.BPDrecovery.com/256-shades-of-BPD

It was eye opening because there is a stereotypical picture of BPD of raging, suicide, self harm, etc... .but that doesn't at all have to be present... .so just curious... .with what symptoms did your exBPD present with?

Criteria for reference

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour, as it is covered in Criterion 5.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour, which is covered in Criterion 5.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Mine was 2,3,6,7,9

With that said, I think 8 could come out if he'd ever express all the anger that you can see inside of him.

so what about everyone else?

My uBPDxW unfortunately had all nine. The hell I've seen... .

My waif type ex wife showed all 9

My queen type exgf showed all apart from 5 and 7. I don't know about 7 as she never mentioned it.

Even though they had a lot of traits in common the intensity or prevelance of some was greater with one than with the other. My ex wife hardly had bursts of anger with me but on a couple of occasions she did hit me. She would however rage about others. My exgf never hit me but would flair up all the time even to strangers in the street.

Definitely 3, 5, 6, 7 and 9. Maybe 2 & 4 as well. She wasn't too wild and angry but definetly had those identity struggles.

2,3,4,5,6,7,8. Yay.

2,6,7,8,9

It is hard to answer that question tbh. As he told me after the breakup he always has had suicidal thoughts and has tried to kill himself once. But he changed his story and I have never seen a self harm scar on his body.

Also I dont know how empty he feels because i dont know how he really feels.

He has a problem with gambling - making a small bet (usually only a few pounds) or buying a lottery ticket or playing poker for money, fruit machines. He would do one of these things every single day. Though this doesn count as self destructive according to the criteria...

Interesting to see some peoples responses.

Interesting, not many 1.  1 is a tough one.  Mine has them all as well. :'(

Mine had 8/9.  And even the last one he once told me (and later denied) that there was a suicide attempt before I met him.

Mine has all 9, unfortunately.

Numbers 2, 4, 6, 8 are definitely the worst for her. 

Number 5 comes and goes and is usually tied to number 4.

Yea it is interesting that there are not many 1s. I don't think mine exhibited that because he was so much for about avoiding real or imagined engulfment. Wayyy more avoidant. Except that he doesn't admit weakness, fault, or apologize for anything so I think even if he were feeling abandonment fears (as was clear in certain key phrases he would let slip out every once in awhile... .I think he really deep down wanted to let me in but couldn't) he would have never told me.

Also noticed a lot of people didn't use 7... .I was definitely assuming 7... .based upon him constantly engaged in some kind of media if not working (video games, TV, pornography) and in the fact we hardly ever had a meaningful conversation... .whether emotional or intellectual... .nor has anyone else that he's close to ever gotten that either. And many times I heard him say he doesn't feel like he has a purpose... .etc... .

My mum clearly showed 1, 2, 6, 8, 9. I dont know about 7, but i think she feels empty yeah

5 - she only mentioned a few times that she wanted to die for a few years after her divorce, but she didnt mention this much to my recolection during.

3 - no idea

4 - she doesn't eat or drink or enjoyes stuff, i think she is so extreme in avoiding pleasure that it sort of matches this point, if anyone understands? she prays compulsivly so maybe her addiciton is prayer.

It is my understanding that engulfment is tied to abandonment.  I think part of it is that they fear being abandoned if they get too close to someone.  They basically fear that the other person will discover who they really are and then abandon them. 

Having said that, mine sounds a lot like yours.  Other than a few comments here and there ("Everyone always leaves me," etc.) that signaled abandonment fears, mostly everything with her was engulfment fears.  She pushed me away when we looked at houses.  She pushed her ex-boyfriend away a month before they were going to move across the country. 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour, as it is covered in Criterion 5.

When I said it was actually over, she got with a friend. He has no boundaries I guess. She was messing with 5 different guys in the month post-me leaving her house.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Given I was her 3rd(?) boyfriend, I think this qualifies. I don't know how things are with my replacement but I'd guess he has a lack of boundaries and just goes along with whatever she does.

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self.

"I don't know what I like or even who I am sometimes."

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour, which is covered in Criterion 5.

See Criterion 1 for sex impulsiveness. Minor binge eating. "I ate that whole box!" Reckless driving in the past. Drank a lot toward the end.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

Used to punch herself if I said something that triggered her.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

":)on't touch me!"

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Check.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Controlled by Lexapro. Broke my phone the first time I left.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Controlled somewhat by Lexapro. Sometimes feared some horrible fate would befall her or her daughter.

Oh and yes, despite all this somehow I doubt the pattern continues and I like to think she's getting better.

I sincerely actually hope she does, despite the wasted time and the ___ she put me through. I really hope so.

My high functioning uBPDw shows traits consistent with 3,5,6,7,8.  Occasionally, mild 1,2,9.  Never 4.

I think some criteria are easier to recognize than others, and could be missed outside an intimate relationship. e.g., my wife occasionally honestly confessed #7 (emptiness) to me, but never mentioned it to her T or friends. The way that she described the feeling was  red-flag for me.  Sounds horrible, very different from typical mid-life-crisis ennui.

She read the Essential Family Guide to BPD and she did recognize some of herself in that book, but also could not recognize / admit some other patterns that I believe are there.  I didn't push it.

It was interesting to me that her clinical psych told her that she was not a perfect fit for BPD, instead some BPD symptoms overlaid with some anxiety disorder things.

I'm happy it is not worse, but even one of these things can be difficult to deal with.