BPDFamily.com

I'm in so much need of advice and help. I wish i knew about BPD prior to six months ago. I met a girl about six months ago and it's been a roller coaster ride. She definitely knows she has BPD and after researching it. It is definitely true. I dunno if i can trust her and because of her promiscuity and trying to leave it to fate.

All my friends are telling me to get her out of my home, but i don't want to put her on the streets. They say it's not my problem and she's messed up for you to handle. What do I do?

Here's a little background to my story. I first fell for her when she was out one night/day where she felt like she should end her life since no one cared and she felt like she had no reason to live anymore. I couldn't understand why anyone one should ever feel that way since there's so much to live for no matter how life is a struggle. It was only a month ago that she told me about BPD.  As i read the books Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Essential Family Guide to BPD, I was taken back because she has all the symptoms.  If only did i know back then, I would have to say at this point that I would have stayed clearly way away from her. The reason why is because my life seams to be going to shambles where i care more for her needs than mines.

I became a rescuer and codependent on her. I really don't know what to do at this point since she moved in with me and has no where else to go. She came from California to Hawaii and has no real family or friends. She started dating online where all the guys that come into contact with her wants only sex because she sends them provacative pictures of her. She already told me that she's not interested in a relationship, but contradicts herself since she says she wants a relationship from other men. I tried to leave her before prior to her moving in with me, but she chases back where everything seemed to be on cloud 9. The place prior to her moving in was unsafe because she lived with a drug addict and a dealer, but he moved back with his wife.

Please help since i can't tell any of my close friends and family that she has BPD. If i did they would automatically get her out of my home.  She pays rent with me, but all the things i do for her seems as if i was a significant other though she just treats me as a roommate. I take care of chores, bring her to appointments, help her get her life on track, care for her when she needs help over and beyond a normal friendship. She calls me her best friend and said i will never get rid of her even of she moves out once shes financially stable.

Last night i broke down since she just got her gallbladder remove a week ago and has these bandages. They were removed and i automatically knew that she had sex with someone else since her panties were on the ground and her phone was going off the hook with text. I stayed clear away from my home since i was out with friends and got hammered by drinking. If i was sober, i would have blown my top off. I just knocked out. She makes like she's not promiscuous, but her words and her actions differ because she wants sex bad and thirsty.

She's an exotic dancer to top it off, so she clearly is no saint. Once the alcohol kicks in she blacks out and becomes another person. She states that i am her best friend and she is mines, but she clearly does know nothing about me because when i bring in my personal life moments. She does not even seem interested at all about my life and problems. My friends see that i've been down lately and have pushed both my family and friends away because of her. What do i do? Please help? I'm clearly on the road to have a mental breakdown and am having signs of depression lately.

Welcome to the site!

The tools on the right can be very helpful, and realizing that all you can change is YOU. How you react might give you a better outcome at times in dealing with her though. The tools can help with that.

You need to take care of  you. Can you get in therapy? I recently started therapy again, and it's really helping me to deal with all of this, and to focus my attention back on me.

Hi goin_lost_in,


The most important point with overcoming rescuing is to become aware of our contribution and thus our ability to put a stop to it. Boundaries aka. limits are your friend. It is easy to blame her for your rescuing. Most likely some tendency existed before her time (often seeds were put there in childhood). And blaming her just distracts from the responsibility you have here to yourself. As drugs and alcohol seems to be involved to a degree have you considered reaching out to AA as a partner? They have experience with rescuing and codependency.


You can't fix her. But you can maintain a healthy environment for yourself and without that you can't fix her even less. Do not be afraid putting yourself first! Don't push others away even when that may cause upset for her - these upsets are really her problem. It is only fair if she gets upset by something you do - you don't do it for the sake of upsetting her but you do it for yourself.


You are absolutely right - you can't tell she is suffering from BPD. You have a professional diagnosis and even if you had it is not something for you to share. You can however share some of the upsetting behavior you are dealing with. Abuse lives in the shadow and while light won't cure everything it is quite a good disinfectant reducing the risk of further spreading.


You are facing abuse, are exhausted and are faced with difficult decisions. Reaching out to a T may be a good idea... .

*welcome*,

a0

You are overwhelmed with mixed messages and stuck in the neediness appeasement cycle. You will never appease neediness, only consolidate it as a precedent.

Looking after you and your own values and rights is the first step.

You wont "save" her by bending over backwards to do her bidding.

Very likely she is solely motivated by impulse, need and instant gratification. Do not fall into the trap of feeding these as sooner or later you will stop and she will then see it as abandonment and push you away.